Our service members love to bust on themselves and each other. Being in the military can be a tough job, so the ability to joke about your occupation is pretty much a necessity. So we’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of quips and puns about the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, and Coast Guard. Have you heard all these?
For All Military
1. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran.
2. As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure were a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
3. How many guns do you need for a firefight?
Two. One for us to shoot and one for the US to sell to the enemy so he can shoot us back.
4. What do you call someone who just got run over by a tank?
5. How different military branches use stars
The Army sleeps under the stars
The Navy navigates by the stars
And the Air Force choose hotels by the stars
6. What month do all troops hate?
7. A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent…
In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.
In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.
In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room.
8. Why do military men often marry lovers from the foreign countries in which they’re deployed?
Because when they finally come home, they get to leave their in-laws thousands of miles away.
9. Did you hear about the karate master who joined the military?
He saluted and nearly chopped off his own head.
10. Why was the sergeant mad when his son brought home an A in math?
He said he spent more time dividing than conquering.
11. How many officers does it take to start a jeep?
Five. How many NCOs does it take? Just one, because no matter how many of them you have, officers can’t do anything right.
12. What’s the difference between Aeroflot and a scud missile?
Aeroflut has killed more people.
13. A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.
“Where do you think you’re going, son?”
“Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scare and tried to go AWOL.”
“Who you calling “Captain?” I’m a general!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the soldier. “I didn’t realized I’d run that far back.”
14. Where do Generals keep their armies?
In their sleevies.
15.The reason the branches all bicker among themselves is because they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, look at the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
16. What happened when the soldier went to the enemy bar?
He got bombed.
17. Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”
18. A general is sitting in his jeep on the side of the road when a lieutenant pulls up, hops out and asks, “Car stuck?”
The general hands the LT his keys, slides into the LT’s jeep and says, “Nope. But, yours is.”
19. A drill sergeant grumbles at his fresh young trainee, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, Private.”
“Thank you very much, Sir,” replies the soldier.
20. Words of wisdom from the front lines:
The will coffee tastes better if the latrines are downstream from the encampment.
Air Force Jokes
21. How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He just hold it while the world revolves around him.
22. How do you play Air Force Bingo?
“A-10… B-52… F-16!”
23. What’s the difference between God and a Air Force pilot?
God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.
24. Emergency management: “Always remember that if one engine fails on a dual-engine plane, you’ll still have enough power to safely reach the scene of the crash.”
25. Air Force Fact:
The only time you can have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
26. An Airman and a Marine walk into the restroom at the same time.
The Airman finishes up and heads out. When the Marine is finished, he washes his hands and then catches up to the Airman. “Hey, buddy. In the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak.” The airman responds, “In the Air Force, they teach us not to pee on our hands.”
27. What do pilots and air traffic controllers have in common?
If pilots screw up, they die. If air traffic controllers screw up, pilots also die.
28. It’s 1955 at a SAC B-36 base and an F-86 pilot is requesting landing instructions.
He is low on fuel and asks for priority. The tower tells him he is second in line behind a B-36 with an engine out. The Jet pilot’s response, “Ahh, the dreaded 9 engine landing.”
29. How do you know when your date with a fighter pilot is half over?
He says, “Enough about me. Want to hear about my plane?”
30. An F-16 comes careening down the runway. It’s anything but smooth — fishtailing and leaving a line of burnt rubber and sparks behind it.
Tower: “Need any assistance, Airman?”
Pilot: “I don’t know, Tower, we’re not done crashing yet!”
31. What’s the purpose of the propeller?
To keep the pilot cool. Doubt it? Stop the propeller and watch the pilot sweat.
32. What do you call a deer enlisted in the Air Force?
33. A short list of problems reported by a pilot, followed by the mechanic’s response.
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
34. How do you know if there’s an Air Force pilot at your party?
Oh, don’t worry. He’ll tell you as soon as he walks in.
35. What’s the idea cockpit crew? A dog and a pilot.
The pilot is there to feed the dog. The dog is flying so that he can bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.
36. Which branch is the most patriotic?
The Air Force because they US AF.
37. What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and a fighter jet?
The jet stops whining once you turn the engine off.
38. What do you call a large formation of MAC aircraft?
A Big Mac Attack.
39. Where do rabbits learn to fly?
The hare force.
40. Just because there are no complaints, doesn’t all mean parachutes are perfect.
41. A basic trainee realizes he made an awful mistake and goes to the DI.
“You can’t keep me here because one of my legs is shorter than the other. I’ll be useless.” The DI smirks, “No one is useless. See that guy down the hill pumping water into a bucket? When the trainee nods, the DI continues, “Run down there and tell him when the bucket is full. He’s blind.”
42. If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with baggy green skin.
43. Two PFCs are walking down the street.
“Look, a dead bird.”
The Second PFC looks up to the sky, “Where? I don’t see it!”
44. Two most important rules in the Army.
1. Your commanding officer is always right.
2. In case your commanding officer is wrong, remember rule number one.
45. Why doesn’t the Army Football team have ice on the sidelines?
The guy with the recipe finally graduated.
46. A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunked down in the field for
the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, “When you see all the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?”
47. Overheard at the VFW, “When I was in the Army, I got both my arms shot off.”
“I shouldered on, anyway.”
48. Two Army 2nd Lts in North Carolina were going into the Training Area at night and were arguing about distances.
One said, “OK, Smarty, which is closer, Florida or the Moon?”
The second one said, “DUH? The moon is closer. You can’t see Florida!”
49. A private asks a sergeant, “Is it true that man descending from monkeys?”
“Privates, probably. But, definitely not sergeants.”
The LT replies, “Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the
universe and I can’t help but wonder if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. What do you think of, Sergeant?”
“I think somebody stole the damn tent.”
50. What’s the difference between the Boy Scouts and the Army?
The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
51. What’s the difference between a PFC and a 2nd Lieutenant?
The PFC has been promoted twice.
52. Son: Dad, what was your favorite day as a soldier?
Dad: The first time I sent some private to find batteries for the chem lights.
53. What do you call a 2nd Lieutenant surrounded by PFCs?
54. A General radios a Colonel.
“Got any smart Majors?”
“Quite a few! Why?”
“Can you send some over? I need to move around some furniture.”
55. What does ARMY stand for?
Air (Force) Rejected Me Yesterday
56. What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army officer?
A flat major.
57. Did you hear about the accident on base?
A tank ran over a box of popcorn and killed two kernels.
58. Army rules: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn’t move, pick it up. If you can’t pick it up, paint it.
59. What’s the best job for babies in the Army?
60. Did you know that all blonde and Marine jokes are interchangeable?
61. What’s the Marines’ main mission?
To make sure the Army never gets their feet wet.
62. An Airman, Soldier, and Marine are sitting around talking about hardships they faced on their last deployment.
Airman: “The worst was when the air conditioner in our tent broke and it was 110 outside!”
Soldier: “WTF, you had air conditioners?”
Marine: “Wait, stop. You had tents?”
63. A Captain halted a Corporal and asked why his stripes weren’t on his sleeves.
He replied, “They hurt my nose when I wiped.”
64. The morning radio announcer on the AFES station in Anchorage AK was giving the time one morning at 8 AM.
He said, for those of you in the Air Force, it is 8 AM, the Army, it is 0800 hours, the Navy, it is 8 bells, and for the Marines, the little hand is on the 8 and the big hand is on the 12.
65. What do you call a Marine who can read and write?
“Sir! Yes, Sir!”
66. Three Marines are walking down the sidewalk and see a large pile of brown matter.
One scoops some of it up in his hand and says, “It feels like poop.” The other picks some up, puts it in his mouth and says, “It tastes like poop, too.” The last marine picks some up and sniffs saying, “It smells like poop, as well.” The trio walks way, happy that none of them stepped in it.
67. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?
68. During a deployment on the Aircraft Carrier Midway, there was an inspection by a visiting Admiral.
All Navy and Marine personnel lined up in formation for the Admiral. While walking past several Sailors asking questions and receiving appropriate answers the Admiral stopped in front of a Marine and asked “What’s the first thing you do after hearing “Man Overboard?” Without hesitation the Marine asked “Officer or Enlisted?”
69. I tried out for the Marines but fell just short of their requirements
So they put me in the Navy since I was a sub-marine.
70. What do you call a Marine with a head wound?
71. How do you knock out a marine while he’s drinking water?
Slam the toilet lid down on his head.
72. A Marine orders a pizza and the waitress asks if he’d like it sliced into four pieces or six.
“Make it four. I’m not hungry enough for six.”
73. What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces?
They all originally set out to become Marines.
74. Why did God give the Marine one more brain cell than the horse?
So he wouldn’t poop along the parade rout.
75. Ever wonder what Marine stands for?
Muscles. Are. Required. Intelligence. Not. Essential.
76. Helicopter nicknames
USMC: OHH! OHH OHOH! (pointing at the sky)
77. What’s the worst thing you can say to a Marine?
“I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to join the marines.”
78. A vegan, a cross-fitter and a Marine walk into a bar…
I know it because they announced it as soon as they walked in.
79. How do you keep a Marine happy in his old age?
Tell him a joke when he’s young.
80. Bartender: “Guys, I just heard a great joke about the military!”
Patron: “Before you say anything, you should know that my buddy and I are marines. Think you still want to share it?”
Bartender: “Nah. I don’t want to have to explain it.”
81. What’s long, hard and full of seamen?
82. What did one troubled Sailor say to the other?
We’re in the same boat.
83. Two fresh Sailors were talking about assignments they would like to get.
Sailor 1: “Someday I’d like to ride on a submarine.”
Sailor 2: “Not me! I wouldn’t set foot on any ship that sinks on purpose.”
84. What did the Navy say to the Coast Guard?
“SEAL you later!”
85. Why couldn’t the Sailors play cards?
The captain was sitting on the deck.
86. Why did the US Navy gift the British Navy glass-bottomed boats?
So they could see the old British Navy.
87. Why do SEALs fall backwards off the boat?
If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.
88. When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.
89. As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.”
“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”
90. What do the Chinese call their Navy?
The censor ships.
91. What grades do you need to join the Navy?
92. What do you call an American Naval ship hijacked by pirates?
93. I’ve never understood the Navy’s color being Navy blue.
I though they were the aqua-marines.
94. A kid fresh from high school wants to join the Navy. “Can you swim?” asks the recruiter.
“Why? Don’t y’all have boats?”
95. Air Force Pilot to a Seaman: “You’re telling me that you’re in the Navy but can’t swim?”
Seaman: “You’re in the Air Force. Can you fly?”
96. What’s the difference between a Navy Aircrewman and an otter?
The otter knows he’s not a seal.
97. What do you call a snail aboard a ship?
98. My Niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy.
I couldn’t figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons.
99. I’m about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.
I have to take a course in anchor management.
100. Why does the Norwegian Navy put bar codes on their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
101. What did the Navy dentist’s license plate read?
102. My friend has a really unhealthy relationship with Navy vessels.
He warships them.
103. Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, “Why do you want to join the Navy, son?”
“My father said it’d be a good idea, sir.”
“Oh? And what does your father do?”
“He’s in the Army, sir.”
104. Navy pilot: “That’s it! We’re flying faster than the speed of sound!”
105. My dad said he joined the Navy out of spite.
He was a petty officer.