Admittedly, your period doesn’t exactly feel like a laughing matter when you’re in the middle of it. Your uterus being in the vice grip of the feminine mystique doesn’t exactly inspire giggle-fits — we get it. But you know how the saying goes, right? Ya gotta laugh to keep from crying. That’s where period jokes come in.
They’re a little cheeky and a lot of silly. OK, fine, so they can’t exactly comfort you like a heating pad and a pint of Rocky Road ice cream. Still, we’ve compiled enough period jokes to keep you preoccupied (and yes, even laughing) through at least a few hours of period misery. And if hormones have your chest aching too, have a light-hearted laugh over our jokes on boobs next.
Period Jokes That Make the Perfect Distraction
- Did you hear about the rapper who only battled when she was on her period?
They said she had a mean flow.
- Period: Guess who’s back… back again…
Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?
Period: I can come back in 9 months?
Me: Keep fucking singing.
- This whole period thing is really cramping my style.
- What kind of bikes do girls ride?
- Girl: Hey, Mother Nature! It’s been a while.
Mother Nature: UTERUS PUNCH!
- Knock, knock.
You bloody well know who I am.
- Periods help you learn how to get blood off things…
which is probably why you hear more stories of men caught for murder.
- A young woman steps into her local pharmacy to pick a supply of tampons for herself.
She goes to the aisle where they are located and sees they are priced at five boxes for one dollar. Thinking this is a misprint, she finds a clerk and asks if this can possibly be the correct price. The clerk replies, “Yes, it is the correct price. For one week only, you can purchase five boxes of tampons for one dollar, no strings attached.”
- In American Sign Language, the sign for having your period is basically punching yourself in the face…
That feels very accurate.
- Guess you could say people with irregular periods go with the flow.
- What is an ovary’s favorite type of TV show?
- Period: WAKE UP A**HOLE, YOU GOT CRAMPS.
Period: How bout an entire chocolate cake for breakfast?
Period: How’s that back pain? Feeling better? Let’s fix that.
Period: Find a cookie as big as a house and eat it.
Period: Where’s your Tic Tac box filled with ibuprofen?
Period: Got things to do? Don’t care. Sleep.
Period: For dinner, you’re eating an entire bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Period: Breeze blows by. Instantly horny.
Period: You didn’t like those brand new underwear right?
Period: Yell at a puppy.
- Uterus: I didn’t bleed all day yesterday — you should totally wear cute panties.
Also uterus: Surprise her.
- A woman’s period is like once a month her body accidentally hits caps lock on her emotions.
- Periods are so inconsistent.
Like, sometimes it’s a gentle creek.
Other times it’s like VACATE THE AREA IT’S A TSUNAMI.
- People who exercise in order to get rid of period cramps…
are the ones surviving the apocalypse.
- You know what my favorite mythical creatures are?
The happy girls in tampon commercials.
- Getting your period is like being attacked by a dementor.
You feel like you’ll never be happy again and only chocolate can make it better.
- Uterus: Oh, you have a completely full day of activity?
Uterus: And a sleepover afterward??
Uterus: Hardly any breaks??
Uterus: Wouldn’t it be a shame…
Uterus: if something were to…
- Me: *has pads/tampons ready and doesn’t wear anything that might show bloodstains*
Me: *has no supplies, has a full schedule, wearing light bottoms*
Period: LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUMBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
- Uterus: Your period is over now.
Uterus: JK, here’s some brown sludge.
- Woman: I’m having the worst period ever.
Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?
- They should put prizes inside tampon boxes.
Like, yeah, your period sucks, but here’s 50 percent off some ice cream.
- *When I’m on my period*
Me: Can you shut up.
- If you threw a tampon into a crowd of boys, they would freak out screaming.
It would be like in Monsters Inc. when George gets contaminated by the sock.
- Did you hear about the screening of that documentary movie on period jokes?
The audience gave it a standing ovulation.
- One time I panicked because I’d been on my period for 23 days…
But then I checked my calendar.
It had only been three hours.
- Me 80 percent of the time: *shows zero emotion, stone-cold, feels nothing*
Me on my period: “Why are you crying?” “I DON’T KNOW!”
- Me: *After an hour of excruciating cramps* “Ow, ow, ow, ow. OK, I think I can handle this level of pain.”
Uterus: “How about this?” *cranks up pain level by one million*
Me: “I hate you.”
- When you have period cramps but you haven’t actually started yet, it’s like your uterus is just humming the Jaws theme song.
- When you get out of the shower on your period, it’s a race between you, time, and gravity.
- What’s something you hate doing while on your period?
Coughing. Having to pee. Sneezing. Laughing. Sitting down. Lying down. Standing up. Going out. Breathing. Living.
- Why can’t periods just at for like an hour? Like, OK, you made your point — I’m not pregnant. You can leave now.