The medical field in 2021 hasn’t been the most hopeful space this year, but if there’s anything that brightens a mood, it’s a corny joke. Besides being experts in medicine, doctors are also specialists of comfort, which means they always have the best jokes. The hospital can be a stressful place and it can be hard to stay positive, especially when you’re the sick one. Dealing with doctors is never especially fun, but these doctor jokes are!
It’s totally natural and understandable to be nervous before a doctor’s visit. So, what better way to relieve pre-appointment jitters than to browse some silly doctor jokes? After all, laughter is the best medicine. And as the world turns its attention during the COVID-19 pandemic to honor nurses, doctors, and other healthcare professionals, they may also need moments of levity in these dark times. With that in mind, we’ve gone ahead and rounded up the best jokes about doctors we could find. In full disclosure, a lot of these are goofy. Quite a few are downright corny. But — dare we say it? — they’re sure to tickle your funny bone while you wait to see a medical professional.
- “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course.” “Great! I never could before!”
- Knock, knock!
Who’s there? Colin who? Colin the doctor… I’m sick!
- Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?” Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”
- Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
- Patient: “Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?”
- Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.” Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.” Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?” Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
- Patient: “Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.”
Doctor: “How do you feel?” Patient: “A little down in the mouth.”
- A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
- Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?” Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”
- What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?
“Time to get your booster shot!”
- What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
“Get dressed up — the doctor is taking us out!”
- Patient: “I always see spots before my eyes.”
Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?” Patient: “Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.”
- Doctor: “Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed 10 quarters last night?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”
- Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
- Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Only if you aim it well enough.
- Why did the doctor tell the nurses to be quiet when walking past the medicine cabinet?
So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills!
- Why did the mattress go to the doctor?
It had spring fever.
- What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”
- Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s all right now!
- Doctor: “You are very sick.”
Patient: “Can I get a second opinion?” Doctor: “Yes, of course! You are very ugly too.”
- Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately?
The nearest golf course.
- Patient: “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.”
Doctor: “Sit down and don’t stir.”
- Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
He kept feeling jumpy.
- How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
- I went to the doctor, and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
- Patient: “Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!”
Doctor: “So why are you telling me?” Patient: “I can’t understand the writing. Was it you?”
- A doctor walks into a staff meeting with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. A nurse asks him why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
The doctor grabs the thermometer, looks at it, and exclaims, “Damn, some a**hole has my pen!”
- Why did the rope go to the doctor?
It had a knot in its stomach.
- Doctor, I’m hearing a ringing sound?
Then answer the phone.
- What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldn’t stop breaking wind?
- The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.” “OK,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
- Doctor’s son: “Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.”
Doctor’s father: “Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.”
- Secretary: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
- Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!”
Doctor: “When did that happen?” Patient: “When did what happen?”
- Why did the bucket go to the doctor?
He had a pail face.
- A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus that is extremely contagious!” “Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, Doctor?” “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.” “Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “No… but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
- Patient: “Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.”
Doctor: “You can pay by cash, check, or money order.”
- What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
- Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
He couldn’t stop coffin!
- When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
- Where do sick boats go to get healthy?
To the dock!
- The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.
- Why is a doctor always calm?
They have a lot of patients.
- I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
She told me to stop going to those places.
- Why did the robot go to the doctor?
She had a virus!
- Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!”
Doctor: “Try to block out the pain.”
- Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m going to die in 59 seconds!”
Doctor: “Hang on, I’ll be there in a minute.”
- A skeleton went to the doctor.
The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, “Aren’t you a little late?”
- What did the balloon say to the doctor?
“I feel light-headed.”
- I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”
- Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?
In case, she wanted to draw blood!
- Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
He had low elf esteem.
- Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
- Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!”
Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”
- Why do surgeons wear masks?
So no one will recognize them when they make a mistake.
- The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?”
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly. “Another doctor.”
- A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, “Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.” “But, I don’t have the fingers!” “Why didn’t you bring the fingers?!” asks the incredulous doctor. “Doc, I couldn’t pick them up.”
- Doctor: “What seems to be your trouble?”
Patient: “When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour?” Doctor: “Try getting up one hour later.”
- Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It thought it had a terminal illness.
- How did the doctor cure the invisible man?
He took him to the ICU.
- How do you know your doctor is a vampire?
He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!
- Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m addicted to brake fluid.”
Doctor: “Nonsense, man — you can stop anytime.”
- A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to.”
- Patient: “Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?”
Doctor: “Use a pencil until I come see him.”
- My doctor inquired if I was getting enough exercise. “Does sex count as exercise?” I asked. “Yes, it’s a very good form of exercise,” he replied. “Then the answer is no,” I said.
- Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
A cold never bothered her, anyway.
- A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor. So, the boy brought his teacher an apple every day.
- An old lady goes to the doctor. She mentions that no matter what when she farts, they are always silent and don’t smell. To illustrate her point, she lets one go.
Old lady: “See, Doctor, it was silent, and I don’t smell anything.” Doctor: “I see, I am going to give you a prescription, then I want you to come back in a week and see how you are progressing.” One week later, the old lady comes back. Old lady: “I don’t know what you gave me, doc, but now my farts smell horrible!” Doctor: “Great! Now that we fixed your sinuses, we can work on your hearing.”
- Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He wasn’t peeling well.
- Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into curtains.”
Doctor: “Pull yourself together!”
- A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
Man: “Will I be all right, doc?” Doctor: “You are in grave danger — Mercury is in Uranus.” Man: “I don’t buy into that astrology nonsense!” Doctor: “Neither do I. My thermometer broke.”
- The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office, having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”
- Why did the calendar have to visit the doctor?
It had a terrible year-ache.
- Two years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.
- Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?” Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”
- What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?
A pair o’ docs.
- Patient: “Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter.”
Doctor: “I’m so sorry; I don’t follow.”
- I still remember the day the doctor told me I was mute.
I had no words.
- Patient: “Will this ointment clear up my spots?”
Doctor: “I never make rash promises.”
- What’s the best place to hide from a doctor?
The apple orchard.
- Patient: “Doctor, I think I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”
Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.” Patient: “Will it make me better?” Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”
- A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has five penises.
The doctor says, “Five penises?! How do your pants fit?” The man replies, “Like a glove.”
- Patient: “Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.”
Doctor: “Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.”
- A woman went to her doctor’s office with a seemingly incurable case of hiccups. A new doctor examined her, and after a few minutes, she began to scream and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she explained, the older doctor went to the new doctor and said, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor smiled and said, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”
- Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.”
Doctor: “When did this start?” Patient: “Next Tuesday.”
- Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”
- Patient: “Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000. I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”
Doctor: “OK, then you have six months to live.”
- The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The patient said, “Give me the good news first.” “They’re going to name the disease after you.”
- Patient to friend: “I saw the doctor today about my loss of memory.”
Friend: “What did he say?” Patient: “He asked me to pay him in advance.”
- Doctor: “I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. We have to open you back up.”
Patient: “Are you kidding me?! Tell you what, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!”
- A bicycle rolls into the doctor’s office. It says, “Doc, you gotta help me! I can’t keep from yawning all day long.”
The doctor says, “Well, I think it’s because you’re two tired.”
- Receptionist: “The doctor is so funny; he’ll have you in stitches.”
Patient: “I hope not — I only came in for a checkup.”
- As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.”
“Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked. “No,” he said. “But it costs just as much.”
- I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.
- Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.”
Doctor: “Don’t get yourself in a stew.”
- Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant.
- A man goes into the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a watch. What should I do?”
“Take these pills,” says the doctor. “They should help you pass the time.”
- A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office.
“Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained. The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?” “After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.” “I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”
- A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.
“Nonsense,” scolded the doctor. “You wouldn’t know if you had that. With that particular disease, there’s no discomfort of any kind.” “Oh no!” gasped the patient. “Those are my symptoms exactly!”
- A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. The doctor asks, “How often do you pass gas?” and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour. The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, “What are you going to do with that, Doc?”
The doctor replies, “I’m going to open some windows.”
- How did you find that doctor was fake? She had good handwriting.
- Doctors ask you where it hurts, but then put pressure on it.
- My dermatologist was fired today.
I’m told he made too many rash decisions.
- A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.
Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.
- Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned!
- What did the judge say to the dentist?
“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”
- A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girl’s strange eating habits.
“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?” “Eventually,” said the doctor. “She will rise and shine.”
- Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
He was feeling all stuffed up!
- Did you hear the one about the germ?
Never mind; I don’t want to spread it around.
- Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
He was feeling really crumby.
- My ex got into a bad accident recently.
I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
- Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.
- Patient: “I’m starting to forget things, Doctor.”
Doctor: “Since when have you had this condition?” Patient: “What condition?”
- What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment.
- “I’m sorry,” said the doctor to his patient. “You have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”
“Will that cure me?” the patient asked. “Well, no,” the doctor replied, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”
- My kid’s pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late
He has very little patients.
- I’ve never vaccinated any of my kids.
I just pay the pediatrician to do it.
- Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian?
Apparently, it’s all about the delivery for some people.
- What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?
General Ken OB.
- I can’t believe I wanted to be an obstetrician.
I can’t even deliver a joke.
- “Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?” “Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
- “Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me — I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?” “Not really — I spill most of it!”
- Patient: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”
Doctor: “Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”
- Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”
Doc: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?” Patient: “Right around the entrance.” Doc: “As long as you call it an entrance, it will hurt.”
- A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms?” The man responds, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”
- Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news. You’ve got the flu and Alzheimer’s.”
Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have the flu.”
- Doctor: “You’re as healthy as a horse!”
Jimmy: “That’s great.” Doctor: “A horse with kidney stones.”
- Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”
Doctor: “Heh… not only from curiosity.”
- Doctor: “Quick, he’s losing a lot of blood. He needs an infusion — what’s his blood type?!”
Nurse: “B positive.” Doctor: “I’m trying, but he’s lost a lot of blood.”
- Doctor: “Want the good news or the bad news first?”
Patient: “Good news, please.” Doctor: “Well, they’re naming a disease after you.”
- Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.
- What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?
“Do you see any change in me?”
- Woman: “My husband swallowed an Aspirin by mistake. What should I do now?”
Doctor: “Give him a headache now; what else!”
- Me: “Aren’t you going to treat me?”
Doctor: “I am treating you.” Me: “You’re just staring at me.” Doc: “It’s called silent treatment.”
- Doctor: “I’m just waiting for your x-ray.”
Woman: “But I’ve never dated anyone named Ray.” Doctor: “Aaaaand we might do a brain scan.”
- I thought chiropractors were a big hoax.
But I stand corrected.
- What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?
♪ Shady’s back. ♪
- Knock, knock,
Who’s there? Minneapolis. Minneapolis who? Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away!
- Knock, knock,
Who’s there? 3:30. 3:30 who? I made a doctor’s appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in!
- Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm?
Because he found the x-ray humerus.
- Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?
The hip replacement guy.
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