These Dad Jokes And Dad-Isms Are Way Too Real

by Scary Mommy Team
Originally Published: 

Ah, dad jokes. We don’t know what it is about them that unites all dads, but if there’s a bad joke or an animal pun to be made in any corner of the globe, there’s a dad to make it. And while touching quotes about fathers have their place and time, these dad jokes were designed to make any basic father and Homer Simpson among us feel like a stand up comic (and let’s be real, they don’t need much encouragement).

It’s safe to say we all have a love/hate relationship with dad jokes. Our own fathers drowned us in them as children and, for a while, they were the bee’s knees. Then as teenagers, we really wondered if there was something wrong with our dads. But now as adults, why do they make us chuckle? It’s simple — dad jokes were and will always be king.

And if you love dad jokes (or have a dad who loves to joke), we have a T-shirt just for him. Trust us, he’ll like it.

Dad jokes have earned a place in pop culture as of late, with young and old fathers alike reclaiming their right to tell cringe-worthy jokes. Bringing horror to the listener horror much to the dad’s delight. In these awful times, we can at least turn to these for a brief respite from the dumpster fire raging around us. And so, without further ado, check out our favorite dad jokes of all time.

The laughter doesn’t have to stop there! We have fun pages filled with doctor jokes, bar jokes, and more.

1. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste. 2. When dads say “long time no see!” when they see someone twice in one day.

00 Days Without a Dad Joke Candle

3. What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory. 4. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies.” 5. Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet. 6. My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’. 7. I talk to myself. Sometimes I just need expert advice. 8. What concert costs just 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback! 9. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?” 10. Don’t buy anything made with Velcro. It’s a total rip-off. 11. Where do horses live? In neigh-borhoods. 12. When dads say “Yeah, I think we’ll keep him” when some someone says their baby is cute. 13. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around. 14. I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. 15. What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey. 16. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! 17. What’s Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli. 18. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. 19. There is a fine line between numerator and denominator. 18. I tell dad jokes but I have no kids, I’m a faux pa. 20. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador. 21. What’s the most crunk place to go to the bathroom? The Lil’ Jon. 22. What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak-days. 23. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast! 24. If two vegans fight, is it still considered a beef? 25. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. 26. How do lawyers say goodbye? “We’ll be suing ya!” 27. What did the plumber say to the singer? “Nice pipes.” 28. I’ve been bored recently, so I’ve decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back. 29. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. 30. I invented a new word today: Plagiarism. 31. Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty. 32. Days who say “This builds character” are all dads, FYI.

33. Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants. 34. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. 35. What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder. 36. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. 37. What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? “Don’t wok away from me.” 38. What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish! 39. What did the buffalo say when his son left? “Bison!”

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40. I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless. 41. If the mushroom was such a fungi, why didn’t they have the party at his house? Because there wasn’t mushroom. 42. Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their buttquacks. 43. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine. 44. What’s an astronaut’s favorite part about the computer? The space bar on the keyboard. 45. This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there. 46. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down. 47. If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. They’re usually 90 degrees. 48. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired. 49. Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe. 50. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese. 51. What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European. 52. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire! 53. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them! 54. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear. 55. Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard. I just picked it up as I went along. 56. What did one eye say to the other eye? “Between you and me, something smells.” 57. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it! 58. Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it’s over your head. 59. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint. 60. I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it. 61. What did the hat say to the hat rack? “You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.” 62. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. 63. What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wreck. 64. Why do vampires seem sick? They’re always coffin. 65. Why did the cookie go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling crummy. 66. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together! 67. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up. 68. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish. 69. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well. 70. Did you hear the story about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed some space. 71. How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut. 72. What’s brown and sticky? A stick. 73. Why was the math textbook so sad?

It had so many problems!

74. Why was the broom late for work? It overswept. 75. Can February March? No, but April May! 76. I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust. 77. What kind of tea do you drink with the queen? Royal-tea. 78. “Dad, can you put the cat out?” “I didn’t know it was on fire.” 79. I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy. 80. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with. 81. What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream. 82. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case, he got a hole in one. 83. How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut. 84. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. 85. What’s an astronaut’s favorite part about a computer? The space bar. 86. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it. 87. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y. 88. Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients. 89. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frost bite. 90. I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs! 91. I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying. 92. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home. 93. I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed. 94. I thought about going on an all-almond diet, But that’s just nuts. 95. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. 96. Why did the tomato blush? He saw the salad dressing. 97. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad. 98. Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. 99. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So, I had to put my foot down! 100. Last year, I wrote a book on penguins. In retrospect, paper would have been easier. 101. So a vowel saves another vowel’s life. The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!” 102. Why are spiders so smart? They can find out anything on the web. 103. My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs. 104. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?! 105. What’s Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1 106. Five out of four people admit they’re bad with fractions. 107. Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school. 108. What does a baby computer call his father? Data 109. Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? To look for Pooh! 110. What’s the definition of surprise? A fart with a lump in it. 111. What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships. 109. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? “Where is Pop corn?!” 112. I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. 113. I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts. 114. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying. 115. What rock group has four men that don’t sing? Mount Rushmore. 116. When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. 117. A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, “How long have you suffered from that condition?” The guy tells him, “Since next Monday.” 118. What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got tiny legs! 119. Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case. 120. My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” And I told him, “No, it doesn’t!” 121. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised! 122. Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head! 123. When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, ” No, I’d rather drink it out of the carton!” 124. The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!

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