Babies are just about the cutest things ever, which is saying a lot considering they lie around and poop their pants all day long. But sometimes, you need to laugh about — or maybe even at — babies just to remind you how gosh darn adorable they are. For the record, you are not a bad parent for laughing at your kid. When you think about it, babies are actually freaking hilarious. It’s no wonder there are so many jokes about them. Their developing minds make them do the silliest things, and there’s no shame in chuckling about it.
Pregnancy is no joke, but now that your little one is here, things are different. You can tell them baby jokes now. They may not understand you and their smile may be caused by gas instead of your gag, but it’s the thought that counts. Besides, your partner and all your mommy friends will howl with laughter because they get it.
Babies are funny creatures in general! So, when you get a break from laughing at the hilarious stuff they do daily, check out this list of baby jokes that’ll keep you nodding in agreement. This especially comes in handy when your tiny human is hijacking your sleep for nights on end. Granted, you don’t have to have a little one to find these jokes funny… but, if you do, they’ll make you LOL and say, awww!
- What do you call a group of baby soldiers?
- How did the baby tell her mom she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
- Tell me, does the stork deliver babies with their diapers on?
No, they’re stork naked!
- The nurse told the parents of a newborn, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the new parents.” “No,” she replied. “Just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband asked, “So, what do you say to the others?” The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”
- Have you heard of the pregnant bed bug?
She’s going to have her baby in the spring.
- Do you know why babies born on holidays are more than likely to be little girls?
Because there is no mail delivery on holidays.
- Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?” His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.” Johnny exclaimed, “Wow… I can see why they threw him out!”
- A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s going on?” asked the concerned father-to-be. “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
- What’s a breastfeeding baby’s least favorite holiday?
- A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40.
I said no, 40 babies are enough.
- What do you do with a fussy baby?
You pacify it.
- Mom: “Why is there a strange baby in the crib?”
Dad: “You told me to change the baby.”
- Did you hear about the lady who traveled to the ocean to have her baby?
She needed a sea section.
- Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man?
- How did it work out for the lady who had a sea section?
She gave birth to a bouncing baby buoy.
- Why did the man bring his pregnant wife a small lizard?
She told him to pick up a baby monitor.
- What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles?
Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan.
- Do you remember what you used to call your security blanket when you were little?
No, I’m drawing a blankie!
- How do you make a baby ghost laugh?
You play peek-a-BOO.
- What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable, while the other is just having a baby.
- How did Batman decorate baby Robin’s crib?
With a bat mobile.
- If a baby refuses to go to sleep…
Is she resisting arrest?
- Where do baby fish sleep?
In a bass-inet.
- What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry.
- Did you hear the joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s newborn daughter?
It’s a little niche.
- Jake: “My mom is having a new baby.”
Joy: “What’s wrong with the old one?”
- Did you know you can get a wooden car seat?
It comes with a sign that says, “Baby on Board.”
- What do you call a newborn baby?
Anything you want.
- I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.
Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.
- My friend’s gambling is getting out of hand.
He just bet his newborn son in our game of poker. And I thought I might have to raise him.
- I think the hospital accidentally switched our babies at birth…
They’re identical twins, so it’s hard to be sure.
- I rushed to the hospital when I heard my cousin could neither walk nor speak…
Apparently all newborns are like that.
- Did you hear about the baby turkeys that were all upset?
They were crying fowl.
- Why do we dress babies in onesies?
Because they can’t dress themselves.
- Why didn’t the baby want to be born?
Because it didn’t want to give up its free womb and board!
- What do you call a cow that had a baby?
- What do triplets need more of than single babies?
- A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”
- A baby’s laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear…
Unless it is 3 a.m., you’re home alone, and you don’t have a baby.
- What did the fire say to her husband after their son’s birth?
“Honey… this is Arson.”
- Who’s bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby?
Their baby because he’s a little Bigger.
- I sat next to a baby on a 10-hour flight.
I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for 10 hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
- Did you hear about the baby born in a high-tech hospital?
It came out cordless.
- What do you call a new baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
- What do you call a group of baby garbage bins?
- How do you get an astronaut’s baby to sleep?
- Mrs. Goat: “Honey, we’re going to have a baby!”
Mr. Goat: “You’re kidding.”
- When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t have teddy bears. You know why?
He had real bears.
- How warm is a baby at birth?
- There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn’t laugh once.
Know why? It was the delivery.
- What did Baby corn say to Mama corn?
“Where is Pop corn?”
- A couple is having a baby soon.
After learning they’re having a boy, the husband says, “Let’s name him Pete!” But the wife says, “Honey, we’re having twins.” The husband replies, “Well, we can call the second one RePete.”
- How can you tell if a snake is a baby?
It has a rattle.
- Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam.
- How did the baby know she was ready to be born?
She was running out of womb.
- Why was the baby drop of ink crying?
His mom was in the pen, and he didn’t know how long her sentence was.
- When do parents change the most baby diapers?
In the wee wee hours.
- Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato, and Baby Tomato are walking down the road.
Baby Tomato starts to lag behind. Papa Tomato becomes angry, goes up to Baby Tomato, squeezes him, and says, “Catch up!”
- What did the buffalo say to his baby boy when paternity leave was over?
- I told my friends a joke about birth complications, but no one laughed.
It must have come out wrong.
- What do you call a boat that just got a baby dinghy?
A mother ship.
- I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after she finishes college.
- Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth?
Because littering is a crime.
- How should you treat a baby goat?
Like a kid.
- What did the doctor say when the pregnant woman gave birth to a frozen pizza?
“It’s not delivery; it’s DiGiorno!”
- Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby’s diaper quickly.
- Who held the baby octopus for ransom?
- A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”
The nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken. Perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153.”
- Do you know how Stonehenge came to be?
By Chuck Norris stacking blocks as a baby.
- Willy: “Mom, are our neighbors poor people?”
Mother: “I don’t think so, Willy. Why do you ask?” Willy: “Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.”
- What did the baby dolphin do when he didn’t get his way?
- What did Frosty the Snowman and his partner put over their baby’s crib?
- Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
- Where do baby cats learn to swim?
The kitty pool.
- When potatoes have babies, what are they called?
- “I don’t always drink milk. But when I do, I prefer Dos Tetas.” — The Most Interesting Baby in the World
- Why did the baby crawl across the street?
He saw the one object you told him he couldn’t play with.
- Why did the baby cry at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.?
- The moment baby falls asleep…
The phone rings, the siblings fight, the door slams, and the dogs bark. Never fails!
- Baby Yoda’s first word probably came after his second word.
- Why is that baby still in diapers?
I’ll give you two reasons: number 1 and number 2.
- I saw my son playing with a used diaper while the air conditioner was on.
It was all fun and games until the shit hit the fan.
- Changing diapers is the hardest part about having kids.
You can’t half-ass it.
- Never trust a baby with a dirty diaper.
They’re full of shit.
- What did Joseph say when changing Jesus’s first diaper?
- My partner is so negative… I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag…
But all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
- What do you give a pig with a diaper rash?
- My baby just ate a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
- Why did the infant go on a diet?
She wanted to lose her baby fat.
- How did the baby almost get her and her mom kicked out of the crowded theater?
She yelled, “pacifier!”
- How many infants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just points at it and cries until his caregiver does it for him.
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow? “It’s pasture bed time.”
- Mom: “You’re growing up now, so you don’t need a bottle all the time.”
Baby: “I could say the same to you, mother.”
- Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their baby?
- Why did the baby monster ask his father to stand in the freezer?
Because he wanted a frozen pop!
- How does a baby ghost cry?
- What do baby pythons play with?
- What is a baby bee?
A little humbug.
- Why does a mother carry her baby?
The baby can’t carry the mother.
- My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord.
He had really grown attached to it.
- I would make a joke about newborns…
But the delivery would be too painful.
- What’s another name for a baby adoption center?
The stork market.
- What did the papa jar say when he first held his newborn baby?
- What did Mother Goose name her newborn son?
- What did the Roman emperor name his chubby newborn?
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