47 NSFW And Best Sex Jokes That Will Give You A Good Time

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
Sex jokes
Charles Deluvio/ Unsplash

Who doesn’t love a deliciously NSFW joke?! But did you know there’s a hierarchy to the filthiest of jokes? That’s right, the king of all dirty jokes are sex jokes, which run the gamut from masturbation quips to immature schoolyard jests about oral sex. Here’s the surprising thing: Sex jokes pop up (do ya see what we did there?) much more than you might think. You’re going to want to have a few raunchy zingers handy for the next random occasion you want to flex your naughty comedic chops. Also, let it be said that you don’t have to feel any shame for being here. We’re all adults, right? Sex is fun. Sex can also be funny. And it can be both of those things both in and out of the bedroom.

So, if you’re in the mood to laugh, these sex jokes and dirty riddles will keep you up all night — laughing. And while you’re at it, check out our dick, boob, fart, and poop jokes. For the record, we’re not all sex jokes and sayings. We have our fair share of lists of dad, mom, and straight-up cringe-worthy bad jokes, too.

  1. What did the clitoris say to the vulva?

“It’s all good in the hood!”

  1. What did the penis say to the vagina?

“Don’t make me cum in there!”

  1. Why did the dick go crazy?

Someone was messing with his head.

  1. What’s another name for a diaphragm?

A trampoline for dicks.

  1. What did the banana tell the vibrator?

You’re the one shaking? I’m about to get eaten!

  1. What does Popeye use as a lubricant?

Olive Oyl.

  1. Why is Santa’s sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

  1. What’s better than pansies on a piano?

Tulips on your organ!

  1. What did the penis say to the condom?

“Cover me, I’m going in.”

  1. Why is winning the lottery like having sex with triplets?

With both, you can say you’ve had six identical balls.

  1. What did Adam say to Eve?

“Stand back. I don’t know how big this thing’s gonna grow.”

  1. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

  1. My girlfriend told me she always smokes after sex.

I told her we should use some lube next time.

  1. What’s the one difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew the lightbulb.

  1. Why did Popeye punch the Pope?

He heard he went to Mount Olive.

Warner Bros. Television

  1. I just had sex in an elevator.

It was great on so many levels.

  1. What’s the speed limit in bed?

It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.

  1. What did the woman say when her boyfriend cried after sex?

“I had you pegged for someone else.”

  1. What do you get when you screw a textbook?

A D in math.

  1. My wife says if 1,000 people upvote this joke, she’ll try anal right then and there.

So don’t vote until Tuesday. She’s on a business trip.

  1. After a decade, the police are still in pursuit of the Viagra thief.

He’s just so hard to catch.

  1. Convincing my lover to take Viagra was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
  2. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.

  1. How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

  1. Everybody knows Eve wore a fig leaf. But what did Adam wear?

A hole in it!

  1. We’ve just gotten into Tantric sex…

It’s been a long time coming!

  1. What do bridge and sex have in common?

If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a really good hand!Related: These Insults And Funny Comebacks Are Golden

  1. Life is like a penis.

Often hard for no reason!

  1. Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

  1. How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?

They have a sex drive.

  1. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

The sex drive.

  1. I tried phone sex once…

But the holes were too small.

  1. My bae told me that sex is better on vacation.

It wasn’t the best postcard I’ve ever received.

  1. Boyfriend: “Want a quickie?”

Girlfriend: “As opposed to what?”

  1. What’s the difference between the G-spot and the female orgasm?

Men give up on both.

  1. What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?

A man will actually press the buttons and pull the knobs on a microwave.

  1. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

  1. Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

  1. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?

F*cking hot!

  1. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

“Hold on to your nuts; this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.”

  1. A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell scrotum?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night — it was on the tip of my tongue.”

  1. Guy walks into a bar, and another guy says, “I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?”

The other guy says, “I don’t know, what was her maiden name?”

  1. Two sex workers were on a street corner.

They started discussing business and one of the sex workers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other sex worker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”

  1. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

  1. A husband is supposed to make his wife’s panties wet, not her eyes.

A wife is supposed to make her husband’s dick hard, not his life.

  1. Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

  1. Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”

Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night.” Kid 1: “As if.” Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.” Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.” Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”

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