The Best 'Scrubs' Quotes And Funny Moments To Giggle At

The Doctor Prescribes These ‘Scrubs’ Quotes And Moments To Tickle Your Funny Bone

February 14, 2020 Updated February 24, 2020


NBC is home to many iconic comedies and sitcoms: Friends, The Office, Saturday Night Live, 30 Rock, and Parks and Recreation — the list goes on. Another staple of that list, Scrubs, first aired in 2001 — meaning it will turn 20 next year! Giving everyone in the aughts a much-needed break from the heaviness of medical dramas, the show brought a light-hearted touch to the hospital world on our TVs.

We’ve compiled a list of our favorite Scrubs quotes and moments to look back and laugh at. Featuring each of the hospital staff’s most memorable characters, this list is sure to give you a giggle.

Elliot: “‘Rate Dr. Reid’s butt?’… Yes! 9.2! Thank God this hospital’s full of white guys.”
Kelso: “Don’t be too pleased with that 9.2. That’s out of 100.”

“I don’t believe in the moon. I think it’s just the back of the sun.” – Janitor

“You know, Newbie, it’s so interesting — I found I couldn’t sleep last night, so, in order to pass the time, I started to make a list of things that annoy me more than you. Anyway, I came up with people who call Wednesdays ‘hump day’ and, of course, all Sandra Bullock movies.” – Dr. Cox

Carla: “Tell me my husband loves me more than he loves you.”
J.D: “It’s about the same.”
Carla: “I’ll take it.”

“Sometimes in life when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind.” – J.D.

“Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring.” – Dr. Cox

“Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter cause I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all those mothers. That’s what ‘house call’ used to mean.” – Dr. Kelso

Date: “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you having a good time?”
J.D: “Actually, it is a roll of quarters. Laundry day!”

“Why do white people ruin everything? I only got to say ‘fo shizzle’ for a week.” – Turk

“My first patient today was a snot-nosed little punk who wouldn’t let me give him a rectal exam unless I said “pretty please” first, and… I’m not just big on begging strangers to stick my hand up their butt, not even in my private time.” – Dr. Cox

scrubs quotes

Patient: “Sure, he’s young, but he’s probably a very good doctor. Are you a good doctor?”
J.D: “It’s kinda too soon to tell.”

“Actually, it’s not a helmet. It’s a hair-met. It has extra room so you don’t mess up your hairdo.” – J.D.

“Either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.” – Dr. Cox

Carla: “I just want a baby so badly.”
Turk: “Why? What’s it going to be like, having a baby?”
Carla: “Dr. Cox says it’s like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk.”
Turk: “Awesome.”

“Some people just cannot take a good ‘your mom is dead’ joke.” – Elliot

“The truth is, it is all your memories, the joyful ones and the heartbreaking ones that make up who you are as a person.” – J.D.

“I don’t necessarily buy into all that New Age-y crap. I once saw my mom knock my dad unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? Kept right on going with my birthday party!” – Dr. Cox

Elliot: “You know I kinda had a date last night?”
J.D.: “Really?”
Elliot: “Yeah, a guy on the bus fell asleep on me and drooled on my shoulder.”
J.D.: “You slut.”

“I’m gonna write you a couple of prescriptions. You’ll find this first one is for an oversized mallet so you can pound some sense into yourself. This next one is for a big floppy hat that your now obligated to where every time you leave the house. Have a nice day, you look like a purse.” – Dr. Cox

“Okay, look, attention roof-poopers! Setting aside, for a moment, the fact that I’m going to make sure that you all live to regret this day, let’s keep the magic rolling. Let’s not tell anyone else that there’s a toilet on the roof…” (the Todd walks in) “There is not a toilet on the roof!” – Janitor

“Excuse me, I know what a restraining order is. You act like I’ve never dated.” – Harvey

Dr. Kelso: “I’m tired of patients complaining about being called dummos, tubbos, smokers and jamokers. Whatever the hell jamokers means.”
Dr. Cox: “I was actually saying ‘jokers’ and I had coffee cake in my mouth.”

“We can be sex buddies.” – Elliot

“Ah, back when I was a resident I remember…blah, blah, blah, nostalgic story. Now get the hell out of my office!” – Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: “So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I’m proud of her commitment to medicine.”
Carla: “It’s not like you haven’t had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife…”
Dr. Cox: “Would you get off my ex-wife?”
Carla: “I will if you will.”

Friends quotes

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