Alrighty, folks. Time to drop some truth. As much as we might not want to admit it, we all get into a sex rut now and then.
Maybe we’re tired AF because of hectic work schedules or raising kids (or both). Maybe we’ve been with our partners for a long time and have lost some of the thrill and excitement we shared when we were younger and less busy or exhausted. Maybe our mind is constantly racing with those meetings that need to be prepared for, that laundry that needs to be done, those dishes that need to be cleaned or those bills that need to be paid. Or maybe we’re single and are just starting to venture into the world of sex and dating once again. There’s a lot going on in our day-to-day lives that leave us feeling a little worn-out or deflated. And when you’re lethargic, it’s hard to motivate yourself to get excited for romance and spice things up in the bedroom.
Whatever the reason, sometimes when we fall into a sex rut and want to get our mojo back, we need to take things to the next level when candlelight and baths just won’t do the trick. If you’re searching for tips and helpful advice, know you’re not alone. According to the most recent search data available, how to spice up your sex life is searched for nearly 5,000 times per month. Thankfully, Scary Mommy’s here to help you get your head back in the game and, as the Spice Girls would say, ‘spice up your (sex) life.’ We turned to an expert for help and got a list of super hot and steamy tips from Dr. Shannon Chavez, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist with 12 years of experience in the field.
Grab a pen and some paper, it’s time to get frisky.
1. Set a date night and start with sex.
“Don’t wait until the end of the night for sex. Starting with sex will prioritize connection and can boost your mood for the evening. Sex can help you build up an appetite for a good dinner and release the feel good chemicals in the brain that make you feel closer and bonded to your partner. If you wait until after your date, you will more than likely feel full, fatigued, and not so sexual.”
This is good advice to take before any major outing where you’ll be consuming a lot of food and your fair share of libations. After all, we can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than trying to enjoy shower sex, car sex, or any number of sexual positions on a belly full of steak. Getting frisky before a big meal will also have you giggling the night away, so there are no down sides here.
2. Play erotic games and get creative.
“One of the most common complaints of couples is sexual boredom. Sexual routines can be boring and feel like work. Sexual novelty is an essential ingredient for motivation towards sex. It can increase desire to be creative. Sex is a way for adults to play and enjoy mutual pleasure. Games can include making a sex fort (a place to have sex other than the bed including your favorite blankets, pillows, sex toys, and lube) or dressing up and exploring role play. Games can be a striptease, exploring sensory play with objects or toys, or erotic truth or dare.”
If you find yourself in a sexual rut where everything is routine, why not play sex games as a couple? If you don’t know where to start these sex apps for couples that’ll get the ball rolling for you. Just a few examples include playing a saucy adult version of truth or dare, naked Twister, and using apps like Kindu, Ohmibod, and iKamasutra. Whether you’re keeping it old school with board games or taking it high-tech with apps, the most important thing is for you to connect with your partner and be fully present.
3. Get dressed up and then take your time undressing each other.
“Dressing up helps you feel good about yourself. It doesn’t matter if you are going to get messy or naked later on. Put something on that makes you feel good in your body and that feels sexy to you. Take your time undressing each other. Start with one piece of clothing at a time and come into contact with every inch of your partner’s skin as you remove the clothing. Make it a sensual and slow experience. This gives you time to get aroused and turned on.”
4. Move your bodies.
“Lack of exercise can dampen libido. Movement helps increase circulation, release tension, and make you more connected to your body. Try different forms of movement together like dancing, yoga, or stretching as a form of foreplay. Getting embodied helps you get out of your head and focus on your arousal.”
5. Ditch the TV watching at the end of the night.
“Most people are connecting with their TVs and phones more than a partner. It consumes energy and can be an unnecessary distraction from your partner. Plus TV watching can drain your libido and interrupt your sleep cycle. Focus on activities that are relaxing and connecting like a hand caress, kissing, massage, and sensual caressing.”
6. Make a sexy playlist that puts you in the mood.
“Music evokes emotions and helps you feel more present. Focus on songs that turn you on and make you feel good. Include songs that bring back positive memories together. Dancing together can be erotic and sensual. Make eye contact with your partner and move your bodies together before getting in bed.”
7. Write your own erotic story and read it to your partner.
“Fantasy is a big component of sexual desire. Write a sexual story about you and your partner. It doesn’t have to be a long novel but a short story that involves the sexual acts and build up that you are craving in your relationship. It allows you to open up a dialogue about fantasies and share these with each other in a creative way.”
8. Create erotic menus together.
“Sex doesn’t always need to be passionate lovemaking. Sometimes you need a quickie or a sensual massage or something like mutual masturbation. Design different erotic activities that you can choose from on different nights. Make a calendar or schedule for your erotic menus that you both can commit to and prioritize. Alternate with who initiates the erotic activity so that you can both get comfortable with asserting your erotic desires. Erotic menus are helpful to get out of routines or specific sexual scripts around sex.”
This article was originally published August 2018. It has been updated with even spicier tips for the bedroom.