14 Things That'll Actually Make You Want To Have Sex Again

There’s a particular kind of irony to motherhood: You can spend all day being climbed on, touched, grabbed at, and needed — only to crawl into bed next to a partner you genuinely love and feel approximately as horny as a throw pillow.

If that sounds familiar, know this: There’s nothing wrong with you, and your relationship isn’t doomed. (I swear.)

Yes, those beautiful children are a blessing. But they’re also kind of draining every last ounce of energy from your body like a literal parasite (said with love). The good news? There are ways to make desire feel a lot more accessible, and we’re not going to tell you that putting on lingerie or lighting a candle after surviving the circus from hell that is bedtime will solve your problems.

Below, we’ve tapped experts for the best products, tips, and tools that can actually help you reconnect with your body, your desire, and maybe even your sex life after having kids. Because sometimes it’s less about trying a new sex position and more about removing some of the biggest barriers standing between you and pleasure (and no, “getting eight uninterrupted hours of sleep” is not currently on the table).

Get Bloodwork Done Before Blaming Your Libido

Before you blame your libido, make sure something physical isn’t going on behind the scenes. Amanda Frick, SVP of Medical, Clinical, and Scientific Affairs at Thorne, says some of the most common nutrient deficiencies for moms include iron, vitamin D, B vitamins, omega-3s, and magnesium, all of which can tank your energy, mood, and overall well-being. So if you’re exhausted, foggy, irritable, and wondering why sex sounds about as appealing as assembling a toddler trampoline, ask your doctor to run bloodwork.

Read Something Sexy

For some moms, the fastest route back to desire starts in the brain, not the bedroom. Sex therapist and LELO sexpert, Laurie Mintz, PhD, says research shows that reading erotica can help turn women on, making it a great low-pressure way to reconnect with your sexuality, especially if jumping straight into physical intimacy feels like A LOT.

Whether that means devouring romance novels, downloading Kindle Unlimited, or finally giving that wildly unhinged BookTok smut recommendation a chance, a little fantasy can go a long way. Carve out some time to read before bed and who knows? You might find your libido didn’t need fixing at all; your brain just needed something other than to-do lists and laundry to obsess over.

Watch Something Sexy

Visual stimulation gets the job done faster than just about anything else, and Mintz says watching can be a straightforward way to spark arousal and give your mind a break from the endless mental tabs motherhood tends to keep open.

Now, that doesn’t have to mean jumping straight into porn (but zero shame if you do). Maybe it’s finally watching that sexy show everyone keeps talking about, revisiting a movie scene that always does it for you, or yes, exploring ethical porn made with female pleasure at the forefront. Sometimes you need to shove some sexy stimulus in front of your face (or, er, eyes) to snap yourself out of the snack requests, screen time limits, and tomorrow’s lunchboxes loop for five damn minutes.

Listen to Something Sexy

If reading or watching just feels like one more thing to squeeze onto your already-overflowing to-do list, audio erotica might be more your speed. Mintz says listening to erotica can help spark arousal by giving your brain something sexy to focus on, without requiring you to stare at a screen, flip a bunch of pages, or carve out a huge chunk of time.

Apps like Dipsea and Quinn offer sexy stories and guided audio designed to help ease you into the mood. And because it’s hands-free, you can listen while folding laundry, walking the dog, or hiding in the pantry for five minutes pretending you’re “looking for snacks.”

Don’t Underestimate What Good Lube Can Do

Let’s normalize something that should’ve been normalized a long time ago: Lube isn’t just for people having wild, acrobatic sex. It’s for anyone who wants sex to feel better — period. “The hormonal changes associated with lactation and menopause can produce decreased lubrication and even sexual pain,” says Mintz, which can make sex anywhere from mildly uncomfortable to downright painful.

That’s where a good lubricant comes in. Whether you prefer something silicone-based like Uberlube for extra glide or a water-based option that plays nicely with toys (more on this later), adding lube can reduce friction, increase comfort, and make it a whole lot easier to focus on pleasure instead of wondering why everything suddenly feels… sandpapery.

If Dryness Is the Problem, Try a Vaginal Moisturizer

Think of it this way: Lube helps in the moment, but a vaginal moisturizer helps address dryness between sexual encounters. So if things feel dry, irritated, or generally uncomfortable even when sex isn’t on the table, you may need more than just extra glide. Mintz recommends over-the-counter vaginal moisturizers like Revaree or Hyalo Gyn, both of which help restore moisture and improve comfort over time. And if dryness is severe or persistent, talk to your doctor.

Consider Pelvic Floor Support

If sex hurts, your body is probably not going to keep enthusiastically signing up for it, and honestly, fair enough. Frick notes that if pelvic floor symptoms, discomfort during intercourse, or persistent pain are part of the picture, working with a pelvic floor physical therapist can make a meaningful difference. Depending on your needs, tools like pelvic wands or dilator sets may also help with tension, pain, and mobility.

And FWIW, you never need to just grin and bear painful sex. Talk to your OB-GYN. Truly. Low libido, pain during sex, dryness, and body weirdness are all firmly in the “this is literally their job” category.

Reconnect With Your Body Through Solo Play

If it’s been a while since you’ve felt truly connected to your body outside of keeping tiny humans alive, masturbating can be a surprisingly helpful place to start. Mintz notes that some research shows self-pleasure can actually increase desire for partnered sex, since reconnecting with what feels good on your own can make intimacy feel a lot less intimidating.

The goal here isn’t to pressure yourself into having some life-changing orgasm every time you lock the bathroom door (but fingers crossed). It’s simply curiosity. Maybe that means trying a compact toy like LELO MIA 2 or LELO NEO 3, experimenting with a suction toy (the Sona 3 will change your life), or reaching for a mini vibrator. Think of it less as performance and more as giving yourself permission to explore pleasure in this version of your body.

Bring a Toy Into Partner Sex

Let’s retire the idea that bringing a vibrator into bed means something is wrong with your sex life. For many couples, it simply means working smarter, not harder. Mintz says women who incorporate vibrators into partner sex tend to be more satisfied and more orgasmic — which, frankly, tracks.

Try a couples toy like LELO TOR 3 or, honestly, just grab a classic wand vibrator and hold it where you want it. More pleasure doesn’t kill intimacy. If anything, it makes sex a lot easier to actually look forward to.

Buy Yourself Some Damn Privacy

Want to know what’s not sexy? The possibility of your toddler barging in mid-makeout asking for applesauce. Mintz notes that postpartum — whether it’s months or years post-birth — desire is closely tied to practical support, including help with childcare and household responsibilities — which means, yes, logistics matter more than we like to admit. And let’s be honest: Odds are none of us are getting enough help.

So buy yourself some privacy however you can, if you can. Hire a babysitter. Crank up a sound machine. Put a deadbolt on your bedroom door. Book a hotel room if you’re feeling ambitious, or burn a PTO day if you have to. Turns out, one of the hottest things on earth might just be a locked door or a “do not disturb” sign.

Do Something That Makes You Feel Like You Again

Motherhood can make it weirdly easy to stop feeling like a full person and start feeling like a 24/7 snack dispenser, chauffeur, and emotional support cardboard cutout. Healthy libido is often rooted in feeling comfortable and grounded in your body, Frick says, which is something that can feel frustratingly hard during the physical and emotional chaos of early motherhood.

Prioritize the everything shower. Put on the perfume you love. Climb into clean sheets. Throw on the robe or pajamas that make you feel expensive. You don’t need lingerie with a million straps and a crotch section that looks actively hostile to a postpartum vagina. You might just need to let someone else handle bedtime while you slap on a face mask every once in a while.

Stop Treating Sex Like a Race to Penetration

Here’s a wildly freeing thought: Penetration is optional. OPTIONAL! If P-in-V sex has started feeling stressful or weirdly high-pressure, taking it off the table altogether can make intimacy feel a whole lot less intimidating.

Mintz says many moms benefit from embracing responsive desire, meaning arousal often builds after touch begins, not before. So slow way down. Start with a massage. Make out like teenagers. Focus on touch, oral, manual stimulation, or literally anything that feels good. You can even say ahead of time that penetration isn’t happening so everyone’s on the same page, the pressure is off, and you’re free to explore other ways to feel good.

Talk About Sex Even If It Feels Awkward

Speaking of taking penetration off the table, talking about sex in general — ideally before it’s happening, or while it’s not happening — is kind of paramount. Mintz puts it simply: Couples who talk about sex have better sex. Open communication can help you and your partner navigate changing needs, shifting boundaries, and the very real ways parenthood can affect intimacy.

It can be as simple as saying, “I miss this part of us,” “I need more warm-up lately,” or “This actually felt really good.” And if starting that conversation feels painfully awkward, tools like intimacy card decks, couples conversation prompts, or even a shared journal can help break the ice.

Schedule Intimacy (Yes, Really)

I know, I know. Scheduling sex sounds about as sexy as scheduling a dentist appointment. Maybe worse, because at least at the dentist you can sit in a chair by yourself for a hot second. But Mintz says one of the most practical ways for moms to reconnect with desire is to stop waiting around for spontaneous horny-at-midnight magic and instead make intimacy fit the reality of this stage of life.

That might mean planning for a weekend nap window, blocking off an hour before school pickup, or simply not defaulting to the awkward “my partner clearly wants it, but I just need to sleep” song and dance when you’re both running on fumes. Take it from an exhausted mom who wants to pass TF out at 8pm: Lunchtime sex really does beat post-bedtime sex.

Your sex life after kids may look different than it did before, and that’s okay. Different doesn’t have to mean dead. It might just mean some dry-humping in the other room while a little bonus screen time buys you a few uninterrupted minutes.

Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer with a decade-long history of writing about things that she hopes her parents never read. You’ve probably seen her bylines in Cosmopolitan, Betches, Brides.com, Elite Daily, Women’s Health, Business Insider, and more. You’ve probably also seen her yelling at men on Threads. She has two kids, two dogs, and is pretty much always running at 2% (both on her phone and on her emotional reserves). Follow her on Instagram, X, Threads, and wherever else the kids are posting these days (@rachelvarina) so she gets more followers than that influencer her husband dated in high school.