One of my friends just got married for the second time. She had a stunning wedding, she wore a long, white wedding gown and veil. Her bridesmaids were divine, and she spent more money on it than she did for her first wedding even though it was a quarter of the size due to COVID.
The reception was grand with elegant food, and they celebrated long into the night.
Then, this summer she had another, larger reception so the people who couldn’t attend the couple’s first celebration could take part.
While it was lovely and exactly what she wanted — her first marriage wasn’t a good one and she wanted to celebrate the fact that she’s finally found the love of her life — there wasn’t even an ounce of me that wanted to have that for myself.
I was married for almost twenty years, and we had a really good life. We mutually decided our time was up. We weren’t in love any longer, and our relationship was starting to affect our children.
Our wedding was one of the most magical days of my life. In my 20s I very much wanted that idyllic wedding, and I worked my ass off to make it happen. I paid for it myself, I did a lot of the work myself, and everything fell into place just how I wanted it to.
We are still very much a family in a lot of ways even though we are both in loving, committed relationships. We co-parent well together and are still friends.
My boyfriend would like to get married one day. In fact, he brought it up this weekend while we were watching an outdoor wedding from afar. However, I really don’t want, or need, to be married again.
My divorce has been finalized for quite a few years now. I’ve been with my partner for years — and we’ve built something special and gone through quite a lot together. Friends and family are starting to ask me why we aren’t married, or why I never talk about getting married.
“Don’t you want to share your life with someone?”
“Aren’t you too old to be calling someone your boyfriend?”
“Wouldn’t it be fun to have another wedding?”
The way I see it, I am sharing my life with someone. I don’t need a contract or a ring for that. And no, you are never too old to do anything you want. That includes having a boyfriend, having several boyfriends, or living alone.
As far as throwing a wedding and reception, I have more desire to eat pig’s feet than to undergo that cost, time, and work.
For me at this stage in my life, a party isn’t going to solidify anything for me.
I like my independence. I want to be able to leave a relationship whenever I want to and not stick around because getting a divorce will be expensive, or hard, or a mess to work through. I have been through that once and I don’t want to go through it again.
Some people tell me my divorce took my spark a bit. But, I think it was a reality check for me. Things do end, relationships aren’t easy, and you can’t count on anything. When my ex and I walked down the aisle, we both thought we would be together forever. We believed that for a really long time.
To have that not be true was sadder for both of us than letting go of each other. It was like, “Oh, yeah, there really are no guarantees in life.” And that is one of the most uncomfortable thoughts ever.
But I’m not bitter. I am more than fine, and I feel like I see things clearer than I ever have before.
If I don’t want to get married again, it doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in love or being happy. Some couples want to get married because they feel it’s right and they want to celebrate their love. It’s a wonderful tradition, and I will always believe in marriage.
I just don’t believe in it for me.
Not only is there a misconception out there that all women want to get married by the time they are a certain age, I’ve learned many people think divorced women want to get married again.
It’s just not true.
There are those of us who feel like we’ve been there, we’ve done that, and we don’t need a wedding or marriage in order to have a great, strong partnership.
My past has taught me to never say never though. I may change my mind someday, but for now, I am content with my relationship and being in love, and to me, that is enough.
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