Are you a police officer? Are you married to a police officer? Does your kid want to be a “policewoman” when she grows up? Have you ever been pulled over for a speeding ticket that you didn’t think you deserved? No matter your connection to or feelings for cops, police jokes will have the whole family laughing.
Police officers deal with serious situations on a daily but that doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate a good joke. And who knows? The right one may even get you out of a speeding ticket. So if you’re looking for inspiration, you’ve hit the mother lode. Take caution, though, these babies are bad to the bone.
1. The perfect crime was committed last night.
Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. Police say they have nothing to go on.
2. What do you call a female police officer playing guitar?
3. Why did the police officer smell so bad?
He was on duty.
4. Officer: “I notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
Driver: “I noticed your eyes are glazed over. Have you been eating donuts?”
5. Did you hear the celery got arrested?
They charged him with stalking.
6. Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Driver: “Isn’t it your job to tell me?”
7. An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence.
He says to the man, “We’re going to have to give you a drug test.”
Without hesitation, the man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”
8. Cop: “When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.”
Driver: “You’re wrong, officer. It’s only my hat that makes me look that old.”
9. Officer: “Why did you park here?”
Me: “The sign says, ‘Fine for parking.'”
10. What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mugshot?
11. Why did they arrest the cap?
It was covering for the marker.
12. Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Me: “You were bored and wanted some company?”
13. What does a frog use to keep away burglars?
A lily padlock.
14. Judge: “I thought I said that I never wanted to see you in here again.”
Criminal: “That’s what I kept telling the arresting officer, but he wouldn’t listen.”
15. I asked a rookie what he would do if he had to arrest his mother.
He said, “I’d call for backup!”
16. Why did the thief wear blue gloves?
He didn’t want to be caught red-handed.
17. Man: “Can I park here?”
Man: “What about all these other cars?”
Cop: “They didn’t ask!”
18. An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street.
He approaches her and asks, “Are you OK?”
The woman replies, “Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?”
The officer says, “Just keep standing there.”
19. Did you hear about the criminal who stole a lamp?
He got a very light sentence.
20. When caught speeding, an airman on leave tried to talk an officer out of giving him a ticket.
He asked, “Would it make a difference if I told you I’m in the Air Force?”
The police officer replied, “Yes, but only if you were driving an airplane.”
21. Why did the officer give the ghost a ticket?
It didn’t have a haunting license.
22. Knock, knock.
Dishes the police. Open up!
23. Why are policemen such great volleyball players?
They know how to serve and protect.
24. On what show do police officers solve crimes committed by garden gnomes?
Lawn & Order.
25. Why did the NYPD show up at the Mets game?
They heard someone was stealing bases.
26. Cop: “Where do you think you’re going?”
Driver: “Donut shop, officer.”
Cop: “At 80 miles per hour?”
Driver: “I wanted to make sure I beat you there, so there would still be donuts to buy.”
27. One fire truck and 20 cops show up to a call. What happened?
Dunkin Donuts burnt down.
28. Why did the cat get a ticket?
29. What are the four food groups for cops?
Jelly, powdered, glazed, and chocolate frosted.
30. An officer stops a man for speeding and notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer: “I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.”
Driver: “Officer, I have contacts.”
Officer: “I don’t care who you know, you’re still getting a ticket.”
31. Why did the coffee call 911?
It was mugged.
32. Why couldn’t police notify the family of the murdered baker?
He was a John Dough.
33. A police officer pulled me over and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors. I win!” and drove off.
I guess he wants a rematch because he’s been following me for about 45 minutes.
34. Did you hear they arrested the Energizer bunny?
He was charged with battery.
35. An officer sees a man exit a bar at closing time and get into his car. After observing some erratic driving, he pulls the man over.
The officer asks the driver, “Where are you going at this time of night?”
The man replies, “I’m on my way to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and its effects on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer asks, “Who would give that kind of lecture at this time of night?”
The man says, “My wife.”
36. A cop gives a woman a speeding ticket, and she wants to know why he didn’t give her a warning first.
The officer says, “Ma’am, there are warnings posted up and down this highway. They say, ‘Speed Limit 65.'”
37. What happens when a police officer goes to bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.
38. Officer: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Driver: “Sorry, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.”
Officer: “There is no traffic. This highway is completely empty.”
Driver: “That’s what I’m telling you — I’m really far behind.”
39. Why is a traffic cop the strongest man in the world?
Because he can stop a 10-ton truck by holding up his hand!
40. Did you hear about the two peanuts who walked through a bad neighborhood?
One was assaulted.
41. What do you call a clairvoyant who escaped from prison?
A medium at large.
42. Why did the sheriff lock up her boyfriend?
He stole her heart.
43. I got stopped last night by a police officer.
Cop: “I’m going to follow you to the nearest police station.”
Me: “What for?”
Cop: “I’ve forgotten the way.” — Tommy Cooper
44. Officer: “How high are you?”
Driver: “No, officer, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?'”
45. Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected fowl play.
46. Tourist: “Are you a policeman?”
Officer: “No, I am an undercover detective.”
Tourist: “So, why are you in uniform?”
Officer: “Today is my day off.”
47. Police are usually shocked that I have a record.
But I love their greatest hits!
48. A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states.
Solid, liquid, and gas.
49. There’s a man in the town who’s stealing the wheels of police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
50. What are riot police in Germany called?
Sour kraut control.
51. A woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer.
The cop asked to see her driver’s license. As she dug through her purse, she became more and more agitated.
“What does it look like?” the woman asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square, and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
“Here it is,” she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back and said, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”
52. A cop caught a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font.
Before cuffing the artist, he looked at the mural and said, “Now that is bold.”
53. The police are trying to say I assaulted a guy with a sheet of sandpaper.
All I did was rough him up a bit.
54. A week after my wife went missing, the police told me I should expect the worst-case scenario.
So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.
55. The police caught a person erasing people’s criminal records.
They said he was a real pro for a first offender.
56. Who’s the most famous lawn detective?
57. Cop to perp: “Did you kill this man?”
Perp: “No, he died of natural causes.”
Cop: “He was shot!”
Perp: “Right — a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. So, he died of natural causes. Sheesh, I thought you were the cop here.”
58. Cop to perp: “Where do you live?”
Perp: “With my parents.”
Cop: “Where do your parents live?”
Perp: “With me.”
Cop: “Where do you all live?”
Cop: “Where is your house?”
Perp: “Next to my neighbor’s house.”
Cop: “Where is your neighbor’s house.”
Perp: “If I tell you, would you believe me?”
Cop: “Tell me.”
Perp: “Next to my house.”
59. I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me.
Funny… I don’t remember applying for a job there.
60. Who works in tandem with the grammar police?
61. What do you say when your friend wants to hear a really cool joke about the police from you?
You say, “Freeze!”
62. What is a police officer’s favorite type of tag?
63. How do cops greet people?
Policed to meet you!
64. A state trooper pulled a farmer over on a rural road and said, “Sir, do you realize your brother fell out of the car several miles back?”
To which the farmer replied, “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”