Fun & Games

31 Irish Jokes & Puns That'll Go Down As Well As A Guinness

They’ll have you Dublin over with laughter.

by Laura Grainger
Originally Published: 
Irish jokes and puns

Ahh, Ireland… a nation that truly knows how to have a good time. Hence why half our list of Irish jokes and puns are alcohol-related. You don’t need to wait until Paddy’s Day to get a laugh out of these. Tell them in your favorite Irish bar at your own risk. Then again, if there’s any group of people who can take it as well as they dish it, it’s the Irish!

  1. What did the drunken Irishman in New York write to his wife back home? Irish you were beer!
  2. How does every Irish joke start? By looking over your shoulder.
  3. Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe? Its population is always Dublin.
  4. How can Irish people tell when it’s summer? The rain gets warmer.
  5. Where do leprechauns go instead of Comic-Con? Lepre-Con.
  6. Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover? You don’t want to press your luck.
  7. Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes? They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
  8. Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? They’re always a little short.
  9. What do you call a fake Irish stone? A sham-rock.
  10. Every night, an Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey. He downs each shot, pays the barman, and leaves. The bartender eventually asks him why he always drinks exactly three shots. “It’s one for me and one for each of my brothers,” he tells the bartender. “One is in America and the other is in Australia, and we do this to feel like we’re all still drinking together.” A month later the Irishman only orders two shots of whiskey. “Oh no,” says the barman. “I’m sorry for your loss. Was it the one in America or Australia?” “What?” The Irishman looks puzzled, then glances at the whiskey glasses. “Jesus no, it’s nothin’ like that. It’s just that I’ve decided to stop drinking.”
  11. What do you call an Irishman covered in boils? A leper-chaun.
  12. What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and a funeral? At a funeral, there’s one less drunk.
  13. Why do the Irish fight amongst themselves? They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
  14. A priest is driving back to Dublin when he gets pulled over for speeding. The Garda approaches the window and sees an empty wine bottle in the passenger’s seat. The priest rolls down the window and a strong smell of wine wafts out. “Have you been drinking, Father?” asks the Garda. “Just water,” replied the priest. “I can smell wine, Father,” said the Garda. The priest looks from the bottle to the heavens. “Good Lord, he’s done it again!”
  15. What do you call a big Irish spider? A Paddy long legs.
  16. What’s Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O’furniture.
  17. What’s a leprechaun’s favorite kind of music? Sham-rock and roll.
  18. The barman said to Paddy, “Your glass is empty, can I get you another one?” Paddy replied, “Why would I be needing two feckin’ empty glasses?”
  19. What do you call an Irish fella trying to break up a fight? Liam Malone.
  20. How do you know if an Irishman is having a good time? He’s Dublin over with laughter.
  21. What do ghosts drink on St. Patrick’s Day?BOOs.
  22. Why don’t leprechauns run? They’d rather jig than jog.
  23. Knock Knock! Who’s there? Ireland! Ireland who? Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
  24. Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated? He became a French fry.
  25. What does it mean when you find a horseshoe in Ireland? Some poor horse is going barefoot.
  26. Are people jealous of the Irish? Yeah, they’re green with envy.
  27. Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming? They’re really into green living.
  28. What do the Irish say when a dance is over? “The jig is up!”
  29. What’s the difference between a magician and a leprechaun? One does hat-tricks; the other does pat-tricks.
  30. How do Irish chefs keep track of all their cooking tools? They have a whisk-key.
  31. How do Irish magicians show off on St. Patrick’s Day? They play the brag-pipes.

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