Naughty List or Nice List? Who cares! We’re all adults now and ready to cut loose and have a little fun for the remainder of the year. We want to read literotica, send those scandalous sexts, use those Christmas pick-up lines, stir up some scandal with dirty Santa gift ideas, and instigate some dirty truth or dare fun with our partners and friends. (OK, fine — it’s definitely the Naughty List for us.) First, though, we want to tell some truly bad and extra saucy knock-knock jokes and dirty Christmas jokes.
Before we do, suffice it to say that some of what you’re about to read may turn your cheeks redder than Rudolph’s nose. Blush away! When it’s cold outside, no one knows the difference between a face flush from feelings and a face flush from the frigid air. It’s really the best time of year to indulge in a little naughty fun if you think about it that way.
Of course, there are things that live in the dark corners of the internet that could land you on Santa’s naughty list for life. So, you may not want to go poking around too much. Luckily, we’ve gone ahead and rounded up some NSFW, adults-only zingers that’ll have you spit-laughing out that eggnog come the holidays. So relax, unwind, and, enjoy these dirty Christmas jokes responsibly.
Dirty Christmas Jokes Anyone on the Naughty List Will Love
1. What do snowmen use to make snowbabies?
Snowballs, of course.
2. Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?
He only comes once a year, and it’s down the chimney.
3. What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”
4. You know what’s so great about this time of year?
You can slam your laptop shut when your partner walks into the room, and you don’t get any disgusted looks.
5. Say your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas…
Can I visit between the holidays?
6. As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”
I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”
7. Why are Christmas trees better than men?
Even the small ones give satisfaction.
8. Why does Santa always land on your roof?
Because he likes it on top.
9. Why was the snowman smiling?
He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
10. Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
He was obsessed with getting the cookie.
11. Is that a candy cane in your pocket?
Or are you just happy to see me?
12. Is your name Jingle Bells?
Cause you look ready to go all the way.
13. Wanna see the North Pole?
That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it…
14. What do you call Santa’s helpers?
15. What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?
16. Why does Santa always have a full sack?
Because he only comes once a year!
17. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.
18. Dear Santa…
19. Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
To keep her off the North Pole.
20. What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and Santa?
A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.
21. Why does Santa Claus like to get naughty after coming down the chimney?
Because it soots him.
22. What happened when Mr. and Mrs. Claus got randy beneath the Christmas tree?
She came down with tinselitis!
23. Why was the elf having trouble with his libido?
He had low elf-esteem.
24. What’s the most disappointing thing for a lover on Christmas morning?
When they get a sweater, but they’re hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
25. The Santa at the shopping mall was quite surprised when he saw Martha, a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. We all know Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled at him very nicely, and he ended up asking her what she wanted for Christmas.
“Something for my mother, please,” she replied. “Something for your mother? That’s very loving and thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What would you like me to bring her?” Emily answered quickly, “A son-in-law.”
26. Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.
27. What does a man who had a vasectomy have in common with a Christmas tree?
Their balls are both decorative.
28. Why is Christmas like an orgasm?
The closer it gets, the louder you get about its arrival.
29. What do you call a sex toy on a Christmas tree?
30. A wife walked in on her husband putting on a condom. “What are you doing?” she asked.
He replied, “Wrapping your Christmas present!”
31. What did Miss Piggy give Kermit for Christmas?
32. What do you call a Christmas sex toy drive?
Toys for Thots.
33. How would a sportscaster describe Frosty the Snowman’s lovemaking?
“Thumpity-thump-thump, thumpity-thump-thump, look at Frosty go!”
34. What happened when the Grinch tried Viagra?
He grew three sizes that day.
35. How does Santa practice safe sex?
He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.
36. Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the snow tickles their balls.
37. Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?
Cause she’s married to a guy who comes once a year.
38. What do you call a penis wearing a Santa hat?
Jolly Old Saint D*ck.
39. What makes Christmas such a great partner to Thanksgiving?
Christmas always comes after Thanksgiving.
40. Why does Santa’s crotch make noise when he walks?
He has jingle balls.
41. How can you tell if Santa and Mrs. Claus have been, ahem, passionate?
He has Claus marks on his back.
42. What does Santa say when he reaches climax?
“Oh, oh, OH!”
43. What do you call a crotchety old man who gets down with three ghosts on Christmas Eve?
44. Why does Mrs. Claus wish Santa Claus was like a stocking?
Because stockings are hung.
45. What’s more fun than a kiss under the mistletoe?
Unwrapping a package under the Christmas tree.
46. Who’s the friskiest reindeer?
47. How does Mrs. Claus make Santa feel better after a long night carrying so many heavy gifts?
She empties his sack.
48. Why did Frosty put his magic hat over his crotch?
He wanted it to come to life.
49. What do a train set and boobs have in common?
They were both made for kids, but dads can’t resist playing with them.
50. What do you call a penis too big to fit in a sock?
A stocking stuffer.
51. Why does Mrs. Claus call her lap the chimney?
So Santa will go down.
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