Scary Mommy http://www.scarymommy.com A parenting website for imperfect parents Sat, 28 Feb 2015 12:52:05 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0.1 7 Things First Time Moms Wish Veteran Moms Wouldn’t Sayhttp://www.scarymommy.com/things-first-time-moms-wish-veteran-moms-wouldnt-say/ http://www.scarymommy.com/things-first-time-moms-wish-veteran-moms-wouldnt-say/#comments Sat, 28 Feb 2015 12:30:39 +0000 http://www.scarymommy.com/?p=64294 Image via Shutterstock Not all of us can claim the title of second (or third, or fourth, etc) time mom. But if you’re a mom at all, you can definitely say you’ve been a first-time mom. Part of being in this category means you receive a ton of advice. From moms of babies that are […]

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Not all of us can claim the title of second (or third, or fourth, etc) time mom. But if you’re a mom at all, you can definitely say you’ve been a first-time mom. Part of being in this category means you receive a ton of advice. From moms of babies that are one month older than yours, to moms with five kids grown and living on their own – giving advice to the doe-eyed, first-timer is just what another mom does.

But as my belly gets bigger with a baby that will soon knock my only-child from his throne, one of the things I’m trying to remember is how exactly to encourage the first-time mom who is deep in the trenches. In light of that, here are a handful of things I think we as first-time moms can all agree we wish those veteran mommas would refrain from saying to us – or at least, learn to say differently.

1. “Don’t worry about it!” There’s a difference between brushing aside a new mom’s worries because you’ve been there and you know that a newborn cluster feeding from 9 p.m. to Midnight is normal; and truly listening and relating to a mom who thinks her milk supply must be dropping and her child isn’t getting enough food so apparently they’re eating for hours on end every night. Empathize with her, and let her know you get it – that her worry is totally normal, and give her concrete reasons behind why it’s not a legitimate fear. Remember when you were there? Remember how real that fear was? Remember the tears, the anxiety, the late-night Googling, the totally-confused-and-helpless husband? That’s where she’s at. Validate those feelings with everything you’ve got.

2. “Try doing it with a toddler running around your feet!” This is essentially one-upping another mom – akin to bragging about how your husband bought you diamond earrings for a push present when her husband completely forgot that was a thing. Ain’t nobody wanna hear about that. Being a first-time mom is tough, and there’s a reason you (usually) start with just one child. Momma’s need to be eased into this motherhood gig and I’m willing to bet that if your first-time-mom-self could hear you now, she’d roll her eyes.

We get it, making dinner while a newborn cries in the sling shouldn’t be that tough for us, but right now it is. We’ll learn to not let those cries affect us too much in the future, but for now, it’s all we hear and it’s pretty dang hard on our hearts. So please, keep your mom-skillz to yourself for now and just tell me I’m doing an outstanding job.

3. “You don’t want your child to roll over/crawl/walk! Enjoy it while you can!” This one always befuddles me. I mean, I could be wrong, but I thought as a mom you’re supposed to want your child to develop normally and reach milestones and – I don’t know – actually grow up to be a functioning human being some day. As a first-time mom, that kid is all I’ve got. I may change my mind when I’ve got 2+ running around my ankles, but for now, let me revel in the fact that my kid just crawled across the living room. It’s a big moment for my kid, but it’s a big moment for me too.

I know, I know – it means I have to get outta my chair and save my child from life-threatening stair-falls more often, but isn’t that part of my job description? You can laugh at me and say “I told you so,” when I have my second and I’m desperately trying to enjoy the last few days of having a non-mobile child, but for now, try to just share in my joy as I freak out over the fact that my child just took his first steps.

4. “Enjoy every moment, it goes by so fast!” This one usually comes from the moms that have been out of the day-to-day trenches of motherhood for a bit. And we do know what you mean, and it’s all well and good, but sometimes, the fact that we probably heard that exact line 10 times in one trip to Target while our child screamed in our arms and pulled all the cake mix boxes off the shelf because they’re just. so. curious. makes that line grate on our nerves a bit. Maybe try just telling us that we’re doing okay, and we’re gonna make it. That someday, that little boy I’m carrying on my hip will be big enough to actually make that box of cake mix he just knocked off the shelves for my 40th birthday – and it’s okay to not relish in this particular moment – as long as you take time to remember the good ones.

5. “Just Wait.” “You think this is bad? Just wait until they’re talking and have opinions!” “Just wait until they become crazy, hormonal teenagers!” “Just wait until you have two to juggle, you’ll never leave the house!” I get it, parenting is hard, it’s hard when they’re a newborn and it’s hard when they’re rebelling as a teen. Different kinds of hard, but hard none-the-less. But these comments do nothing but serve me a big ol’ dish of doubt as to why I ever even had children.

Instead, tell me about the good times, tell me that if I think this stage is good, then oh man, am I ever going to love it as they get older. Tell me about how your kids make you happy, how much joy they give you and how it’s only gonna get better. Because I know you love your kids and there were good things happening as they grew up in your house. Help me to look forward to the road ahead – not dread it.

6. “I just wonder if your opinions will change when you have a second…” Let’s be honest, they probably will. In fact, I hope they will. That’s part of life. But right now, my reality is one child. It’s my world. I know nothing different, and while there are so many good things that I know I can (and will) learn from veteran moms, this one makes me feel pretty inferior. It’s like a passive-aggressive way of saying that I’m ignorant and wrong – and I might be – but I almost wish you would just say that instead.

7. “If your first is good, just wait till your second, then you’ll pay!” I hear this one a lot. My son is a good sleeper, and I totally know it’s one-part sleep training, two parts just having a child that loves his sleep. But telling me that there’s no way my next will be similar 1) demeans any little bit of work I did with sleep training, and sorta hurts my pride – but more importantly, 2) makes me scared-spitless of having a second because apparently they are destined to be a wild, insomnious terror that will make me pay for any good deed of my first’s.

No one can predict the future, so please don’t give me needless worry. I prefer to live in the land of puppies and rainbows until my reality-check actually arrives.

No matter how many seats you have filled in the mini-van, we all know parenting is hard. It’s complicated, ever-changing, life-giving and heart-breaking. Just as the number of children you call yours changes, so do your realities, thoughts, worries, hopes and dreams. As moms to just one, we know we have LOTS to learn, and we’re looking to you veteran moms to guide the way. But please, don’t demean our efforts with flippant comments. We know you don’t mean to hurt us and sometimes, we probably do sound pretty whiny and ignorant to you – but please, remember you were here before.

You were that worried, scared, low-capacity, bright-eyed, positive – sometimes prideful – and likely totally ignorant, first-time mom once too. You know first-hand what a joy parenting beyond the newborn stage can be. And so instead of saying all that other stuff, just remind us of that joy. Remember what it was like.

Remember, you were us once.

Related post: 10 Commandments for Visiting New Moms

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15 Excuses For Why I Haven’t Worked Outhttp://www.scarymommy.com/15-excuses-for-why-i-havent-worked-out/ http://www.scarymommy.com/15-excuses-for-why-i-havent-worked-out/#comments Sat, 28 Feb 2015 00:15:43 +0000 http://www.scarymommy.com/?p=64765 Image via Shutterstock The population is split into four different categories of people when it comes to the subject of working out: 1. They love working out. 2. They don’t like working out but they do it because they know it’s good for them. 3. They hate working out and make up a lot of […]

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The population is split into four different categories of people when it comes to the subject of working out:

1. They love working out.
2. They don’t like working out but they do it because they know it’s good for them.
3. They hate working out and make up a lot of excuses for not doing it.
4. They hate working out, they don’t do it, and they feel zero remorse for their decision.

I wish I could be in category one or two. Heck, I even wish I could be in category four and just not give a hoot. But I do give a hoot. A small hoot. A hoot so tiny that it keeps in category three.

I want to workout. I think about working out. I look at my shelf full of DVDs plastered with pictures of gorgeous (airbrushed) people with ripped abs and tight booties and think, “Yeah! I wanna look like that!” Then I pull out my phone and eat a doughnut.

If you’re in the same boat as me but you’re running low on excuses to give others (or yourself) as to why you’re not getting your sweat on, I’ve provided 15 reasons you haven’t worked out to keep in mind for easy use.

You’re welcome.

1. The exercise machines at the gym are scary. I’m positive the essence of most workout equipment spawns from the torture device used on Wesley in the Pit of Despair in the cult-classic The Princess Bride. All those bars and pulleys and levers and weights. There’s something diabolical within all of them.

2. I don’t have any workout clothes. Ever since birthing two former wombmates in less than a year, my body is all out of whack. My fat and muscle (hahahaha) have relocated to different parts of my body and what I used to wear no longer fits. So that means I have to buy new workout clothes which just seems like a daunting task with two toddlers in tow. Although the gym is right next to Target…

3. I’m too tired. Kids are crazy energetic, off the hook needy, and they suck the life energy right out of me all day every day. I barely have the strength to raise my fork full of chocolate cake to my lips at night let alone lunging and squatting and planking and heavy breathing.

4. I cannot possibly get up any earlier than I already do. Nope. Not gonna happen. The baby monitor is my alarm clock and it goes off before most people even enter REM sleep. And that’s after seventy-four wake ups due to teething, colds, potty needs, bad dreams, and the desire to party at all hours. I am not waking up before I have to.

5. I ordered a new workout DVD but accidentally sent it to an apartment I haven’t lived in in years. That has to be a sign from the universe that me and jazzercise simply cannot be friends.

6. After working out at home, I’m so red and splotchy and frazzled that I look like Gary Busey and Elmo had a love child. I can’t go out into public for like that for several hours and therefore cannot commit to working out because what if I absolutely have to leave the house? A Starbucks shortage may ensue and I’ll have to leave immediately to stock up.

7. While doing jumping jacks, my belly fat jiggles which makes me giggle. And then I can’t stop giggling. It’s hard enough to catch my breath exercising as it is; laughing while trying to workout is practically impossible.

8. My kids used up all my deodorant in order to decorate the windows. I’m kind enough not to subject others to my stank, and now I have to clean my windows.

9. I’d have to take a shower. I can barely get a shower on days where I don’t do anything. I can’t guarantee anything concerning my hygiene. (See deodorant excuse above.)

10. I just ate and I’ve read that working out on a full stomach can cause the plague or something.

11. I need to eat first, and then I’ll be too full to workout, and then I’ll have to clean the kitchen, and then…

12. My hair constantly gets in my face. My solution was to get a new haircut, so I looked on Pinterest and, well, there went four hours of my life I’ll never get back.

13. I think I’m getting sick and I need to conserve all of my energy just in case.

14. I just got over being sick and I don’t wanna push myself too hard.

15. I actually packed up the kids, drove to the gym, and there were no parking spots. There were parking spots across the street at Target, though, which means I did get around to buying new workout clothes. All in all, today was a success.

Related post: The 10 People You Meet At Every Group Exercise Class

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Why It’s Not Unfair That I Have Cancerhttp://www.scarymommy.com/why-its-not-unfair-that-i-have-cancer/ http://www.scarymommy.com/why-its-not-unfair-that-i-have-cancer/#comments Fri, 27 Feb 2015 18:58:24 +0000 http://www.scarymommy.com/?p=64642 Found a lump. Wasn’t worried because I had a cyst last year in a similar spot that was totally benign. Called doctor. Made appointment. Saw nurse practitioner at my OBGYN’s office. She said it felt like the same cyst, didn’t feel malignant, and that I could just wait and watch it for 3-6 months. I […]

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not-fair

Found a lump.

Wasn’t worried because I had a cyst last year in a similar spot that was totally benign.

Called doctor.

Made appointment.

Saw nurse practitioner at my OBGYN’s office. She said it felt like the same cyst, didn’t feel malignant, and that I could just wait and watch it for 3-6 months. I said, no. Asked for an ultrasound.

Thank God.

Ultrasound revealed two spots of concern.

Scheduled biopsy.

Had biopsy. (They struggled to get my boob numb, so I had the pleasure of feeling the needle.)

They said it looked benign. Reassured me that 90% of the lumps they biopsy in women my age are benign.

I felt relieved. Joel felt relieved.

Next day went shopping. Got home. Got phone call.

One spot was a benign fibroid. The other one invasive ductal carcinoma.

That was the day before Thanksgiving.

I will remember that phone call for the rest of my life. Joel had his face pressed against mine, and we listened together to the devastating news. I called my mom first and told her it was cancer. I remember telling her I was so sorry. Watching my family deal with the news has been so hard. I feel like I have stolen some of their happiness, too. My dad came to get the boys so they wouldn’t have to see us fall apart. Joel and I just held each other and cried. And vowed to him that I would not leave him.

That was one shitty day.

I’ve had a few moments of “this isn’t fair”. But really – it is. My life has been beyond blessed. I am always saying, “Something has to go wrong. This is just too good.”

I grew up with a loving family. With parents who have always put my brother and I first. Parents who are silly, generous, honest, open, and know just what I need right when I need it. Parents who make me feel like I am the center of their world, and a brother who is beyond loyal. I’ve never had one need that was not met. I went to great schools, got a fantastic education, and have been provided with every possible opportunity to learn, explore, and grow. I’ve traveled internationally, made connections with people from all different walks of life, and been loved by people who have never asked me to be anything more than me. I fell in love with my soul-mate. I have a job that I would probably do even if I wasn’t paid. I see God where some see darkness. I feel happy 98% of the time. I dream big, and don’t feel scared to risk. I’ve run great distances and written poems that make me proud. I live in a house that feels like a home. I have neighbors who drink wine with me in the middle of day and bring me meals for no reason. I have friends who are selfless and remind me how to be silly. Most importantly I have given birth to two boys who are so magical. They have changed me forever, and make me feel loved and special every single day. I have had an amazing life.

Working with at-risk youth shows you firsthand what unfair looks like. Unfair is being treated differently because of your skin color, dress, or sexual orientation. Unfair is being sexually abused by your mom’s boyfriends, being beaten by strangers, and not having food in your refrigerator. I know what unfair looks like.

I have cancer and it fucking sucks. It really fucking sucks. But it is not unfair. It is part of life. Part of my life. But I have everything I need to beat it: the best medical team, the most amazing support system, health insurance, and the will to get through it.

And I will.

Related post: What I Know About Heaven And Hell

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Baby Beer Bottle Is The Perfect Gift For Uptight Parentshttp://www.scarymommy.com/baby-beer-bottle/ http://www.scarymommy.com/baby-beer-bottle/#respond Fri, 27 Feb 2015 16:30:32 +0000 http://www.scarymommy.com/?p=65199 Not getting nearly enough dirty looks from the general public when out and about with your baby? Dying for a home visit from CPS? Looking for the perfect gift for uptight, first-time parents? This baby beer bottle was made for you. BPA-free and phthalate-free, you’re guaranteed to be the talk of the town while your baby obliviously chugs away. So, crack […]

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Not getting nearly enough dirty looks from the general public when out and about with your baby? Dying for a home visit from CPS? Looking for the perfect gift for uptight, first-time parents?

This baby beer bottle was made for you.

5148095BPA-free and phthalate-free, you’re guaranteed to be the talk of the town while your baby obliviously chugs away. So, crack one open for yourself while you prepare for the backlash. Because it’s coming. In one, two…

 

B-4HIcdUIAEqE4b

Available soon from fredandfriends.com.

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Using Pets to Prepare for Parenthood in 78 Simple Stepshttp://www.scarymommy.com/using-pets-to-prepare-for-parenthood/ http://www.scarymommy.com/using-pets-to-prepare-for-parenthood/#comments Fri, 27 Feb 2015 16:00:00 +0000 http://www.scarymommy.com/?p=65092 Image via Shutterstock Many well-intentioned people get pets because they think it’s going to prepare them for parenthood. I was one of them. The problem isn’t so much that pets can’t prepare you for being a parent. Rather, it’s more of a problem of how most people parent their pets that ill-prepares them for parenting […]

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dog-ready-for-walkImage via Shutterstock

Many well-intentioned people get pets because they think it’s going to prepare them for parenthood. I was one of them. The problem isn’t so much that pets can’t prepare you for being a parent. Rather, it’s more of a problem of how most people parent their pets that ill-prepares them for parenting humans. I don’t want to poo all over your dreams, so I’m going to give you some practical advice on how exactly pets can prepare you to rear children.

1. Get at least one dog and one cat. If you want a bigger family, add more of either type of pet. This will simulate having children of different personalities, motivations, and capabilities. Bonus points if they fight like cats and dogs. Pun intended.

2. Smear the cat’s ass with chunky peanut butter (This will be important later).

3. Put a diaper on the cat.

4. Put the cat in a onesie, pants, socks, and a hat.

5. Take the dog out to go potty. Bring the cat with you. You can’t leave kids unattended! The dog says he doesn’t have to poop. He swears.

6. Time to dress the dog! He needs a shirt, pants, socks, and shoes.

7. The dog is insisting, “I do it myself!” so you have to let your dog at least try to tie his own shoes.

8. Get frustrated and try to tie your dog’s shoes. He goes catatonic (haha!) and refuses to wear shoes. You’re late.

9. Find the cat! Where the eff did the cat run off to while you were wresting your dog into shoes!?!

10. The cat has knocked the fish bowl over and is trying to eat the fish. Remove the fish from your cat’s paws.

11. Your dog’s goldfish is dead. Your dog saw the whole thing and is whimpering for you to make the fish all better with big sad puppy-dog eyes (again, pun intended). Put the dead goldfish back into the bowl. Refill the water. Lie to the dog and tell him the goldfish is just sleeping. Text your spouse, “Come home with a goldfish that is an EXACT replica of Bubbles. ONLY AN EXACT REPLICA WILL SUFFICE.”

12. Bathe and change the cat who is covered in goldfish sewage (You haven’t changed the goldfish’s water in 3 months. How has that goldfish survived up until now?!).

13. Oh, gross. There’s chunky peanut butter all over the cat’s ass. Don’t act disgusted or upset. You don’t want to scar your cat for life. Paste a smile on and start scraping the peanut butter off of the cat.

14. Bathe the cat.

15. While you were trying to get the cat into the bath, your dog stripped naked and hopped into the tub.

16. Bathe the cat and the dog.

17. The dog pooped in the tub.

18. Pull the wet, sudsy cat and dog out of the tub before the turd touches either.

19. Get the fish net, fish out the turd, and flush it while holding a wet, screaming, sudsy cat.

20. Put the cat and dog in the bath in a different bathroom and finish bathing.

21. Redress the cat and the dog. While you were dressing the dog, the cat unrolled all the toilet paper and ate an undetermined amount of it.

22. The cat and the dog are hungry. Make the dog an organic bento box with fresh vegetables and homemade hummus while you breastfeed the cat.

23. Leave the mess for your spouse to clean up.

24. Put the cat and the dog into their respective car seats. Pull out of the garage and start your exciting day trip to the beach!

25. Alternate playing dogs barking Christmas carols and cats meowing Disney hits.

26. Stop at the store to pick up some essentials.

27. The dog has fallen asleep. The cat has thrown up all over himself. Clean up the cat. Wake up the dog and put him, now grumpy, into the cart.

28. Put the cat into the cart. The dog doesn’t want to share his leg hole with the cat. He spends the whole shopping trip crying. The cat scratches him. He tantrums while you’re in the sunblock aisle.

29. Check out. Do not let your dog eat any of the candy. Do not let your cat knock any of the candy off the shelves.

30. Pay for the candy your dog ate. Apologize for your cat knocking off all of the candy on the shelves.

31. Get back into the car. Turn on static so your dog and cat take a nap on the way to the beach.

32. Listen to static the WHOLE GODDAMNED DRIVE.

33. You’ve made it to the beach! Now, park. The dog and cat are still asleep. Sit in the car still listening to static waiting for the dog and cat to wake up.

34. They’re awake! Put your kids into the stroller. Stuff the stroller with your blanket, beach bag and towels. Carry the cooler and umbrella. Do not hit anyone while walking to the beach.

35. Apologize for hitting someone with the umbrella, another for hitting her with the cooler, and an elderly couple for running into them with your stroller. Find a spot and get comfortable.

36. Spray the dog with sunblock. Do not let him run into the water. Also, you’ll be judged harshly if your child is leashed so you have to let your dog be free range.

37. Put the thick, pasty baby sunblock on the cat.

38. Take the dog and cat to the water. Make sure the dog doesn’t drown while keeping the cat out of the water. The cat will scream if touched by water. The dog will scream if removed from it.

39. Lunch time. Finally! Breastfeed the cat while making sure that absolutely nobody knows that you are using your boobs to make food. At the same time, make sure the dog sits still and eats his organic veggie-wrap pinwheels that you made him.

40. The dog’s done eating. The cat’s not. Continue breastfeeding the cat while making sure that the dog doesn’t go over to other people and beg for food and attention.

41. The cat’s asleep. Entertain the dog making sure not to wake the cat.

42. The dog has to go potty. The cat’s still asleep. While you are looking for the closest bathroom, your dog pees on the blanket. Cover it with sand.

43. The cat’s awake. Time to take one more dip into the water. Repeat 36-38.

44. Time to go home! Gather up your things. Repeat 34.

45. Your dog is crying. He wants to walk. Let him out. Proceed to continue your walk to the car stopping to look at every. single. tiny. little. thing. at one-tenth of the pace that you would normally walk.

46. Apologize to everyone who walks past you for being so slow and for hitting them with the umbrella/cooler/stroller.

47. Put the dog and cat in their respective car seats. They want snacks. Give the dog cereal puffs and tell him to share with the cat.

48. Pull into the drive. Your partner is home! The dog wants to go see your partner. Let him out. He runs inside. Phew! One less kid to wrestle.

49. Get the cat out of the car. The dog has shared his cereal puffs by what appears to be first chewing them himself and then smearing the resulting paste all over the cat’s face and hair. Carry your crusty cat into the house. Leave the crap in the car. Your partner will have to take care of that.

50. You walk in just in time to see your spouse pulling out the new goldfish and giving it to your dog. You try to stop him, but you can’t. It’s happening too fast. The dog is running gleefully to put his new fish in with Bubbles.

51. Your dog is screaming, “BUBBLES IS DEAD! HE IS NOT SLEEPING!” Snot bubbles (haha) have appeared.

52. Tell your dog you are sorry that Bubbles is dead. Begin planning a funeral for his dead goldfish. He wants to invite Nanny and Poppy to the funeral.

53. Nanny and Poppy arrive. Within 71 seconds of entering the house, Nanny has said 11 passive-aggressive things about your housekeeping, laundry, and parenting.

54. Swallow the blood trickling from your tongue, which you have been biting. See 53, above.

55. Have a goldfish funeral.

56. The dog insists that Nanny and Poppy stay for dinner. You’re supposed to eat after you have funerals, he says. Make a mental note to Google your dog’s precocious knowledge of funeral practices.

57. Hand over the parenting duties to your spouse and Nanny and Poppy while you make a three-course, post goldfish funeral dinner.

58. The dog won’t eat any of the food you made because Nanny gave him a bag of candy from her purse.

59. Breastfeed the cat throughout dinner trying to eat your first real meal of the day with your non-dominant hand.

60. Clean up the food you spilled on the cat.

61. Nanny and Poppy go home! Awww, so soon?

62. Start the bedtime routine. Baths all-around. It’s your spouse’s turn to take over!

63. Go to the bathroom before you drink the glass of wine you poured yourself to celebrate Nanny and Poppy’s departure.

64. Forget that the cat “used” all the toilet paper in your bathroom. Wait on the toilet until your spouse is done bathing the pets, so that you can ask for a roll of toilet paper.

65. Your naked, wet dog brings you a roll of toilet paper.

66. The dog comments that your tummy looks like a fat donut. He wants to pretend to eat it.

67. Look longingly at the glass of wine on the counter as you pick up your naked, wet dog and drag him, wriggling, up the stairs to his room.

68. Trade pets with the spouse so that the dog can be read “Goodnight Moon” fifty-eleven times.

69. Breastfeed the cat in the dark nursery listening to the gentle, soothing sound of white noise. Do not look at your phone. The cat does not care that you are bored. You must sit there in the dark and like it.

70. Forty-five minutes later, emerge from the nursery having successfully nursed the cat to sleep.

71. The dog is still being read bedtime stories. Try to sneak past without being noticed.

72. You were noticed. Squish into the dog’s bed with your spouse and read “Goodnight Moon” four more times.

73. Leave your dog sleepy, yet awake, in his room. Close the door. Walk downstairs. Reach for your glass of wine…

74. The dog is thirsty. The dog is yelling for a glass of water. Send your spouse to give the dog water.

75. The yelling has woken the cat. Put down your wine and repeat 69 (No, not that 69. You don’t have time for that anymore).

76. Repeat nursing the cat down every 2 hours.

77. After the 4 am feeding, when you can’t go back to sleep, yet your spouse is sleeping peacefully, Google “Sleep training” until the 6am feeding.

78. Wake up at 6am with a hungry cat and a dog who is crying because he peed the bed.

Repeat steps 1-78 for a decade set in various venues and rotating characters with other insane situations that you never imagined possible.

Related post: 8 Reasons Every Family Should Have a Dog

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9 Thoughts I Had During My Husband’s Vasectomyhttp://www.scarymommy.com/husbands-vasectomy/ http://www.scarymommy.com/husbands-vasectomy/#comments Thu, 26 Feb 2015 15:36:30 +0000 http://www.scarymommy.com/?p=64109 Image via Shutterstock Last month, my husband had a vasectomy. Yes, indeed he did. He has plans to shoot blanks from here on out. And I’m totally okay with it. Really, I am. While I was sitting in the waiting room for his “surgery” (i.e. small, outpatient procedure that I have been begging him to […]

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Last month, my husband had a vasectomy. Yes, indeed he did. He has plans to shoot blanks from here on out. And I’m totally okay with it. Really, I am. While I was sitting in the waiting room for his “surgery” (i.e. small, outpatient procedure that I have been begging him to get for a year) I went through a big enough range of emotions to possibly warrant a trip to the mental hospital. You know, because OMG! NO MORE NEWBORN SNUGGLES and all that. Believe me when I tell you I’m so done pushing humans out of my body. But, you know, I’m also a sentimental woman who loves babies so . . . thoughts. I have them.

1. FINALLY! Could he have been any slower to make this Goddamn appointment? I’ve been asking him to call the doctor since, you know, I gave birth last January! How many times do I have to ask him to make the appointment? I mean, I didn’t really ever want to go to my prenatal appointments but I sucked it up and went. And then I didn’t want to push a baby out of my vagina, but you know, I kinda sorta had to do that too. How hard is it to pick up the phone? It was probably because he was scared that something would go wrong or his penis or balls would accidentally be cut off or something. Wait a sec, that’s not what they do is it? ::quickly googles vasectomy while cursing hospital wifi::

2. No more birth control pills! Hallelujah! Amen! And the angels sing! No more remembering to take that little pill every night. I’m almost positive the hormonal birth control I took for so many years contributed to me being an insane person. And acne. And weight gain. And a megabitch. And low libido. And a whole host of other things that I will.not.miss.at.all. I’m tossing those suckers tonight.

3. Is he really gonna complain to me about how much his junk hurts? I pushed three babies out of me. I had stiches down there, not one. Not two. But THREE times. In the exact same place. Without meds. The first time I gave birth I had to sit on one of those donut intertube thingies for two weeks before I could sit without freaking pain. And let’s not even discuss what happened in the bathroom a week after taking stool softeners. Not to mention my bladder will never, ever be the same. Screw kegels. I’m definitely gonna need one of those sling surgeries when I’m fifty. So no. I don’t want to hear about how painful it is. Just shut it and be thankful that you can laugh or run without pissing yourself.

4. No more phantom baby kicks! You know when you think you feel a baby kicking inside of you even though you’re no longer pregnant? Suddenly you think you might be one of those women who give birth on the toilet because they had no idea they were pregnant. Or you feel sick in the morning and think, ohhhh %$#*, could I be . . . I think the phantom kicks are now probably in the past.

5. But wait! What if it doesn’t take and I get pregnant again anyway? Wait a second. What if it doesn’t take? What’s the guarantee on vasectomies? I wonder if I could ask the snip-snip doctor or if he would look at me like I was crazy? I told some friends and every single one of them had a “vasectomy baby was born anyway” story for me. As if I want to hear that. I think it’s 99.9% guaranteed. Or maybe it was 89%? Crapppp.

6. I wonder what a fourth baby would have been like? Would it have been a boy or girl? What would his/her name be? Coming up with baby names is so much fun. And I’ll miss getting to park in the pregnant parking spot at the grocery store. That was the best. I hate it when there’s no close parking at the store. I wonder what color eyes they would have had. Hmmmm, maybe just one more. Yes, ONE MORE! I wonder where this procedure is taking place? Maybe I could ask the receptionist to let me back into the room and I could stop them just in time! Boom! Fourth baby! It’s not too late. Long live the sperm!

7. Oh man, do we have any packages of frozen peas and Advil? I wonder just how painful this really is? Will he need a wheelchair? Can he make it up the stairs? I really should have done more research on this. I think we have a package of frozen peas in the freezer. I know I bought some a few months ago thinking I would somehow get the kids to eat them. Then I surely came to my senses and they are stuffed down in the back behind the ice cream sandwiches. Great, now I’m hungry.

8. No, no, no. Our family is complete. I mean, I think it is? Yes, yes, it is. He’s already been back there awhile so I’m sure it’s already done. I’m good. I feel at peace about our family. We have three beautiful children. Gosh, they are the best. They all sleep through the night too. I can’t go through the sleepless nights again. Three is more than enough kids. I had to buy a minivan for God’s sake! I’m not a Duggar. So yes, we’re definitely done. For sure. Sleepless nights. Sleepless nights. But having babies was the best thing we’ve ever done together. The sleepless nights weren’t really so bad, were they?

9. Yes, they were. Yes, they were. Yes, they were.

Related post: The Void When You’re Done Having Children

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5 Things I Can’t Believe I Did As A New Momhttp://www.scarymommy.com/5-things-i-cant-believe-i-did-as-a-new-mom/ http://www.scarymommy.com/5-things-i-cant-believe-i-did-as-a-new-mom/#comments Thu, 26 Feb 2015 13:24:35 +0000 http://www.scarymommy.com/?p=62689 Image via Shutterstock Every few months I go on a cleaning rampage, and almost every time, I come across my first baby’s poop log. From December 12, 2006 to April 3, 2007, or 113 days, I chronicled the exact time and length of my newborn son’s feedings, the order in which I breastfed him (right/left […]

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Every few months I go on a cleaning rampage, and almost every time, I come across my first baby’s poop log. From December 12, 2006 to April 3, 2007, or 113 days, I chronicled the exact time and length of my newborn son’s feedings, the order in which I breastfed him (right/left or left/right), whether his diaper was wet, poopy, or both, the activities I did with him (tummy time, etc.), the activities I did for me (a walk, etc.), and how long he slept.

That’s a lot of very specific, intimate, and ridiculous information. I may never get around to finishing (or starting) my kids’ baby books, and the last time I made a family photo album was in 2010, but someday I’ll show my first born his “doodie diary” and he’ll beam with pride (or run out the back door never to be seen

Eight years into this wild ride of motherhood, when each day is busier, messier, and more exhausting and chaotic than the next, I simply can’t imagine a time when I had the energy or desire to meticulously maintain a record of pee and poop and other futile facts, which got me thinking about a few other things I can’t believe I did as a new mom.

I can’t believe I kept a poop log. This bears repeating. I really can’t fathom that I did this. I mean, I sort of can. I am the most anxious person I’ve ever met (besides my mother), but I now can’t even remember to make a list before I go to the grocery store.

I can’t believe I did night feedings. By the time my second son was born, I pretty much sucked at night feedings. My husband would wake up at odd hours and find me fast asleep with a baby on my boob all over the damn house. Now on an good night, I sleep from about 10pm to 6am (give or take a bout of 2am insomnia), and the thought of getting up to do anything productive in between, like, for instance, sustaining a human life, is just plain asinine.

I can’t believe I used to wake up before dawn every. single. day. Sleep is finally a valuable commodity in my house. My little roosters actually look forward to Saturday and Sunday mornings when they don’t get dragged out of bed at 6:30am for school. To think that there was once a time when finger painting at 4:30am was the norm is unthinkable.

I can’t believe I made baby food. For the record, I think making baby food is awesome. (So is buying baby food, by the way. As long as you feed your baby, we’re cool.) It’s just that I don’t know how I did it. These days, when there’s hockey practice, a soft pretzel from the snack bar at the ice rink counts as dinner.

Occasionally, the only way I can get my Kindergartner out of the car at morning carpool is to promise him an “all snack” dinner that, per his demands, must include a cupcake. Last night, I’m not sure either of my kids ate dinner at all, which is why it’s difficult to imagine that I once took the time to peel, steam, puree, portion, and freeze organic apples, pears, butternut squash, and sweet potatoes in small containers with matching lids.

I can’t believe I had a toilet in my car. There are things about motherhood that people just don’t tell you, like how potty training is a never-ending, painstaking process that lasts anywhere from five days to five years during which your child will fear pooping anywhere except in the toilet at home or in the fold-up portable potty in the back of your Volkswagen Passat station wagon parked in the preschool parking lot.

Related post: 14 Truths Every New Mom Should Know

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Why Do Moms Always Talk About Coffee And Wine?http://www.scarymommy.com/coffee-and-wine/ http://www.scarymommy.com/coffee-and-wine/#comments Thu, 26 Feb 2015 06:32:08 +0000 http://www.scarymommy.com/?p=64093 Image via Shutterstock Okay, what is up with all the talk about moms needing coffee and wine? Seriously! It’s everywhere. I see something pop up on my Facebook newsfeed almost everyday with this type of content. Why the hell do moms need those beverages so badly? I’ll see a post that says, “No talking before my […]

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Okay, what is up with all the talk about moms needing coffee and wine? Seriously! It’s everywhere. I see something pop up on my Facebook newsfeed almost everyday with this type of content. Why the hell do moms need those beverages so badly?

I’ll see a post that says, “No talking before my coffee” and it gets a thousand likes or picture of a swimming pool that says “fill my wine glass up to here,” and it gets another thousand likes? (Okay I made that last one up). But what’s up with that shit? Why aren’t we over that already? Well sit down now…’cause I’m about to tell you.

Here’s why we need the coffee:

• We may have children who wake up several times a night and our “day” actually begins at bedtime, so by the time the morning comes around, we need a little “pick-me-up.”

• We may have 20 things or more that we have to get done by 8:00 a.m.

• Because cocaine is illegal.

• We are addicted to caffeine and don’t want a withdrawal headache. Fo’ real (you don’t want that).

• Without it, we can be real bitches and quite frankly, we don’t want anyone to get hurt.

• We need our eyes to open fully, not half-way, because that could just be dangerous.

• We may not even have time to eat breakfast for crying out loud, because we are too busy taking care of our kids. We have to put at least SOMETHING into our bodies.

• We can personalize and adjust it to our mood, diet, etc…

• We are thirsty.

• Because we drank a little bit of wine last night and we need the coffee to help shake that off…which leads to the second part…

Here’s why we need the wine:

• We may not have even sat down yet for the entire day and just need to relax and unwind. I mean shit, we may be moms, but we ARE human.

• It’s 9:00 p.m. and we have to celebrate the fact that our kids are asleep, even if they only stay asleep until midnight.

• We may be so worried about something, whether it be our children, cabin fever (for the stay-at home moms), careers (for the working moms), bills, the dog, the cat, the husband…I mean what DON’T we worry about? Our minds need a break.

• It tastes really effing delicious.

• Just because.

• Sometimes, it helps us engage in sexual relations with the husband…if you know what I’m sayin’.

• Because it helps us stay sane, and out of the looney bin.

• Because tequila, whiskey, and rum are just a little too strong (sometimes).

• We are really really thirsty.

• We feel glamorous drinking out of a wine glass, even if we are in sweatpants with no make-up and our hair is a mess. There is something about the stem on that glass…well there’s just something about it.

So really, there are a lot of reasons why we are not over the coffee and wine chatter already. But here is the big one. You ready? Okay…here it goes:

We share everything with our children. Some of us share our beds, we’ve shared our wombs, we share our televisions to watch stupid cartoons, we even share the bathroom, because we all know we can’t get a minute alone.

But here’s the awesome thing about wine and coffee…we don’t have to share it, because the kids can’t have it!

So, CHEERS! Here’s to coffee, to wine, and to us.

Related post: “Me Time” Is Bullshit Once You’re a Mother

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