85 Nick Miller Quotes All 'New Girl' Fanatics Should Know By Heart

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
nick miller quotes
20th Century Fox Television

Here’s a little quiz for you: Do you keep your unopened bills in a shoebox in the back of your deepest closet? Do you turn lemonade into lemons? Do you hate doors? Then you might just be Nick Miller, New Girl‘s resident kind-hearted bartender and socially-inept character. New Girl was a show that centered around a bunch of 30-something-year-olds who were hilarious, curious, and determined to figure out life and their -ish together. Among them, we met the lovable goof of the loft apartment he shares with Jess, Schmidt, and Winston. Nick sucks at DIY, saving money, and basic rules of hygiene. Oh, and he also doesn’t believe in dinosaurs. But he excels at sarcasm (hello, Chandler Bing!) and eventually finds his footing as a bestselling mystery novel writer. Played hilariously by Jake Johnson, Nick Miller quotes are some of the funniest jokes of the entire series.

And that’s precisely why we rounded up the very best ones just for your enjoyment. Keep reading for Nick Miller quotes you’ll want to borrow and use every single day.


Best Nick Miller Quotes

1. “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.”

2. “I’m not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65 percent beer.” 3. “I’d give you a hug, but my shirt smells pretty weird today.” 4. “You can’t just say ‘butt drinking’ and then not explain what that is. That is two of my four favorite things.” 5. “Pink robes are my catnip.” 6. “I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality.” 7. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch!” 8. “Sandwiches and sex!? I want that!” 9. “Nick Miller: Turning lemonade into lemons since 1981.” 10. “I’ve never been an inspiration before… I don’t like this much responsibility.” 11. “I moved to Los Angeles to get closer to whales so I could record them.” 12. “I really like when a rap song uses a choir. It makes me feel really happy with all those ladies’ voices coming and then the guy’s rapping. I think it’s awesome.” 13. “I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.” 14. “I refuse to pay for the weefee.” 15. “I want to go in my room and do weird stuff on my computer.” 16. “I know this isn’t gonna end well, but the middle part is gonna be awesome.” 17. “If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called ‘talkings.’” 18. “I’ve done things. I wrote half a book about zombies!” 19. “Writers don’t read. We write.” 20. “When I work out, which isn’t often, I listen to Huey Lewis because it pumps me up.” 21. “First order of business, we eat their food.” 22. “The sky’s too fickle. It’s a play-place for butterflies.” 23. “Do you know sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you way too long, they got too much on you. I want to have friends to still lie to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.” 24. “I only wanna make a drink a coal miner would want. Straight forward. Honest. Something that says, ‘I work in a hole.’” 25. “Is calling a girl ‘Shorty’ still cool?” 26. “What is money anyway? It’s just paper that some king on a mountain said was worth something. Gold, I understand; it’s shiny.” 27. “I’m not convinced I know how to read; I’ve just memorized a lot of words.” 28. “I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.” 29. “A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls.” 30. “No part of this conversation is making me wanna boil over with rage.” 31. “I don’t know what ‘mazel tov’ means, but it doesn’t sound good.” 32. “Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself… in any way.” 33. “I hate doors!” 34. “I like chipmunks more than squirrels.” 35. “I need to eat my way out of a sandwich house.” 36. “You’re a real sandwich lady, and I wanna scream your name across the ocean.” 37. “DeeDee? That’s not a name.” 38. “I don’t know if Hogwarts is near San Diego. I’ve never heard of it.” 39. “Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been there. OK. You’re always there. Even when I don’t want you there, you’re there. That’s what a husband does. You fight for me. That’s what a husband does. You care about what I eat. That’s what a husband does. You’ve cooked for me even when I don’t ask. That’s what a husband does. When I pass out you comb my hair so there’s no knots in it. That’s what a husband does. So guess what? You’re gonna be a great husband to Cece ’cause you’re a great husband to me.” 40. “If you were a hat, you’d be a top hat. But like a really big Monopoly one. And I say that with deepest compliments.” 41. “I bought 10,000 minutes in 1999 and I’m still using them.” 42. “Life sucks. Then it gets better. Then it sucks again.” 43. “It smells like leather and Teddy Roosevelt and wistfulness.” 44. “I’m like a mailman, but instead of mail, it’s hot sex that I deliver.” 45. “You’re a big girl, you can watch Walking Dead alone.” 46. “You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie.” 47. “Men don’t talk to people they’ve dated unless they want sex, or they’re Winston.” 48. “Twenty-year-old girls! They’re awesome! They don’t know what Saved by the Bell is, and they’ve never felt pain!” 49. Jess: “Nick, are you eating raisins from my purse? I confiscated those from a kid.” Nick: “That explains why they’re so sticky. Sticky Nicky eats anything and I don’t get sick.” 50. “Everybody has been flashed countless times, right?” 51. Winston: “Would you consider us adorable?” Nick: “No, we’re adult men. We’re cute.” 52. “I put on my special underwear because Jess is back because I made a promise I’d be wearing these when you came back.” 53. “Trust me, I’m wearing frozen underpants right now and I feel amazing.” 54. “I’m gonna grab some old underpants and put a pair into the freezer for each of you.” 55. Nick: “Of course we make decisions. How do you think I’m wearing clothes right now?” Schmidt: “I lay those out for you, Nick.” 56. “If I can’t have a kid with a woman, then maybe I’ll have one with my cousin.” 57. “I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door.” 58. Nick: “You’re a freaking gold digger, Jess!” Jess: “Do you think that if I were a gold digger, I’d be interested in you? I would be the worst gold digger in the world!” 59. “You’re a terrible person. It’s hilarious.” 60. “I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo, and I cried hysterically.” 61. “I’m perfectly fine to watch TV all day.” 62. “Adele’s amazing.” 63. “Leprechauns are real.” 64. “Nothing is ever truly broken.” 65. “Sucks for me!” 66. “I’ve got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms.” 67. “You can go to my funeral but you can’t talk. My funeral is my time to shine.” 68. “We can’t break up if I don’t hear you. No! La, la, la, la.” 69. “I’m your best friend. I was there for you when you fell off the deck at Chester’s graduation, and I’m here for you now. There’s nothing you could say that I’d get mad at.” 70. “Stop being so mean to me or I swear to God I’m gonna fall in love with you.” 71. “Where are you, Schmidt? This place is fancy, and I don’t know which fork to kill myself with.” 72. “Oh, hey, ladies, you guys want to see a grown man cry?” 73. “You’re allowed to be happy, but it’s really annoying the way you’re doing it.” 74. “How about this as a science project: Love is a myth.” 75. “You’re a whiskey girl, like me.” 76. “I look very handsome. I look like I’m on Miami Vice.” 77. “Guys, please let me hate myself and everything that I have created.” 78. “Twenty pages. And they’re all good! Some of them are good. Five pages are good. I really like the title.” 79. “I am the stupidest of all the stupid boys.” 80. “You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol.” 81. “I don’t deal with exes. They’re part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon.” 82. “I once had a bass teacher when I was younger who did the standing bass. He had a very weird smell, and I still think about it.” 83. “No, I don’t dance. I’m from the town in Footloose.” 84. “People don’t change. If someone’s broken, they just stay broken.” 85. “Freeze frame!”

Love these Nick Miller quotes? We’ve also gathered lines from some of your other favorite comedies: Seinfeld, Friends, Parks and Recreation, and more!

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