You know why dad jokes are so popular? Because they’re terrible… but you can’t help but laugh at them. Well, dads aren’t the only ones capable of telling stinkers, though. We’ve compiled a ton of jokes and puns so horrible and lame they’ll have dad, mom, and the entire household cringing first and laughing second.
Before you dive right in, what separates the good from the bad joke, you wonder? Well, it’s a jest that ends up in a totally different place than it started, has some sort of ultra-obvious ending, or is not mature enough for a grown-up’s palate. And why do we love telling bad jokes? For the eye roll, scoff, or the occasional golden chuckle, of course! Luckily for you, we’ve gone ahead and rounded up the best of the worst bad jokes out there. Dive right in.
- What did the zebra say the first time he saw a piano?
- Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they’d be chicken sedans.
- I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
- My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
- Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own?
It was two tired.
- Why can’t a nose be twelve inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
- How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like you’re nuts.
- Why don’t dinosaurs talk?
Because they’re dead.
- Did you hear about the guy who invented LifeSavers?
They say he made a mint.
- What’s better than Ted Danson?
Ted Danson and singin’.
- Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents.
- I hate Russian dolls.
They’re so full of themselves.
- What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?
- What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
- Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing!
- What’s green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
- How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
- What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?
- Why did the monkey fall from the tree?
It was dead.
- What’s Harry Potter’s favorite method of getting down a hill?
Walking… JK, Rolling.
- I made a pencil with two erasers.
It was pointless.
- I had a neck brace fitted years ago,
And I’ve never looked back since.
- What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.
- My friend entered a pun contest.
He entered 10 because he figured one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
- I went to the store to pick up some camouflage pants,
But I couldn’t find any.
- Why are colds such bad robbers?
They’re so easy to catch.
- What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree?
- I bought some cool shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
- Why can’t dinosaurs play basketball?
Because they are dead.
- Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
- What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
- Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
When he asked them to name the world’s best composer, they all said, “Bach bach bach!”
- What did the drummer call his two twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
- What do you call a crab that plays baseball?
A pinch hitter.
- What does a nosy pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business!
- How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it.
- The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court,
The game would be canceled.
- Why are there gates around cemeteries?
People are dying to get in!
- I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
- What is a ninja’s favorite type of shoe?
- What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
- What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
- What is Forrest Gump’s computer password?
- How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
- When’s the best time to go to the dentist?
- I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and says, “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
- Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
- What does a baby computer call his father?
- Last night, I dreamed I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
- What’s at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
A nervous wreck!
- I was sitting in traffic the other day.
It’s probably why I got run over.
- How do you catch a bra?
With a booby trap.
- Why did the crab refuse to donate to charity?
- Why did the man get fired from his job at the calendar factory?
He took a couple of days off!
- If you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
- What did one plate say to the other?
“Lunch is on me.”
- There are three types of people in the world.
Those who can count and those who can’t.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
- What did the clock do when it was hungry?
It went back four seconds.
- What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum?
They’re both purple except the rabbit.
- Why do fish live in saltwater?
Pepper makes them sneeze!
- How many ears does Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear.
- What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?
Well, now, all of them.
- I sold my vacuum the other day.
It was just collecting dust.
- What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
“You’re too young to be smoking.”
- I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I ever saw!
- Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
- What did the Buddhist say at the hot dog stand?
“Make me one with everything.”
- What does a martial arts expert drink?
- What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but its flag is a big plus!
- A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
- Why do ghosts love elevators?
They lift their spirits.
- What’s red and bad for your teeth?
- What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
“Robin, get in the car.”
- Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
- What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?
“Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
- Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?
If they fell forward, they’d still be on the boat.
- What type of music do mummies listen to?
- Two fish are in a tank.
One looks to the other and says, “I don’t even know how to drive this thing.”
- Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks to the other and says, “Glub glub glub glub glub.”
- What do you call a cow with two legs?
- What did the man in the orthopedic shoes say?
“I stand corrected.”
- When is your door not actually a door?
When it’s actually ajar.
- What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos?
- I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.
- What’s red and shaped like a bucket?
A blue bucket painted red.
- What did the mime say to his audience?
Nothing. He’s a consummate professional.
- A communist joke isn’t funny unless everyone gets it.
- What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
- What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
- My new thesaurus is terrible.
Not only that, but it’s also terrible.
- Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.
- How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
- What do you call a fly with no wings?
- What’s a dentist’s favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste.
- Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.
- How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
- Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion!
- Who writes ghost stories?
A ghost writer.
- Two guys walk into a bar.
The third guy ducks.
- I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
- What kind of pictures do turtles take?
- What do you call the security guards outside the Samsung factory?
The Guardians of the Galaxy.
- What happens when a clown farts?
It smells funny.
- Wanna hear a funny joke about paper?
Never mind, it’s tearable.
- What do you call a hippie’s wife?
- What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
“Put it on my bill!”
- What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
- Where did the computer go dancing?
- What do bees do if they need a ride?
They wait at the buzz stop.
- What do you give a sick lemon?
- Why do you tell actors to break a leg?
Every play has a cast.
- What kind of dogs love car races?
- What do you call birds who stick together?
- What do we call a crying sister?
- What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time!
- Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
- Why do cobblers go to heaven?
Because they have good soles.
- Why are math books always sad?
Because they are filled with problems.
- Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
- What did the custodian say when he jumped out of the closet?
- What’s the easiest way to make a glow worm happy?
Cut off its tail and it’ll be delighted!
- What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods?
- How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
- What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One you’ll see later, the other you’ll see in a while.
- If you’re American, when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?
- A company is making glass coffins.
It’s clear this might not be a good idea.
- What’s the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
- What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
- Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
- Two muffins were sitting in an oven.
One turned to the other and said, “Wow, it’s pretty hot in here.” The other one shouted, “Wow, a talking muffin!”
- Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock, knock joke?
He won the “no-bell” prize.
- Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?
More than 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.
- Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favorite type of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
- A man walks into a zoo, and the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It’s a shitzu.
- Why did the teacher make nothing but bad chemistry jokes?
All the good ones argon.
- What’s the most groundbreaking invention of all time?
- Who built King Arthur’s Round Table?
- What Forest Gump’s password?
- Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
- What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
- What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A chew-chew train.
- What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
- Why did the bike fall over?
It was two tired.
- How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
- What is fast, loud, and crunchy?
A rocket chip!
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