55 Classic Jim Halpert Quotes And Jokes: The Office Quotes

55 Perfect Jim Halpert Quotes For Literally Any Occasion

September 21, 2020 Updated January 14, 2021

jim halpert quotes
NBC

Just about all of us are in agreement that The Office was the best show in the entire world, right? We could debate which was better between the British and the American versions until the paper is delivered. However, there’s one thing the American version had that the British version just can’t compete with: Jim Halpert (played with a lot of heart by John Krasinski). We loved watching his romance blossom with Pam Beasly aka “the receptionist,” but we also genuinely enjoyed watching the way he worked with Michael Scott. And, of course, how could you enjoy The Office without laughing your butt off at all of Jim’s pranks on his nemesis Dwight Schrute.

Jim was the ultimate, though seemingly good-natured, troll. And all of those pranks became infinitely better when you caught on to the fact that he did them all to entertain Pam and make her laugh. Throughout the series, his character had one of the best character arc in television at the time. He also had some amazing dialogue. From pithy one-liners to true, honest-to-goodness moments of emotional openness, Jim delivered some of the show’s best quotes. These are our absolute favorite Jim moments and quotes.

jim halpert quotes
NBC

Jim Halpert Quotes On Goodbyes

1. It’s just that sometimes goodbyes are a bitch.

Jim Halpert On Co-Workers

2. We didn’t play many video games in Scranton. Instead, we’d do stuff like.. uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high-pitched note and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And, uh, Pam called it… Pretendinitis.

3. Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice?

4. My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.

Jim Halpert On Dead-End Jobs

5. I think it’s great that the company’s making a commercial, because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens or…and frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.

6. Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.

7. I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try.

Jim Halpert Quote

Jim Halpert Quotes On Parenting

8. I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything, and I… and I love her. I also love her very much.

9. Having a baby is exhausting. Having two babies? Now that’s just mean.

Just Some More Of Our Favorite Jim Moments

10. This is “parkour”, the internet sensation of 2004. It was in one of the Bond films. It’s pretty impressive. The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing parkour as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.

11. Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

12. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.

13. Last week, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. And as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

14. You are everything.

Jim Halpert Quotes

15. I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day, so then Andy started calling me ‘Big Tuna.’ I don’t think any of them know my real name.

16. Got it a week after we started dating.

17. From time to time I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future.

18. I had to put more and more nickels in his handset, so he would get used to the weight. Then one day… I took ‘em all out.

19. This is the smallest amount of power I’ve ever seen go to someone’s head.

20. So this is my life. Until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.

21. I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.

22. I mean I’ve always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work, halfheartedly.

23. Everything I have I owe to this job. This stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.

24. Oh so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So. I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.

25. Plan A was marrying her a long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

26. Tomorrow I can tell you what a great boss you turned out to be. Best boss I ever had.

27. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.

28. You’re looking at the master of leaving parties early.

29. Dwight tried to kiss me.

30. Not enough for me? You are everything.

31. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?

32. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.

33. Oh! No, it’s not. They call it Quad-desk.

34. Why don’t I wanna go? Didn’t expect to need a reason so let me think here. Um. I don’t know any of these people, it’s an obligation, I don’t think talking paper in my free time (or in my work time), and did I use the word pointless?

35. He has not stopped working… for a second. At 12:45, he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32, he peed. And I know that because he did that in an open soda bottle, under the desk, while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I’ve been so busy watching him that I haven’t even started work. It’s exhausting, being this vigilant. I’ll probably have to go home early today.

36. Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through [draws question mark] delusion.

37. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, which was just to wait. For a really long time, that’s all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that I was waiting for my wife.

Some of Jim’s Funniest Conversations

38. Jim: So, as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year.
Pam: Maybe it’s because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist.
Jim: Little bit. Worth it.

39. Jim: See, you’re always saying there’s something wrong with society. Maybe there’s something wrong with you?
Michael: If it’s me, then society made me that way.

40. Jim: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dwight: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom.

41. Jim: Well this isn’t my best, but call Froggy 101, say that we’re the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we’re giving away free tickets. We give him a number to call for the tickets and it’s his own number.
Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim. … … He’s a crime-fighting beaver.

42. Dwight: Someone forged medical information, and that is a felony.
Jim: Okay. Whoa, all right, ’cause that’s a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they’re fake?
Dwight: [reading] Uh, ‘Leprosy. Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection.”

43. Dwight: If you’re ever in the area, you’ll always have a place to stay…in my barn.
Jim: There it is.

44. Jim: I think it’s time for you to bury the hatchet.
Dwight: Waste of a good hatchet.

45. Dwight: You’re a good assistant Jim.
Jim: Not as good as you.
Dwight: That’s very true. Get the hell out of here.

46. Dwight: We’re third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn’t technically incest.
Jim: Right in the sweet spot.

47. Jim: That’s my favorite part of Christmas, the authority.
Pam: And the fear.

48. Dwight: Jim, tell him wear he can stick his grapes.
Jim: In the fridge!

49. Jim: The raise isn’t real.
Dwight: Money isn’t real ever since we got off the gold standard.

50. Jim: Why is there so much saliva?
Dwight: All I had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest.

51. Dwight: Is there a belt above black?
Jim: You should ask him. It’s a color you would never expect.

52. Jim: How many buttons do you have?
Dwight: 40… always.

53. Dwight: What is the antidote?
Jim: True love’s kiss.

54. Jim: I mean, I don’t even know what I’d do with all that money.
Dwight: I know what you’d do with all that money: ‘Hey Pam, let’s buy expensive bathrobes and hug.’

55. Andy: You think it has anything to do with the incentive program?
Jim: Oh, absolutely. People wanna see you tattoo your ass.