61 Laugh-Out-Loud Schmidt Quotes For Die-Hard 'New Girl' Fans

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
schmidt quotes new girl
20th Century Fox Television

Like Sex And The City‘s Mr. Big, viewers didn’t know the full name of New Girl‘s best character until the series was wrapping up. It’s not a stretch to claim that Max Greenfield’s Schmidt had the absolute best lines of the entire series — Nick Miller is an obvious second. Brash, pushy, and the hilarious roommate in the loft, Schmidt was the classic hate-how-much-you-love-him character. Between his iconic punchline delivery and heartwarming devotion to Cece and his friends, Winston Saint-Marie Schmidt has wormed his way into our hearts forever.

And the best characters usually do. So whether you’re looking for the perfect Instagram caption, pop culture one-liners, or just want to go down New Girl memory lane, these iconic Schmidt quotes will have you laugh-crying along the way.

Looking for more quotes from your favorite TV shows? Check out our quotes pages from Seinfeld, Friends, Parks and Recreation, and more!


1. “Well, you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what? You’ve pressed it.”

2. “Judaism, son!” 3. “It’s like you’re ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga! I’m totally falling apart!” 4. “It makes me angry and scared all at the same time. Just like when I hear the phrase, ‘Academy Award winner Anna Paquin.’” 5. “Man to man, you didn’t wanna wear something, I dunno, a little more form-flattering? You know, like a pile of towels? The number eight?” 6. “You’re listening to the radio and writing with a pen. What decade are we in?” 7. “Walk with dignity, you giant toddler!” 8. “Youths!” 9. “Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people’s feelings? How do you get anything done?” 10. “I’m not being overdramatic when I say I would rather sit naked on a hot grill than wear something off the rack.” 11. “Can I take a moment to celebrate me?” 12. “It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner. Are you ok? Yeah. Are you ok? Yeah!” 13. “I’m gonna go take a shower with Nick’s bar of soap like a common ranch hand.” 14. “You are a gynecologist and a lesbian. This makes you a va-genius.” 15. “She has a flip phone, Jess. She’s either poor or a time traveler.” 16. “Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere.” 17. “Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons… I’m not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes.” 18. “I can’t talk right now. I’m writing a strongly worded e-mail to my florist.” 19. “I don’t have sperms. I have tadpoles… of the gods.” 20. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go water my succulents.” 21. “Without ash to rise from, the phoenix would just be a bird getting up.” 22. “The economy sucks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.” 23. “Now, as my best friend, I expect you to be willing to sacrifice everything for me at a moment’s notice including, of course, unfortunately for you, your dignity.” 24. “Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a slippery germ brick?” 25. “Let’s just say that my cousin doesn’t have the most sophisticated palate. Raised by wolf-like parents in the wilds of Minnesota. He actually went to juvie for stealing the synagogue’s minivan.” 26. “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost!” 27. “Where do you even buy sheets like this? They have the thread count of a paper towel.” 28. “They don’t hate me because I’m old, they hate me because of my personality.” 29. “Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I’ve got a twist ending for you: Shut up!” 30. “Is this a freakin’ carob chip? What, are you trying to buy our love with hippie chocolate?! Ya idiot.” 31. “Back in high school, they used to call me ‘the sex haver.’” 32. “Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.” 33. “Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this prison?” 34. “Outliers — you should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It’s one of my desert island books, along with Machiavelli’s The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season of Vampire Diaries.” 35. “Know this. Your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty and Paxil.” 36. “Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!” 37. “We’re broenemies. He’s my fremesis.” 38. “Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.” 39. “There are plenty of things to be down about. Air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn’t very good. If I wanted to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would have gone to Koreatown.” 40. “You ain’t ready for the California kid.” 41. “Paul Ryan 2020.” 42. “On paper, we’re as ugly as Winston’s belly button ring.” 43. “The on-suite is on fleek.” 44. “My whole life is you.” 45. “I know you’re a terrible liar, but I need you to lie to Cece.” 46. “Beans are nothing but soggy nuts!” 47. Nick: “What does a man do about that pain?” Schmidt: “Takes a bubble bath.” 48. “You show up sick, you might as well be dead.” 49. “She lulled me to sleep and then she went rogue.” 50. “Today it’s gas, tomorrow it’s the local news.” 51.”I look like a ’70s divorce attorney.” 52. Nick: “Of course we make decisions. How do you think I’m wearing clothes right now?” Schmidt: “I lay those out for you Nick.” 53. “I simply want a demographic breakdown of all the guys who hit on you.” 54. “I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night.'” 55. “I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.” 56. “I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.” 57. “Can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, ‘Look at that guy. He couldn’t even get a big cat.’” 58. “I’m really gonna need you to step it up tonight, OK? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, ‘Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?’” 59. “Where have you been? I am having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what, just driving around, French kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers?” 60. “When Nick leaves, I’m gonna call a plumber and just throw money at him while he works.” 61. “I get that. Your business is selling sex. You’re a sex worker.”

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