105+ 'Schitt's Creek' Quotes To Make You Feel Part Of The Rose Family

by Laura Grainger
Originally Published: 
schitt's creek quotes

Since premiering in 2015, Schitt’s Creek has quickly established itself as one of TV’s funniest comedies. Its phenomenal cast has entertained us with hilarious one-liners and exaggerated expressions for the past few years.

Schitt’s Creek is a lot like the reverse Beverly Hill Billies. So if you’re looking for a comedy that breaks all the rules of what it means to be a nurturing and conventional family, the Roses are the family for you. And don’t let their last name fool you. They’re the furthest thing from sweet. These quotes will have you dying with laughter, and if you haven’t watched the show yet, these oneliners are sure to boost your interest.

Now that the series is in its final season, we’re dreading saying goodbye to the Roses and their antics. So to turn those tears of sadness into tears of laughter, we’ve compiled a list of 56 iconic Schitt’s Creek quotes we’ve been repeating since we heard ’em. Ew, David!

Looking for more quotes from your favorite TV shows? We have compiled the most hilarious lines from Seinfeld, The Office, and more.

RELATED: Treat Yo’ Self To 100+ ‘Parks And Recreation’ Quotes And Classic Leslie Knope Lines

  1. “I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.” — David
  2. “Hide your diamonds, hide your exes, I’m a little bit Alexis!” — Alexis
  3. “Oh, I’d kill for a good coma right now.” — Moira
  4. “Like Beyoncé, I excel as a solo artist.” — David
  5. “If you’re looking for an ass to kiss, it’s mine.” — Roland
  6. “This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage… I was half expecting early Unabomber.” — Moira Rose
  7. “OK, yeah, no, I did not write this… OK, like, I didn’t even choose this font! It’s horrible.” — Alexis
  8. “What kind of barnyard were you raised in?” — David
  9. “I don’t want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as ‘up for anything.'” — Alexis
  10. “The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you… a lot.” — David
  11. “I totally get that.” — Alexis on something she totally does not get.
  12. Patrick: “We just need a body.”

David: “Then go to the morgue.”

  1. “Well, this town is very screamnastic.” — Johnny
  2. “Very uninterested in that opinion.” — David
  3. “I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole, like, ‘Is she gonna be a princess’ thing… um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just, like, partying too hard.” — Alexis
  4. “Never let the bastards get you down!” — Moira
  5. “You’d think there’d be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people’s families.” — Stevie


  1. “Just remember: no sudden movements, do not reach for the glove box, and no matter what happens, do not tell them your real name.” — Alexis
  2. Moira: “Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?”

Roland: “That’s the sonogram of our baby!”

  1. “Is there, like, a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I’m not aware of?” — David on Roland’s style
  2. “You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.” — Jocelyn to David
  3. “Why am I getting booed?” — Johnny
  4. “I wasn’t in rehab; I was at rehab, visiting Stavros.” — Alexis
  5. “I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.” — David
  6. “I won’t wear anything with an adhesive backing.” — Moira
  7. “Stop doing that with your face.” — Alexis
  8. “If those bunnies feel exploited even a little bit, I am pulling the plug.” — Ted
  9. “I haven’t bedazzled anything since I was 22.” — David
  10. “I’m incapable of faking sincerity.” — Stevie
  11. “There’s nothing here but hot singles in my area.” — Moira
  12. “But people love extreme vanity… and they love puppies!” — Alexis
  13. “Hashtag. Is that two words?” — Johnny
  14. “You smell very flammable right now.” — David to drunk Stevie
  15. “Do I wear my fringed vest? Or, more importantly, do I wear anything under it?” — Patrick
  16. “We’re drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic.” — Stevie
  17. Alexis: “What’s your favorite season?”

Moira: “Awards.”

  1. “You just watch a season of Girls and do the opposite of what they do.” — David on surviving in NYC
  2. “My name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school. Um, it’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like a ton of mushrooms.” — Alexis


  1. “I didn’t go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time!” — Alexis
  2. “Are we having a bad day, honey?” — Johnny to Moira
  3. “The internet is a breeding ground for freaks.” — David
  4. “Oh, in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct-taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head and then bringing them down really hard.” — Alexis
  5. David: “I got these at a showroom in Paris.”

Stevie: “I got these on a clearance rack at Target.”

  1. “OK, yeah, I still actually had a few more verses. And in the last verse, I really get to showcase my range.” — Alexis
  2. “I don’t know why you didn’t ask me first, David. I have my license in seven different countries and I have my “F” Class.” — Alexis
  3. “You’re not the only one with an online presence.” — Johnny
  4. “Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up.” — Moira
  5. “I have my own holiday tradition. It’s like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine.” — Stevie
  6. “I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early.” — David
  7. “I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year.” — David
  8. “You know what, David? You get murdered first for once.” — Alexis
  9. Johnny: “My son is pansexual.”

Roland: “I know what that is. That’s umm, that cookware fetish.”

  1. “No matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.” — David
  2. “Fall off a bridge, please.” — David to Alexis
  3. “My car’s worth less than your pants. Well, I’ve seen your car, and that makes sense to me.” — Alexis/David
  4. “You do realize I’m a professional vocalist?” — Moira
  5. “I’m positively bedeviled with meetings et cetera.” — Moira
  6. “I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People’s Choice Awards.” — Moira
  7. “This wine is awful. Get me another glass.” — Moira
  8. “You know, being approachable isn’t that important, anyway. The Queen hasn’t smiled since the ’70s, and her birthdays are still very well attended.” — David
  9. “If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it’s that a mother puts her own mask on first.” — Moira Rose
  10. “I have lost all my skills. And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless like you and your sister.” — Moira
  11. “Just think of them as tiny little roommates whose tiny little poops you get to clean up.” — Alexis
  12. “As if I didn’t see this coming. He’s broken up with me five times already. Like there was that time that he never met me in Rio. And remember that time when he gave me his ex-wife’s engagement ring? And then there was that time last summer when he left his molly in my glove compartment and then I got arrested.” — Alexis
  13. “Yeah, no. I know composting. Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.” — Alexis
  14. “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine.” — Alexis
  15. “Honestly, Twy? Ix-nay on the ong-say because I tried it once, and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands and he just started smashing it on the ground. Granted, I am tone deaf, and he was a super angry marine. But…” — Alexis
  16. “So this is weird. Today marks the longest relationship I’ve ever voluntarily had with someone. Yeah, the actual longest relationship was a three-month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.” — Alexis
  17. “I don’t skate through life. I walk through life… in really nice shoes.” — Alexis
  18. “Stop doing that with your face.” — Alexis
  19. “It’s a list of BuzzFeed’s most motivational quotes for girl bosses under thirty.” — Alexis
  20. “My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice. He could be the next mayor of this town if he wanted it.” — Roland
  21. David: “I never saw myself living with someone.”

Alexis: “That makes total sense, considering nobody you dated ever expressed any interest in that.”

  1. “He loves everyone. Men, women, women who become men, men who become women. I’m his father, and I always wanted his life to be easy. But, you know, just pick one gender, and maybe, maybe everything would’ve been less confusing.” — Johnny
  2. Roland: “Well, you know, Johnny, when it comes to matters of the heart, we can’t tell our kids who to love. Who said that?”

Johnny: “You did.”

  1. “I’d really like you to sing at my cousin’s funeral. She’s not dead, but she’s been coughing a lot lately.” — Roland
  2. “Where is bébé’s chamber?” — Moira
  3. “I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think I’m funny and smart and charming.” — Alexis
  4. “How mercurial is life. We all imagine being carried from the ashes by the goddess Artemis, and here I get a balatron from Barnum & Bailey.” — Moira
  5. “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.” — Alexis
  6. “Fear not, she hath risen!” — Moira
  7. “Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer.” — Johnny
  8. “I would be pleased to RSVP as pending.” — Moira
  9. “You might want to rethink the nightgown first. There’s a whole Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening. My best to Bob Cratchet.” — David
  10. “Allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, ‘Oh, I’m too spooky,’ or ‘Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies,’ but believe me: One day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, ‘Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!’” — Moira
  11. “Someone brought room temperature vodka.” — David
  12. “I don’t want this job.” — David
  13. “I like the wine, and not the label.” — David
  14. “OK, well, movies aren’t always right, all right? You’ll learn that later in life.” — David
  15. “I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.” — David
  16. “I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject, I mean genuine human emotion, so I am just going to tell you what I know.” — David
  17. “I am suffering romantically right now.” — David
  18. “Funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This is luxury.” — David
  19. “I’m sorry, but I know what looks correct. And this situation looks incorrect!” — David
  20. “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose Benefit for Juvenile Rhinoplasty when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet and puppeteer!” — Moira
  21. “He told me he doesn’t want my help, so I’m just going to play the supportive partner and watch him fail.” — David
  22. “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?” — Alexis
  23. “I’m a delightful half-half situation!” — David
  24. “It’s probably nothing, but I think I’ve killed a man!” — Moira
  25. “She sort of fades into the background after a while. You know, like a smoke alarm.” — David
  26. “Trust me, no one is thinking about you the way that you’re thinking about you.” — Alexis
  27. “I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here.” — David
  28. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use the word courage before outside of criticizing people’s style choices.” — Stevie
  29. “My car is worth less than your pants.” — Stevie
  30. Alexis: “You can trust me.”

David: “Can I? Because the last time I left you in charge of something…” Alexis: “OK, if this is about those stupid Tamagotchis.”

  1. “You must prepare for life, and whatever it will throw at you. The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger. Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You’re going to have a huge ass.” — Moira
  2. “I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It’s a new feeling for me, and I don’t find it at all pleasurable.” — Moira

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