50 Of The Best Larry David Quotes That Are Pritt-ay, Pritt-ay, Pritt-ay Good

by Laura Grainger
Originally Published: 
Larry David quotes

Larry David has uttered some pretty hilarious words in his near 40-year comedic career. Having gotten his break through stand-up comedy, he wrote for Fridays and Saturday Night Live before meeting his comedic partner in crime, Jerry Seinfeld. His writing and producing on Seinfeld bagged him two Emmys, and he later went on to star as a semi-fictionalized version of himself in Curb Your Enthusiasm where the show’s Larry is full of neuroses, socially awkward, and downright rude. So, basically he’s George Costanza.

All these years of comedy have produced quite a number of hilarious one-liners and quotes. So to celebrate, we’ve compiled a list of 50 Larry David quotes that are laugh-out-loud funny. Check them out below.

“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”

“I don’t think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It’s not even interesting to me.”

“You have to discover when you’re inadequate to be funny and you don’t know you’re inadequate when you’re a kid.”

  1. “You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.”
  2. “Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m deaf and I try to imagine what it’s like not to be able to hear them. It’s not that bad.”
  3. “Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair… Change my name, just see what happens.”

“I learned the first night that IHOP’s not the place to order fish.”

  1. “Let’s go upstairs and all get under the covers and sob.”
  2. “I don’t write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that’s going to happen. There’s an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.”

“Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I’m very casual about it.”

  1. “When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street – things like that.”
  2. “There’s nothing that reflects me. I’m unreflectable!”
  3. “I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.”
  4. “I’m one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.”
  5. “I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.”
  6. “You know, I’m really not that bright.”
  7. “I just – I can’t stand the sound of the human voice.”
  8. “Most people think I’m immodest.”
  9. “I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.”
  10. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”
  11. “I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors – the thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time. I’d rather give them things than time.”

“I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.”

  1. “I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.”


  1. “I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.”
  2. “Can I apologize for the apology?”
  3. “Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.”
  4. “The customer is usually a moron and an asshole.”
  5. “It Was Supposed To Say ‘Beloved Aunt,’ Not ‘Beloved C***!’”
  6. “Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of license and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn’t normally.”
  7. “I think golf is literally an addiction. I’m surprised there’s not Golf Anonymous.”
  8. “A lie is a gesture, it’s a courtesy, it’s a little respect!”
  9. “Eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.”
  10. “A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.”
  11. “I don’t like to say anything good. I feel like I’ll jinx myself.”
  12. “When I was living in New York and didn’t have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I’d think, that’ll be good, that’ll be a good spot for me when I’m homeless.”
  13. “Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I’m – basically inside, I’m a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.”
  14. “I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.”
  15. “If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.”
  16. “Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman.”
  17. “All of a sudden I discovered that I’m allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.”
  18. “When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.”
  19. “I’m a walking, talking enigma. We’re a dying breed.”
  20. “It’s always good to take something that’s happened in your life and make something of it comedically.”
  21. “If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.”
  22. “I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money – this is the guy who needs to laugh.”
  23. “I’ve been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don’t need to know anymore.”
  24. “A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied.”
  25. “I’ve led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.”
  26. “Women love a self-confident bald man.”
  27. “I can’t stand reading anything that I’ve said.”

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