45+ Funny Family Guy Quotes You'll Love (Even If You Hate Peter Griffin)

For more than two decades, millions of people have spent at least one night a week with the Griffin Family from Family Guy. They’re crass and sarcastic, mean, and often gross. Make no mistake — the Griffin Family may be animated, but they are not Disney characters. Their dynamic is nothing short of completely dysfunctional! The dad, Peter, is an idiot (#facts) and often only seems intelligent when it’s in comparison to his son, Chris. The baby, Stewie, is elitist and homicidal. And why? If anyone deserves to be full of rage, it’s daughter Meg. Every episode of the show, she’s dumped on and torn apart. The Griffin Family is honestly exhausting. And yet, perplexingly, we love them and routinely cite Family Guy quotes. What can we say? Humans are complex creatures.

It seems creator Seth MacFarlane will do absolutely anything for fun, and Family Guy is proof of just that. There have been plenty of cringe-worthy moments over the years. But for every truly socially awkward or offensive turn of events, we’re given an equally heartening chance to watch the characters grow — if only minutely and if only for an episode. Throughout its run, the show has delivered plenty of hiccup-inducing laughs. Maybe you need a little reminder, though. So, without further ado, it’s peanut butter jelly time. In other words, keep reading for some of the funniest Family Guy quotes.

Peter Griffin Quotes

1. “I guess we’ve learned that no matter who you are or where you come from, life is a terrible thing.”
2. “Brian, there’s a message in my alphabet [cereal]. It says ‘oooooo.’”
3. “Well, you guys, we did it. We finally went to a restaurant without somebody yelling at us and the rest of the place applauding them.”
4. “Oh jeez. This hangover’s killing me. I haven’t felt this crappy since the time I went to that museum.”
5. “Let’s go drink until we can’t feel feelings anymore.”
6. “What? Gosh, it’s not like the internet to go crazy about something small and stupid.”
7. “I got drunk and then got my picture taken. So that way, when I get pulled over for drunk driving I look the same as on my license.”
8. “I can be just as non-competitive as anybody. Matter of fact, I’m the most non-competitive. So, I win.”

Stewie Griffin Quotes

1. “There’s always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it’s not so much that I want to kill her, it’s just, I want her not to be alive anymore.”
2. “You know, I always thought I’d make a great Florida whore.”
3. (To Peter) “When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.”
4. “Brian, I think we can get John Mayer to stop tweeting again, but we all gotta work together.”
5. “Damn you, vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.”
6. (To Brian) “How does it feel to be the least cultured person at a bus station?”
7. “Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I’ll give you a hint. It’s in my diaper, and it’s not a toaster.”
8. “Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright brothers!”
9. “You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.”
10. “I love God. He’s so deliciously evil.”
11. “Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here!”

Lois Griffin Quotes

1. “Remember, if you screw this up, Mommy’s going to kill all of your toys.”
2. “So you can cook your own damned turkey, wrap your own damned presents — and while you’re at it, you can all ride a one-horse open sleigh to hell!”
3. (To Meg) “Sweetheart, we all know you don’t have any stuff to do.”
4. “Yes, Tina Fey, you’re better than Jesus.”
5. “Yeah, it’s every girl’s dream to have her husband hoisted out of a food truck in a horse harness.”
6. “Well, the best advice I can give is that you never know who’s gonna grow up to be famous, so just make yourself available.”
7. “Here’s a little tip: If your instinct tells ya to do somethin’, don’t do it. If your instinct tells ya not to do somethin’, it’s probably the right thing to do.”

Meg Griffin Quotes

1. “You can’t sell me, you fat son of a bitch!”
2. “You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.”
3. “Did I freakin’ stutter? I said, MORE SKITTLES!”
4. “Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don’t tell him I’m wrist-deep in poopy.”
5. “Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin?”

Chris Griffin Quotes

1. “That show just furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny!”
2. “What good is mining ‘nose gold’ if I can’t share it with the townspeople?”
3. “Hey Meg, I’m thinking of a word, and this time it’s definitely not ‘kitty.’ Can you guess?”
4. “Oh yeah? Well, you’re hogging all the UGLY!”
5. “There is a room, where you can go in and just get free people!”‘
6. “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re a dog, you don’t have a soul!”

Brian Griffin Quotes

1. “Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up?”
2. “Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?”
3. “Meg, you’re so beautiful on the inside… but it’s important that you know your limitations.”
4. “Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t nothing?”
5. “You know what, Stewie? If you don’t like it, go on the internet and complain.”
6. “Oh, just die already.”
7. “I’m not drunk! I just have speech impediment… and a stomach virus… and an inner ear infection.”
8. “We can make this work, like couples who meet on Craigslist.”
9. “I’m a bigger scumbag than Spock.”