30+ Hilarious Nurse Jokes And Puns: Nursing And Hospital Jokes

30+ Funny And Relatable Nurse Jokes To Get You Through Your Longest Shift

October 5, 2020 Updated March 12, 2021

nurse jokes
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How can we possibly thank nurses for all the hard work they put in every day? Words fail. Every shift they’re faced with both the joys and heartaches of life, and if the COVID-19 pandemic has shown us anything, it’s that nurses are the heart and soul of healthcare all over the world. Shifts are long and in almost all cases, nurses are dealing with patients and families while they’re in some of the worst moments of their lives.

Laughter might be “the best medicine,” but it’s not the only medicine. We’d be lost without the nurses to deliver the real stuff. So we scoured the internet for some good jokes about nursing that could bring these everyday superheroes a little bit of levity, make their jobs a little easier, and day a little brighter. Here’s hoping these bring a laugh to all the nurses out there fighting to keep us safe and healthy during all times but especially right now.

Looking for more job-related jokes? We’ve got them all! Check out our collections of punny phrases about professionals like police officersdoctorssoldiers, and more!

1. Knock knock
Who’s there?
HIPAA
HIPAA who?
I can’t tell you that.

2. Nurse to doctor, “There’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he is invisible.”
Doctor, “Tell him I can’t see him.”

3. The nurse who can smile when things go wrong…
Is probably going off duty.

4. How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just have a nursing student do it.

5. How long does it take a nurse to change a light bulb?
About 15 seconds tops to change it and 20 minutes to document it – how, when, where, why, and what serial number it had.

6. Doctor to nurse, “How is the child who swallowed a few quarters doing?”
Nurse, “No change.”

7. When I went to get my vaccinations the young nurse told me she was very nervous as it was her first time.
I told her to give it her best shot.

8. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

9. What’s it called when a hospital runs out of maternity nurses?
A midwife crisis

10. Patient: “Will I be able to play the piano after this operation?”
Nurse: “Sure! Of course!”
Patient: “That’s awesome because I couldn’t before!”

11. Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk quietly past the medicine cabinet?
So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.

12. A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the nurse asks.
“No! It’s her husband!”

13. Why do nurses bring red magic markers into work?
In case they have to draw blood.

14. You should always be kind to nurses. Remember they choose your catheter size.

15. The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.” The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband again asked, “So what do you say to the others?”
The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

16. A rookie nurse tries to make friends with everyone.
An experienced nurse knows to use that energy only to befriend the cafeteria cooks, pharmacists, and discharge planner.

17. What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen!”

18. A patient with an IV is taking a walk around the floor when he notices a nurse walking around with her own IV. When asked about it, the nurse replies: “Yours is medicine and mine is coffee. Both are vital to our well-being.”

19. I don’t find medical puns funny anymore since I developed an irony deficiency.

20. Nurse’s prescription. 8 oz ETOH q4h PRN

(That’s 8 ounces of alcohol every 4 hours as needed to a nurse)

21. Why did the nurse go to art school?
So they could learn to draw blood.

22. I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a nurse advised me to take the candles off first.

23. Had to wait ages for my X-ray today at the hospital. There was only a skeleton staff working.

24. A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies “Every time I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it”
Nurse replied, “I understand but sir this is a sperm bank.”

25. The local hospital hired a Roman nurse.
Complications arose when the IV was issued to bed #4.

26. I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight… to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care.

27. A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, “Well, that’s great…some asshole’s got my pen!”

28. I had to take my son to the hospital after he swallowed ten quarters. He was rushed to surgery. After half an hour I saw a nurse so I asked her how he was. She said, “There’s no change yet.”

29. A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”
The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”
The anti-vaxver says, “No shots for me.”

30. Nurse: Sorry for the waiting
Me: No problem, I’m patient.

31. All the nurses are dressing up as witches for Halloween!
They will be caretakers.

32. I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter up for some time. Finally, I got on the intercom and said softly but firmly,
“All right, Johnny, it’s time to go to sleep now.”
There was quiet in the room, and then he said,
“OK, God, I will.”
I didn’t hear a peep from him until late the next morning.

33. Little girl at the hospital: “Nurse, you’ve been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?”
Nurse: “Nah, graveyards give me the creeps”

34. What did the nurse say when the doctor decided to stay home?
Suture self!

35. After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.
“Who was that?”

36. A nurse died and went to Hell.
There it took him two weeks to realize he wasn’t at work.

37. A nurse walks towards a man informing him his wife didn’t make it while giving him the baby.
He gives the baby back to the nurse and said, “Give me the one me and my wife made.”