How To Initiate Sex Again After A Long Drought, Because We’ve All Been There

Work, kids, family obligations, running your household, a hobby if you’re lucky enough to have time for one — all of these things take time and energy. It’s enough to have you laid out on the couch, carcass style, at the end of a regular day. When something actually goes wrong, like the kids get sick or a work project keeps you at your desk late, it’s even harder to imagine getting it up at the end of the day. No matter how much you love your spouse, sex droughts come for everyone at some point (ahem, many points) throughout a relationship. If it’s been a while and you want to get back in the game, here’s how to reinitiate.

Even when you’ve been married for years, once you and your partner get in a routine of not having sex, it can feel awkward or strange to try and start it up again. It almost feels like you have to acknowledge the drought, and therefore the bad things that led up to it, or perhaps the parts you’ve both played in letting it drag on. It’s just a lot, but try not to blame yourself.

“Sex droughts are far more common than pop culture would have us believe. They're certainly nothing to be ashamed of, nor do they represent a ‘failure,’” says Angie Rowntree, ABS, board-certified sexologist and founder and filmmaker behind the award-winning ethical adult film site Sssh.com. “Life happens. Bodies get sick or injured, or may have different needs. Children are born and demand your time and care. Older parents may need care. Jobs might change. Any number of stresses and interruptions in your life can upend what was your regularly scheduled Saturday date night or sap you of the carefree mojo you’d usually bring to the bedroom. None of that is a shortcoming, or is anyone’s fault.”

Every couple is different in terms of how much sex is enough for them to feel happy with it, so remember that you don’t have to meet some made-up quota of intimate evenings per week. If you are ready to get back into the groove, though, here’s how to start.

First, initiating sex after a long break comes with natural stress and pressure. If it doesn’t land with your spouse, don’t let it get you down.

“Sometimes we need a little warm-up before we get back in the saddle, so to speak. Start small. Don’t hint with memes, but act. Physical touch and flirtation are things that ignite foreplay in the mind. Kiss for a little longer than usual before you leave. Send a suggestive text during the day. Get into bed and cuddle, but without immediately reaching below the belt. You’re essentially reminding each other that you still desire each other,” Rowntree says.

It’s also totally OK to address the elephant in the room, Rowntree says. Tell your partner, “I miss being close to you. Can we make some time tonight?” This way you’re giving them an invitation and creating a little anticipation all at once.

If you go for it and your partner turns you down, don’t turn a situational no into a personal one, says Rowntree.

“When they say, ‘Honey, I’m tired,’ it becomes, ‘You don’t turn me on anymore.’ The longer you’ve been together, the more history there can be attached to that moment. If one person is usually initiating sex, or usually declining it, those long-term behavior patterns can make a huge impact.”

If there’s longstanding angst in your relationship around who initiates and how often, that in and of itself can lead to more sex droughts. It’s something to have a “frank discussion” about, Rowntree advises. During that conversation, you want to figure out how to separate “I don’t want sex right now” from “I don’t want you.”

“You want to frame your communication in a way that maintains your partner’s desirability and your interest. For instance: ‘I’m exhausted tonight, but can we cuddle?’ or, ‘Why don’t I wake you up and we can take a shower together tomorrow morning before I have to go?’ The point is, you’re declining the timing, not rejecting your partner, or giving them any ambiguity about your attraction to them.”

If issues around initiating are keeping you two on a holding pattern sex-wise, again, talk about it. Find a time when you have privacy and are fully clothed so there’s no immediate pressure, and hash out the details of each other’s wants, needs, and preferences around initiating. Rowntree says you should ask each other:

• “What makes you feel wanted?”
• “What kind of approach actually gets you interested?”
• “Is there anything I do that accidentally turns initiation into pressure?”

Then, really listen.

“Sometimes it really is the little things that turn a ‘meh, maybe’ into a spark that goes all the way. Also, please stop feeling like you need elaborate Instagram-worthy seduction schemes. There’s no reason to overcomplicate basic human desire. Put on music and pour a drink together after work. Send a flirty text before you get home. Give them a lingering kiss in the kitchen that morning. Or just say, ‘Why don’t we go to bed early tonight? I’ve missed you.’”