Naughty List or Nice List? Who cares! We’re all adults now and ready to cut loose and have a little fun for the remainder of the year. We want to read literotica, send those scandalous sexts, use those Christmas pick-up lines, stir up some scandal with dirty Santa gift ideas, and instigate some dirty truth or dare fun with our partners and friends. (OK, fine — it’s definitely the Naughty List for us.) First, though, we want to tell some truly bad and extra saucy knock-knock jokes and dirty Christmas jokes.
Before we do, though, suffice it to say that some of what you’re about to read may turn your cheeks redder than Rudolph’s nose. Blush away! When it’s cold outside, no one knows the difference between a face flush from feelings and a face flush from the frigid air. It’s really the best time of year to indulge in a little naughty fun if you think about it that way.
Of course, there are things that live in the dark corners of the internet that could land you on Santa’s naughty list for life. So, you may not want to go poking around too much. Luckily, we’ve gone ahead and rounded up some NSFW, adults-only zingers that’ll have you spit-laughing out that eggnog come the holidays. So relax, unwind, and, enjoy these dirty Christmas jokes responsibly.
Dirty Christmas Jokes Anyone on the Naughty List Will Love
1. What do snowmen use to make snowbabies?
2. What do a train set and your wife’s breasts have in common?
They were both made for kids but you can’t help playing with them.
3. How does Santa practice safe sex?
He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.
4. What do three ho’s get you?
One very jolly Santa.
5. Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.
6. How is Christmas just like any other day at the office?
You do a bunch of work and some guy in a suit gets all the credit.
7. Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the snow tickles their balls.
8. Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?
He only comes once a year.
9. What does The Grinch do with a baseball bat?
Hits a gnome and runs.
10. What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
11. What’s the most disappointing thing for a lover on Christmas morning?
When they get a sweater, but they’re hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
12. Why did the Snowman want a divorce?
Because his wife was a total flake.
13. Why did the Grinch hit up the liquor store?
He was desperate for some holiday spirit.
14. One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Claus wrote him back, “OK, please send me your mother.”
15. What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”
16. What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?
Whatever the hell you want. He can’t hear you.
17. I love this time of year.
You can slam your laptop shut when your partner walks into the room and you don’t get any disgusted looks.
18. Say your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas…
Can I visit between the holidays?
19. Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?
Cause she’s married to a guy who comes once a year.
20. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
21. As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”
I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”
22. Why are Christmas trees better than men?
Even the small ones give satisfaction.
23. Why does Santa always land on your roof?
Because he likes it on top.
24. Why is Santa so damn jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty women live.
25. Why was the snowman smiling?
He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
26. Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
He was obsessed with getting the cookie.
27. You know, that’s not a candy cane in my pocket…
I’m just THAT happy to see you.
28. Is your name Jingle Bells?
Cause you look ready to go all the way.
29. Are you Christmas? ‘Cause I wanna merry you!
Are you Hall? Cause I wanna deck the Hall.
30. What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
31. Wanna see the North Pole?
That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it…
32. What do you call Santa’s helpers?
33. What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?
34. Why does Santa always have a full sack?
Because he only comes once a year!
35. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?
They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.
36. What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa was smart enough to stop at three ho’s.
37. Dear Santa…
38. Little boy: Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother
Santa: Send me your mother
39. Santa saw your Instagram photos. You’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
40. Dear Santa, I would like a new birth suit this year. The old one is wrinkly and sagging. Thank you!
41. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
42. What do One Direction and my Christmas tree have in common?
They both have ornamental balls.
43. Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
To keep her off the North Pole.
44. What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and Santa?
A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.
45. Why does Santa Claus like to get naughty after coming down the chimney?
Because it soots him.
46. What happened when Mr. and Mrs. Claus got randy beneath the Christmas tree?
She came down with tinselitis!
47. Why was the elf having trouble with his libido?
He had low elf-esteem.
48. Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
49. What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…
50. The Santa at the shopping mall was quite surprised when he saw Martha, a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. We all know Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled at him very nicely and he ended up asking her what she wanted for Christmas.
“Something for my mother, please,” she replied. “Something for your mother? That’s very loving and thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What would you like me to bring her?” Emily answered quickly, “A son-in-law.”
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