The Doctor Prescribes These 'Scrubs' Quotes And Moments To Tickle Your Funny Bone

by Laura Grainger
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scrubs quotes

NBC is home to many iconic comedies and sitcoms: Friends, The Office, Saturday Night Live, 30 Rock, and Parks and Recreation — the list goes on. Another staple of that list, Scrubs, first aired in 2001 — meaning it will turn 20 next year! Giving everyone in the aughts a much-needed break from the heaviness of medical dramas, the show brought a light-hearted touch to the hospital world on our TVs.

We’ve compiled a list of our favorite Scrubs quotes and moments to look back and laugh at. Featuring each of the hospital staff’s most memorable characters, this list is sure to give you a giggle.

Elliot: “‘Rate Dr. Reid’s butt?’… Yes! 9.2! Thank God this hospital’s full of white guys.”

Kelso: “Don’t be too pleased with that 9.2. That’s out of 100.”

“I don’t believe in the moon. I think it’s just the back of the sun.” – Janitor

“You know, Newbie, it’s so interesting — I found I couldn’t sleep last night, so, in order to pass the time, I started to make a list of things that annoy me more than you. Anyway, I came up with people who call Wednesdays ‘hump day’ and, of course, all Sandra Bullock movies.” – Dr. Cox

Carla: “Tell me my husband loves me more than he loves you.”

J.D: “It’s about the same.” Carla: “I’ll take it.”

“Sometimes in life when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind.” – J.D.

“Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring.” – Dr. Cox

“Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter cause I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all those mothers. That’s what ‘house call’ used to mean.” – Dr. Kelso

Date: “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you having a good time?”

J.D: “Actually, it is a roll of quarters. Laundry day!”

“Why do white people ruin everything? I only got to say ‘fo shizzle’ for a week.” – Turk

“My first patient today was a snot-nosed little punk who wouldn’t let me give him a rectal exam unless I said “pretty please” first, and… I’m not just big on begging strangers to stick my hand up their butt, not even in my private time.” – Dr. Cox


Patient: “Sure, he’s young, but he’s probably a very good doctor. Are you a good doctor?”

J.D: “It’s kinda too soon to tell.”

“Actually, it’s not a helmet. It’s a hair-met. It has extra room so you don’t mess up your hairdo.” – J.D.

“Either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.” – Dr. Cox

Carla: “I just want a baby so badly.”

Turk: “Why? What’s it going to be like, having a baby?” Carla: “Dr. Cox says it’s like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk.” Turk: “Awesome.”

“Some people just cannot take a good ‘your mom is dead’ joke.” – Elliot

“The truth is, it is all your memories, the joyful ones and the heartbreaking ones that make up who you are as a person.” – J.D.

“I don’t necessarily buy into all that New Age-y crap. I once saw my mom knock my dad unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? Kept right on going with my birthday party!” – Dr. Cox

Elliot: “You know I kinda had a date last night?”

J.D.: “Really?” Elliot: “Yeah, a guy on the bus fell asleep on me and drooled on my shoulder.” J.D.: “You slut.”

“I’m gonna write you a couple of prescriptions. You’ll find this first one is for an oversized mallet so you can pound some sense into yourself. This next one is for a big floppy hat that your now obligated to where every time you leave the house. Have a nice day, you look like a purse.” – Dr. Cox

“Okay, look, attention roof-poopers! Setting aside, for a moment, the fact that I’m going to make sure that you all live to regret this day, let’s keep the magic rolling. Let’s not tell anyone else that there’s a toilet on the roof…” (the Todd walks in) “There is not a toilet on the roof!” – Janitor

“Excuse me, I know what a restraining order is. You act like I’ve never dated.” – Harvey

Dr. Kelso: “I’m tired of patients complaining about being called dummos, tubbos, smokers and jamokers. Whatever the hell jamokers means.”

Dr. Cox: “I was actually saying ‘jokers’ and I had coffee cake in my mouth.”

“We can be sex buddies.” – Elliot

“Ah, back when I was a resident I remember…blah, blah, blah, nostalgic story. Now get the hell out of my office!” – Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: “So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I’m proud of her commitment to medicine.”

Carla: “It’s not like you haven’t had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife…” Dr. Cox: “Would you get off my ex-wife?” Carla: “I will if you will.”


Related: 50+ Hilarious And Absurd ‘New Girl’ Quotes To Share With Roommates

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