parental hilarity

145+ Funny Mom Jokes Because She's Way Funnier Than Dad (Just Don't Tell Him That)

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
A mom telling a funny joke to her daughter while driving in a convertible
Lais Borges/Scary Mommy; Getty Images

It’s true; moms can do it all — including laughing dad jokes under the table. Sorry, Dads (and your dad jokes), but moms are pretty funny too. In fact, part of what makes moms so hilarious is that they can easily laugh at themselves. Whether they’re poking fun at pregnancy and motherhood or LOLing at the crazy things kids make them do, mom jokes are funny for the whole family. There’s no doubt that inspiring quotes about mothers have their special time and place, but there’s nothing quite like a witty knock-knock about Mama!

You’re not alone in your search for an epic one, either. According to the most recent search data available to us, mom jokes is searched for nearly 22,200 times per month. So, we rounded up the mom jokes and quotes that will leave you loving and laughing at your mom even more.

Epic Funny Mom Jokes


  1. Son: “Mom, can I get $20?” / Mom: “Does it look like I’m made of money?” / Son: “Well, isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?”
  2. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? “Where’s Pop Corn?”
  3. Daughter: “Mom, I need my personal space!” / Mom: “You came out of my personal space.”
  4. Mother: (n.) One person who does the work of 20 for free.
  5. Don’t wake up mom! There are at least seven species that eat their young. Your mom may be one of them.
  6. I asked a police recruit during an exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He said, “Call for backup.”
  7. Why is a computer so smart? Because it listens to its motherboard.
  8. Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long!
  9. What are the three quickest ways to spread a rumor? The internet, telephone, and telling your mom.
  10. What do you call a small mom? Minimum.
  11. “It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” — Carrie Underwood
  12. A mother said to her son, “Look at that kid over there; he’s not misbehaving.” The son replied, “Maybe he has good parents then!”
  13. “How do I explain [my mom]? She is as respected as Mother Teresa, as powerful as Stalin, and as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.” — Leslie Knope, Parks & Recreation (2009-2015)
  14. What did the Mama tomato say to the baby tomato? “Ketchup!”
  15. Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his mom was in a jam!
  16. What did the mama say to the foal? “It’s pasture your bedtime.”
  17. What did Mommy spider say to baby spider? “You spend too much time on the web.”
  18. What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? “It’s time to go to sweep!”
  19. Science teacher: “When is the boiling point reached?” Student: “When my mother sees my report card!”
  20. “Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!” — Humpty Dumpty’s mother
  21. “I’ve got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?” — Goldilocks’ mother
  22. “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” — Michelangelo’s mother
  23. Daughter: “Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?” Mother: “I don’t know dear, ask your grandmother.”
  24. “If at first you don’t succeed… try doing it the way Mom told you to in the beginning.” — Unknown
  25. Mommy: “Mommy will think about it!” / Narrator: “Mommy never thought about it. She knew it was ‘no’ all along and just wanted everyone to STFU.”
  26. “If you’ve never said, ‘You need to back up a little so I can wipe myself,’ do you even have kids?” — @The Mother Octopus
  27. “I always remind my kids: Having a weird mom builds character.” — Wellnessmama
  28. “I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember because our kids interrupted us 175 times.” — Mommy Owl
  29. “I love all my children equally. Except for the one that sleeps… I love that one more.” — Unknown
  30. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Adore. Adore who? Adore you mommy!
  31. What did the panda give his mommy? A bear hug.
  32. What makes more noise than a child jumping on mommy’s bed? Two children jumping on mommy’s bed!
  33. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like breakfast in bed mommy?
  34. Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook.
  35. What did the lazy boy say to his mom on Mother’s Day when she was about to do the dishes? “Relax mom… you can just do them in the morning.”
  36. What sweets do astronaut moms like? Mars bars.
  37. What was Cleopatra’s favorite day of the year? Mummy’s Day.
  38. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it, anyway.” — Erma Bombeck
  39. Mom: The amazing ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors, in the middle of the night, three bedrooms away — while daddy snores next to you.
  40. Never doubt a mother! She can carry a screaming toddler, two gallons of milk, talk on her cell phone, and still shoot you daggers for looking at her crazy.
  41. Nothing is really lost until Mom can’t find it.
  42. Why do Mothers have to have two visits to the optometrist? Because they also have eyes in the back of their head.
  43. Why did mom get a plate of English muffins on Mother’s Day? Her family wanted her to feel like a queen!
  44. “It’d be cool if my kids could make something I actually want, like a bottle of wine, out of macaroni and glue.” — Stephanie McMaster
  45. “Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” — Kelly Oxford
  46. Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” — Jenny McCarthy
  47. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Omelet. Omelet who? Omelet Mommy sleep in today.
  48. At my age I’m no longer a snack; I’m a Happy Meal. I come with toys and kids.
  49. Yes, please get a new cup every time you need water — said no mom ever.
  50. Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.
  51. Licked a dark smear off my finger, and then thought, “Phew it’s chocolate.”
  52. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
  53. Spit up is my new favorite accessory; no outfit is complete without it.
  54. I feel personally victimized by my own daughter. I just want her to stop throwing crackers at me.
  55. I hate when I’m waiting for mom to cook dinner and then I remember I am the mom, and I have to cook dinner.
  56. Whoever wrote the song “Easy Like Sunday Morning” did not have kids.
  57. When your mom’s voice is so loud, even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.
  58. You know you’re a mom when picking up another human to smell their butt isn’t only normal, but necessary.
  59. My mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much. I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”
  60. I stubbed my toe and my mom shouted at me for yelling, “What the duck!” She was angry that I used fowl language.
  61. What kind of flowers are best for Mother’s Day? Mums.
  62. Why did they have to rush the mommy rattlesnake to the doctor? She bit her tongue!
  63. “Ah, babies. They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” — Tina Fey
  64. “Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future.” — Amy Poehler
  65. “I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” — Reese Witherspoon
  66. “No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too.” — Chrissy Teigen
  67. Why did the mommy cat want to go bowling? She was an alley cat.
  68. What color flowers do mama cats like to get?Purrrrrrrple flowers.
  69. What warm drink helps mom relax? Calm-omile tea.
  70. How do you get the kids to be quiet? Say, “Mum’s the word.”
  71. How do you keep little cows quiet, so their mommy can sleep late? Use the moooooote button.
  72. Why was the house so neat on Mother’s Day? Because Mom spent all day Saturday cleaning it.
  73. Why did the mommy horse want to race on a rainy day? She was a mudder.
  74. Why did the bean children give their mom a sweater? She was chili.
  75. “My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'” — Paula Poundstone
  76. “I love when the kids tell me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.” — Just Surviving Motherhood
  77. “My kid is turning out to be exactly like me. Well played, Karma. Well played.” — House Wife Plus
  78. “My kids are never better friends than when it’s 30 minutes past bedtime, and they won’t stop giggling.” — The Simplified Family
  79. “Remember when you first became a parent. And everything was so terrifying? Now you watch your kid lick the grocery cart and you don’t even break a sweat.” — @She’s The Honest Mom
  80. “I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for six to eight more weeks.” — Petite Bello
  81. “Is there any way to file a temporary restraining against a toddler? Just like 24 hours, maybe two days tops. Asking for a friend.” — Just Surviving Motherhood
  82. “I just watched my child individually pick off and eat every sprinkle on the donut I gave her. She has the patience for that, but can’t wait 30 seconds for me to pee by myself.” — @She’s The Honest Mom
  83. “‘When can we come see the baby?’ Four a.m. would be super helpful. Thanks.” — Just Surviving Motherhood
  84. “Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” — Shonda Rhimes
  85. “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” — Calvin Trillin
  86. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller
  87. “Every day when you’re raising kids, you feel like you could cry or crack up and just scream ‘This is ridiculous!’ because there’s so much nonsense, whether it’s what they’re saying to you or the fact that there’s avocado or poop on every surface.” — Kristen Bell
  88. “Children are like crazy, drunken small people in your house.” — Julie Bowen
  89. “I love to play hide-and-seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can’t find me until after high school.” — Unknown
  90. “You know how once you have kids you never ever pee by yourself again? At least one of them is always in there with you at all times.” — Jennifer Garner
  91. “[Kids] are challenging. Wine is necessary. They’re great though.” — Kelly Clarkson
  92. “Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” — Ed Asner
  93. “Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” — Julia Roberts
  94. “I’ve conquered a lot of things… blood clots in my lungs — twice, knee and foot surgeries, winning Grand Slams being down match point, to name just a few. But I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller!” — Serena Williams
  95. You know you’re a mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.
  96. My nickname is Mom. But my full name is “Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom.”
  97. Eight-year-old: “I’m hungry” / Mom: “Have some fruit” / Eight-year-old: “I don’t want fruit.” / Mom: “Then you’re not hungry.”
  98. Mom: “Come down for dinner!” / Kid: “I’m busy, mooooom!” / Mom: “Right now before it gets cold!” (runs down the stairs) / Kid: “Where’s the food?”/ Mom: “It’ll be ready in five minutes.”
  99. Kid: “What’s for dinner?” Mom: “Food” Kid: “What kind?” Mom: “The kind you eat”
  100. Roses are red, Violets are blue. My mom’s jokes, Are funnier than you.
  101. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Yo mama. Yo mama who? Yo mama who knows you didn’t throw out the garbage like I asked you to.
  102. Pointed look from mom: “Give you money? Oh, honey, I already gave you life.”
  103. Motherhood is fun and all, but have you ever had the house alone on a Saturday?
  104. Bought my mom a mug that says, “Happy Mother’s Day from the World’s Worst Son.” I forgot to mail it, but I think she knows.
  105. Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
  106. Why is Mother’s Day before Father’s Day? So the kids can spend all their Christmas money on mom.
  107. Son: “Mom, what’s a weekend?” / Mom: “I don’t know, sweetheart, I haven’t had one since you were born.”
  108. Boy: “My mom is having a new baby.” / Girl: “What’s wrong with the old one?”
  109. There are two amounts of pasta moms are good at cooking: Not enough and enough for 3,000 people.
  110. “It’s spicy” is universal mom code for “I don’t want to share.”
  111. I love my kids. Not enough to flip the fish sticks halfway through cooking, but I love them.
  112. Mom’s recipe for iced coffee: Have kids. Make coffee. Forget you made coffee. Put it in the microwave. Forget you put it in the microwave. Drink it cold.
  113. “Mom, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his mother replied. After dinner, the mother asked, “Now, baby, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
  114. Baby snake: “Mommy, are we venomous?” / Mommy snake: “Yes, son. Why?” / Baby snake: “I just bit my tongue!”
  115. What do you call a mom who isn’t around much and can’t seem to get their underwear into the hamper? Dad.
  116. How many moms does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, obviously, and she has to do it or else it won’t get done.
  117. To Mom: “I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m hot, can I have… where are you?” / To Dad: “Where’s Mom?”
  118. What kind of boat is barely staying afloat, yet somehow manages to function? The mother ship.
  119. Mom: “I have the perfect son.” / “Friend: “Does he smoke?” / Mom: “No, he doesn’t.” / Friend: “Does he drink whiskey?” / Mom: “No, he doesn’t.” / Friend: “Does he ever come home late?” / Mom: “No, he doesn’t.” / Friend: “I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?” / Mom: “He will be six months old next Wednesday.”
  120. A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?” The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.” The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
  121. Mother to son: “I’m warning you. If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don’t come running to me!”
  122. Son: “When is Mother’s Day, Dad?” / Dad: (wearily unplugging the vacuum) “Every day, son, every day.”
  123. What is a jumper? Something you wear when your mother gets cold.
  124. Before having kids, every mom thinks she’ll be a super-chill mom. That’s because, at that point, we had no idea they’d break all our stuff, make ridiculous demands, and take roughly 10 years to get out of the car.
  125. Please excuse the mess! My kids are making memories of me yelling at them. To clean up the mess.
  126. My kids asked me what it was like to be a mom. So, I woke them up at 3 a.m. demanding to know where my lucky sock was.
  127. She believed she could, and she almost did… But then someone asked her repeatedly for a snack and she totally lost track of what she was doing.
  128. What’s the fastest land mammal? A toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
  129. Night Mom: “Tomorrow, I’m going to get up early before all of the kids, pack their lunches, go for a run, cook a healthy breakfast, and enjoy 20 minutes of silent ‘me time.'” / Morning Mom: “Hahahahahaha. Nice try.”
  130. My housekeeping style as a mom can best be described as “there appears to have been a struggle.”
  131. Motherhood: When changing from plaid flannel PJs into black yoga pants qualifies as “getting dressed.”
  132. Why did the mother cross the road? To get some peace and quiet!
  133. Where do baby Transformers come from? Opti-Mom Prime.
  134. Son: “Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants?” / Dad: “No.” / Son: “Then it’s a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping!”
  135. Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales? Because mothers are priceless.
  136. What did the mother rope say to her child? “Don’t be knotty.”
  137. What three words solve every dad’s problems? Ask your mother.
  138. “As a mom, I’m constantly worried about the safety of my children. Like especially the one who’s been rolling her eyes and talking back to me.” — @RelaxingMommy
  139. “I found $20 in the dryer and promptly made a money laundering joke and I don’t care if my family doesn’t think I’m hilarious because I think I’m hilarious.” — @thepursuinglife
  140. “Sometimes you just gotta send yourself to your room.” — @itsdeenalang
  141. *In Mary Poppin’s voice* “Kids, time to go!” 15 minutes later… *Christian Bale’s Batman voice* “I said, let’s go.”
  142. When my kid tells me they got hurt doing exactly what I told them to stop doing so they wouldn’t get hurt, I say, “Oh noooooo…”
  143. When did you know you were a mother? When I realized 90 percent of my day was locating someone else’s lost crap.
  144. What is a mom’s favorite flower? Chrysanthemums.
  145. “I’m homeschooling like that substitute teacher who rolls in the television for a movie and just eats snacks in the back of the class.” — @fruitsofmotherhood
  146. “Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning, you can braid hair while I pack lunches, and we can all be late.” — @simoncholland

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