Something smells, and it smells bad. Must be the odor of these funny poop jokes and puns? No matter your age, a good poop and diarrhea joke will always bring the kid out in you. After all, it’s the great equalizer, isn’t it? We all poop! For decades, poop jokes have reigned supreme as the funniest jokes to crack (pun intended). We’re pretty sure our parents and their parents’ parents told a poop (or a fart) joke or two. The point is, poop jokes are classic, and so we’ve gathered all the funnies you’ll need to keep this tradition going.
Gone are the days you had to stifle your laugh in class or in front of your mother because someone passed gas. This is your time to laugh hard and valiantly because poop jokes were and will always be hilarious. We know that pooping is a little gross to talk about or bring up at the dinner table, but giggling about the things that pop out of our bodies has always had its own special brand of comedy. We’ve known this since we were children and they’re just as funny today as they were then. We want to help you reconnect to that kid so that you may one day pass it on to your own inappropriate children.
So we’ve gone ahead and rounded up some of the funniest, kid-friendly jokes about crap you’ve ever read. This list features over 145 jokes so bad, they’re good. Get to telling and give all the family a giggle.
Best Poop Jokes and Puns
1. Wanna hear a poop joke?
Nah, they always stink.
2. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
3. What did one piece of toilet paper say to another?
“I’m feeling really wiped.”
4. What do women and toilet paper have in common?
They both deal with a lot of crap.
6. Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
To look for Pooh!
7. What did one toilet say to the other?
“You look flushed.”
8. Why did the man bring toilet paper to the party?
He’s a party pooper.
9. Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
10. What did the bottle of conditioner do to the toilet?
11. How do you say “fart” in German?
12. Why did the lady stop telling poop jokes?
Everyone told her that they stink.
13. Why does Piglet always smell bad?
Because he plays with Pooh.
14. People who tell you they’re constipated are full of crap.
15. Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.
16. A little boy is walking down the country road one day when he comes across a man who has a truckload of cow manure.
The boy asks him what he’s going to do with all that cow poop. The man says, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.” The little boy looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I’m from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”
17. What’s the definition of surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
18. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
The BP station.
19. Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the “p” is silent.
20. Her: “That’s disgusting!”
Me: “Sorry, sometimes I like to poop with the door open.” Her: “You shouldn’t be pooping in the car at all.”
21. When is the best time to go to the restroom?
22. Why don’t people take their phones into the bathroom?
They don’t want to give away their IP address.
23. What’s a surfer’s second greatest fear?
A shart attack.
24. What do you call a bathroom superhero?
25. Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
26. What does Superman call his bathroom?
The Super bowl.
27. What did the fast-food worker say to the toilet?
“Did you order a number two? I have one ready for you.”
28. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
29. What do you call a magical poop?
30. What do you call a fairy in the bathroom?
31. Do clown farts smell funny?
32. Poop is a crap palindrome.
33. A man asks his girlfriend’s father for permission to marry his daughter.
“Are you kidding me? You’re so poor, you can’t even afford to buy her toilet paper!” scoffs the father. “True,” says the man. “But, I’d never marry a girl that full of crap.”
34. Why did the cop sit on the toilet?
To do his duty.
35. Why did they install a toilet in the garbage heap?
Everyone had to take a dump.
36. What do you get when you combine a Sham-Wow and a Snuggie?
A reason to pee in your pants.
37. How do you make a house made of dung smell better?
38. What do special effects designers call bowel movements?
They’re called 3-D farts.
39. My love for you is like diarrhea.
I can’t hold it in.
40. Why doesn’t Chuck Norris ever flush the toilet?
He scares the poop out of it.
41. What’s the best snack to eat while watching a movie that stinks?
42. What is a fart?
A lonely cry from an abandoned turd.
43. Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
No? So you’re the one!
44. What did Spock find in the Enterprise toilet?
The Captain’s Log.
45. Why is the toilet a good place for a nap?
It’s in the restroom.
46. Two bats are hanging upside down together.
Bat A: “What was the worst day of your life?” Bat B: “The day I had diarrhea.”
47. What is a piece of poop’s favorite dance move?
Poopin’ and locking.
48. When Queen Elizabeth farts, is it considered a noble gas?
49. What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
50. What did you get when you mix castor oil with holy water?
A religious movement.
51. The person who originally said,
“Laughter is the best medicine,” clearly never had diarrhea.
52. How do you get the bathroom unlocked in a hurry?
With a doo-key.
53. Which movie is always the worst of the trilogy?
The turd one.
54. Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He had problems with his last movement.
55. Wanna hear a poop joke?
Nevermind. It’s too corny.
56. Poop jokes aren’t my favorite.
But they’re a solid number two.
57. Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your genes.
58. You never really appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Toilet paper is a good example.
59. If pooping is the call of nature…
Is farting like a missed call?
60. What’s big, brown, and behind the wall?
61. Have you seen the movie Diarrhea?
It leaked, so they had to release it early.
62. What did the poop say to the fart?
“You blow me away.”
63. What did one fly say to the other?
“Is this stool taken?”
64. Did you know that when you say the word “poop,” your mouth does the same motion as your bum hole?
The same is true for the phrase, “explosive diarrhea.”
65. What do you get when you poop in your overalls?
66. People say love is the best feeling ever.
But I think finding a toilet when you’re having diarrhea is better.
67. What’s brown and firm?
The Brown Family Law Firm.
68. When does Denzel Washington have to hang out with the Rugrats?
Potty Training Day.
69. Customer: “Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?”
70. Children are like farts.
Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else’s are horrendous.
71. I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday.
Then I had the biggest vowel movement ever.
72. Stop making me laugh.
You’ll make me puma pants.
73. When bears poop in the woods, is the smell unbearable?
74. Parent’s truth:
The further you are from the bathroom, the more urgently your kid needs to poop.
75. Have you seen the new movie, Constipated?
It hasn’t come out yet.
76. To everyone out there suffering from constipation…
I sincerely hope you have a really sh*tty day.
77. I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
But he’s still making fun of me.
78. I was going to tell you another poop joke, but it’s too crappy.
79. A little old man who’s hard of hearing goes to see the doctor.
Since he can’t hear very well, he takes his wife with him. The doctor examines the man and says, “I think we need to take a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.” The old man turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?” The wife replies, “He said he wants your underwear.”
80. What is the true definition of bravery?
Chancing a fart when you know you have diarrhea.
81. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
82. I used to suffer from constipation…
That sh*t was hard.
83. This morning, as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now, I’m afraid to use the restroom.
84. A wife sent a romantic text to her husband.
She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”
85. Why did the baker have smelly hands?
He kneaded a poo.
86. I had a bathroom emergency at work today.
It must have been worse than I thought because my co-worker tried to open a window. We work on a submarine.
87. Why did the poop cross the street?
Because it was trying to get in the toilet.
88. Why did the prankster put poo in the elevator?
Because he wanted to take his pranks to the next level.
89. Toilet paper is totally worthless, but you know what’s even more worthless?
My art degree.
90. What do you get when you cross a rhino and a toilet?
No idea. But I’m not using that bathroom.
91. Did you hear about the golden toilet that was stolen?
It hasn’t been found yet, but the owner said he’ll be relieved when it is.
92. What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
93. Why didn’t the soldier flush the toilet?
It wasn’t his duty.
94. Why aren’t there toilets in some banks?
Because they don’t all accept deposits.
95. What’s the difference between good and bad toilet paper?
One is terrible, and one is tearable.
96. The toilet and the toilet paper were arguing about who had the worse day.
The owner of the house had diarrhea. So, who’s day was crappier?
97. Two rolls of toilet paper walked into a bar.
One rolled out.
98. I need to buy a new toilet bowl.
The one I have is full.
99. I like toilets for two reasons.
Number one and number two.
100. I bought a toilet brush yesterday, but I’ve gotta say…
I prefer toilet paper.
101. I actually really like single-ply toilet paper.
It helps me stay in touch with my inner self.
102. What’s your favorite cartoon?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turdles.
103. How do you help a man with constipation?
You pull the sh*t out of him.
104. Today I learned that diarrhea is hereditary
It runs in your jeans.
105. It’s funny how corn maintains its shape after you poop it out…
Yet it tastes completely different.
106. What did one ass cheek say to the other?
“Ew! What’s that smell coming from the corridor.”
107. What’s a clean poop?
The kind where you feel poo come out and see poo in the bowl, but there’s no poo on the toilet paper.
108. What’s a Lincoln Log poop?
The kind of poo that’s so enormous, you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
109. What’s a corn poop?
No explanation necessary.
110. What’s a crowd-pleaser poop?
This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
111. Where do cavemen poop?
112. Doctors say four out of five people suffer from diarrhea…
That means one guy likes it.
113. My doctor said I had chronic constipation.
To be honest, I couldn’t give a sh*t.
114. A bear and a rabbit are in a field.
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, “Does your poop stick to your fur?” The rabbit replied, “Nope.” So, the bear picked the rabbit up and wiped his butt with it.
115. What do you call a planet that poops?
116. What do cows call poop?
117. What did one toilet paper say to the next?
“You’re on a roll!”
118. Why did the chicken cross the road?
The chicken next to him farted.
119. One friend, confiding in another, said, “I take a poop every morning at 8 a.m.”
Replied the other, “Hey, it’s good to be regular. What’s the problem?” Admitted the first, “I wake up at 9 a.m.”
120. Two friends went camping. After returning from the campground bathroom, one vented, “Why does one-ply toilet paper even exist?”
The second friend responded, “I honestly prefer single ply. It feels lighter and more effective and the rolls last longer because the sheets are thinner.” Pausing for a minute, the first rolled his eyes and replied, “OK, poophands.”
121. People who study poop are called scatologists. But you know what they should be called?
122. The volcano exploded because it couldn’t find a lava-tory.
123. Why couldn’t the police officers find the toilet thief?
Because they had nothing to go on!
124. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:
They should both be changed regularly, for the same reason.
125. I just bought number one baby diapers for my newborn.
But he didn’t care because he went number two on them, anyway.
- Bake a loaf.
- Bomb the bowl.
- Barbarians at the gate.
- Chop a log.
- Do the royal squat.
- Drop a deuce.
- Drop the kids off at the pool.
- Float a trout.
- Hit paydirt.
- Launch a butt shuttle.
- Lay a brick.
- Make a deposit at the porcelain bank.
- Log an entry.
- Make room for lunch.
- Offload some freight.
- Park some bark.
- Pinch a loaf.
- Punish the porcelain.
- Taking a steam pile.
- Leaving a load.
- Drop a dookie
- Drop the kids off at the pool.
- Launch a Butt Shuttle.
- Launch a torpedo.
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