No matter how old you are, it’s hard not to be impressed by turtles. First of all, they’re super old. Like, been-around-as-long-as-dinosaurs old. (That’s around 200 million years old if you’re counting.) Second, they’re the original road-trippers, since no matter where they go, they always have their home with them. And that home — their shell — is part of their skeleton, containing more than 50 bones. A turtle’s shell is their home for life and grows with them as they spend time in both the water and on land, where they also lay their eggs. In addition to those fun facts, it’s easy to marvel over just how many turtle puns and jokes you can find crawling around the internet.
If knee-slappers about animals like otters, penguins, kangaroos, and camels leave you in stitches, well, get ready for more but-gusting hilarity (and, sure, cheesiness). Why? Because we’re here to bring you some laughs with an artfully curated collection of turt-ally awesome turtle jokes and puns.
Best Turtle Puns and Jokes
- What do you call a flying turtle?
- My pet turtle died.
I’m not upset, just shell-shocked.
- Where does a turtle go when it’s raining?
- What do you call a famous turtle?
- My friend and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
- How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
- What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
- What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
- What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
- What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
- What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
- What kind of photos do turtles take?
- Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
- Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.
- I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
- What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
- How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
- What do you call a turtle who is only awake at night?
- What does a turtle need to ride a bike?
- I went into a bookstore to ask if they had any books about turtles.
The cashier asked, “Hardback?” I said, “Yeah, and little heads!”
- My favorite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.
Strange name, but she tortoise well.
- What do you call a turtle with six feet?
A six-foot turtle!
- What’s a turtle’s favorite sandwich?
Seanut butter and jellyfish.
- What do you call a famous turtle?
- Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell block.
- Why is turtle wax so expensive?
Because their ears are so small.
- What does a turtle do on its birthday?
- Why can’t a turtle eat food from McDonald’s?
Because a turtle is too slow for fast food!
- What’s a turtle’s favorite game?
- Why do Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hate office work?
Because they can’t stand The Shredder.
- What’s green and goes click, click, click?
A ballpoint turtle.
- What’s a turtle’s go-to romantic move?
- What did the turtle say to the taco?
“My shell or yours?”
- How did the musician turtle get off his back?
He rocked, and he rolled.
- What type of turtles are easiest to spot?
Green “see” turtles.
- What do you need to do to buy a rare turtle?
You have to shell out a ton of money.
- What do you call a turtle with diarrhea?
- What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
- If a turtle loses its shell,
Is it naked or homeless?
- A big grey elephant was drinking out of a river when he saw a snapping turtle lying asleep on a log.
The elephant walks up to the turtle and kicks it over the river to the other side. “Why did you do that?” asked a nearby beaver. “I remember that this little thing took a bite out of me 50 years ago,” exclaimed the elephant. “Wowsers, that is some memory!” said the beaver. “Indeed,” said the elephant. “Turtle recall.”
- John: “What was the snapping turtle doing on the highway?”
Bob: “I don’t know.” John: “About one mile per hour.”
- Timmy the Turtle climbed up the tree and jumped off the branch. He waved his arms and legs are hard as he could, but Timmy hit the deck and began to bleed. He then climbed the tree again. Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Honey, I think it’s time we told Timmy that he’s adopted.”
- What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle’s back?
- What is a turtle’s favorite kind of sweater?
A turtle neck.
- What did the cow say to the turtle?
Get a mooove on.
- What kind of jokes do turtles tell?
- Where do you find a leg-less turtle?
Wherever you left it!
- What does a turtle dictator run?
A cruel turtle-itarian regime.
- What did the turtle say when the frog jumped out from behind a bush?
“Oh, you sturtled me!”
- What’s a turtle’s favorite Shakespearean line?
“Shell I compare thee to a summer’s day?”
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