Hilarious Valentine's Day Cards For Rest of Us

Hilarious Valentine’s Day Cards For Rest of Us


It’s February and love is in the air, or at least I’m assuming it is. I’ve been married for quite a few years now, so around here, my air is filled with the smell of unwashed sweatpants and whatever died in our garbage disposal.

On Valentine’s Day many many years ago, I remember making cheesy homemade cards, getting mixed tapes filled with love songs, and making everyone around us want to barf. Now, I would kill someone with a heart-shaped necklace for a full night of sleep and if I got a box of candy, I might as well just duct tape it right onto my ass.

Living relationship dreams, ya’ know?

If you’ve been with your partner for long enough, Valentine’s day has probably started to lose it’s appeal a bit. But I am here for you. I have some cards that might better express how you’re feeling on February 14th now, than you did when Valentine’s day was marketed directly to you.

You know you’ve found true love when you can still sleep next to the monster that leaves you with this in the bathroom.

Julie Ann Art / Etsy.com

Here is a card that really describes being married with children.

Sad Shop / Etsy.com

And, if we’re being honest:

Debbie Draws Funny / Etsy.com

Hahahahaha! FOREEEEEVER.

In A Nutshell Studio / Etsy.com

This card explains my entire relationship.

Simply Said Paper Co / Etsy.com

Those who say marriage isn’t a competition for something, are liars.

Bettie Confetti / Etsy.com

The true definition of a soul mate right here.

Sad Shop / Etsy.com

That is A LOT of love, I tell you.

Debbie Draws Funny / Etsy.com

Ooh la la. You’re in for a treat tonight, mister.

striped hat studio / Etsy.com

I mean, I might draw the line if you put socks under those things, however.

Teeny Weenie Paper Co. / Etsy.com

This card just says “marriage” to me.

In A Nutshell Studio / Etsy

Guys will like this card. And, um, no.

In A Nutshell Studion / Etsy.com

Here is another card that guys might like. It really says it all, I think.


LOL. Coffee more often, but you know what I mean.

In a Nutshell Studio / Etsy.com

This is the truest thing ever said. This might be the card for me.

In A Nutshell Studio / Etsy.com

Real men buy sanitary supplies. And they deserve a card that says so.

Julie Ann Art / Etsy.com


Simply Said Paper Co / Etsy.com

True love is recognizing that you’re on the same team, after all.

Bettie Confetti / Etsy.com

Or, “I love how you like to complain a lot and then you start cheering for Alisha on The Bachelor.”

Julie Ann Art / Etsy.com

I feel like this is an appropriate card for a lot of households right now. I could even send it to my dad!

Knotty Cards / Etsy.com

Ikea is where most divorces happen.

Bettie Confetti / Etsy.com

And your favorite curmudgeon could buy this one.

Debbie Draws Funny / Etsy.com

Good luck out there, married and long-time committed folks, there is a Valentine’s day card for all of us. And hopefully we can all celebrate how we really want to, by sleeping next to that person we love despite our mutual ratty pajamas and the horrific sounds that are coming out of their face. That, after all, is true love.