We all know coffee is life. No wonder there are so many zany facts and quotes about this drink of the gods. And while nothing comes close to kicking off the day like a hot cup of joe, these hilarious coffee jokes, puns, and one-liners come preeeettyyy close. Read these for that extra kick in the morning, and a latte of laughs.
- Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Very, very seriously.
- What do you call sad coffee?
- What’s the best Beatles song?
- Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
Spouse #2: That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.
- How does Moses make his coffee?
- What did the coffee lover name her son?
- What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
- How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
- How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his victims—all ground up.
- How is divorce like espresso?
It’s expensive and bitter.
- What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
- If the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.
- How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
- Where do birds go for coffee?
To the NESTcafe.
- What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
- What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
- I drink so much coffee at work, I consider it part of my daily grind.
- What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
- Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
- How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java!
- What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee?
- What does a coffee lover say when they’re hitting on you?
I’ve been thinking about you a latte.
- Why do they call coffee mud?
Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
- Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.
- How are coffee beans like kids?
They’re always getting grounded!
- If you sit down to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, then your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.
- What’s the opposite of coffee?
- Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?
Because according to the Torah, He Brews!
- Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.
I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.
- How does one bad cup of coffee end a marriage?
One person think its grounds for divorce.
Related: 100+ Office And Work Jokes That Will Make Slacking At Work More Fun
- What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
- What did the barista’s Valentine say?
I can’t espresso my love for you.
- What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?
- A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer.
It was instant.
- What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
- Soup of the day: Coffee.
- What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
- What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?
“What’s Sumatra with you?”
- I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee…
Safe tea first, though.
- Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee.
I really should move that mirror.
- Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso?
It’s a cheap shot.
- What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?
The ground floor.
- A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The blonde says, “You have a drink named Tiffani?”
- Why shouldn’t you discuss coffee in polite company?
It can make for a strong and heated debate.
- Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
Because he was pressed for time.
- What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?
Raw raw raw raw raw.
- A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
- I just got myself a top of the range coffee maker.
It has a lot of perks.
- A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.
- What currency can we use to buy coffee in space?
S T A R B U C K S.
- Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
- “Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
- People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
- Why do I not like hot drinks?
It’s just not my cup of tea.
- I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.
- Why can Starbucks get away with charging outrageous prices for coffee?
Because they have Italian titles for everything!
- How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
- Drinking too much espresso can cause a latte problems.